


I still remember (and it hurts a little bit less each time)

by Inspirationfeedscreatiivity



Category: Carmilla (Web Series)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Comfort/Angst, F/F, F/M, Heavy Angst, Other, Sexual Content
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-02-03
Updated: 2015-03-17
Packaged: 2018-03-10 08:39:49
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 57,497
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3284024
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Inspirationfeedscreatiivity/pseuds/Inspirationfeedscreatiivity
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <em>Be careful what you wish for, </em>
  <br/>
  <em>'Cause you just might get it all. </em>
  <br/>
  <em>You just might get it all,</em>
  <br/>
  <em> And then some you don’t want. </em>
  <br/>
  <em>- Home ( Daughtry)</em>
</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Pain changes people

_In the beginning, all it takes is the sound of raindrops splattering over her bedroom window for her to start sobbing. She doesn't care in the beginning, she just lets the pain fill her up and she drowns her tears in the soft scent of a memory. The memory of something more. Something that meant the world to her. Someone that became her world. In the beginning they both suffer, in the same way, just not in the same place._

//

Her fingers slide easily over the keyboard and her eyes watch words turn into sentences on the screen in front of her. She has a deadline for that horrendous English paper that needs to be finished within the hour, or else she can say goodbye to ever going to Brown. She sighs and leans back in the chair. Her eyes are tired. Her mind is drained. Not to speak of the fact that she doesn't remember the last time she had a full night's sleep. Which is odd considering that that's all she does - sleep. She sleeps, eats, goes to class and comes home to her bed again. That's it.

Her muscles tick with restlessness and she rises from her seat at her unorganized desk. Much like the rest of her life, world in general, there´s no reason for the state of her room. All of it simply is what it is. She tries to stretch out some tension, hoping that moving around will evoke some last minute strength so that she can finish this. She desperately needs to finish this. It's two days until all her grades are going to be set. Two more days, then it's over.

She had imagined that this, this was going to be the happiest time of her life. She was finally leaving this city. She was going to see the world. Experience things she had only dreamed of when she used to lie in her bed and imagine how the world looked like. She was going to fulfill her dreams. But now, as she's walking around in her room, which hasn't been cleaned in at least two weeks, she can't see anything. She is not even sure she's able to see herself. Nothing about her appearance resembles happiness.

She is dark. Just as dark as the sky outside her window. She has become the very darkness she promised herself to never allow to become a part of her. But it has. It isn't just a part of her - it is her. She is her own darkness. The crazies thing about it is that she likes it. She even adores those dark shadows of her being. As much as she hates it, she loves it. Because at least it means that she has experienced something. At least she still has something left of _her_. And she hates it. And she loves it. She wants to get rid of it and she wants to nourish it. She wants to let it in, but if she does it will consume her. So she tries to keep it at a distance, but it claws at her mind and body. That's why she no longer recognizes herself in the mirror or can imagine that the girl in all those photos her dad keeps in the living room actually used to be her.

She stumbles over to the window and leans in so she can rest her forehead against the cold glass. Her breaths leave fog on the window and her fingers write a name that will never be forgotten. It fades away as she holds her breath. It still stings, to write that name.

But she still does it.

Because it's the only thing that can assure her that she still has a beating heart in her chest, that it hasn't been lost. So she writes those eight letters as a reminder of a life she once lived and one day will forget all about when she's too numb to feel anything. But that name is something she'll never be able to shake. _She_ , is someone she'll never be able to shake. Maybe that's the thing she both loves and hates. Maybe they are their own version of Tristan and Isolde. A result of forbidden love in its most complex and confusing form. Destined to love, bleed and die in the memory of each other. However, she doesn't know if she'll ever be able to do just one of those things at a time. And Tristan and Isolde loved each other to the day they died, she doesn't know if she can handle that. Maybe loving that girl will be the death of her instead of the last thing she'll ever love.

Or is that the same thing? She doesn't know.

With a deep sigh she turns to her bed, where her phone lays. She knows she shouldn't. She should let it be and return to her paper. But she can't not see the green blinking dot in the upper corner of the screen. Someone is trying to reach her, or tried. She guesses that it was someone from her class, asking her to come out with the rest of them. It´s that party tonight. She had been invited. But she doesn't feel up for it. Tonight is hard enough as it is. This year has been hard enough.

“Two days, just two more days”, she mumbles to herself. How hard could it be?

She stares at the phone and watches the blinking. Go on and on and on. Then she takes those few steps over to the bed and grabs the phone. She unlocks it. She was right, she has three new messages. One from her dad - he wondered how she was doing and what she wanted for dinner, he would be home in a few hours. Two from a boy in her class - both said the same thing.

Hope you'll come tonight, we'll miss you, can you call me, and a few emojis at the end.

It's sweet, she admits that.

But there's a hidden agenda with every word - that she knows all too well. That boy has hoped for her to give in for months. Just a little bit. Just enough for him to have a chance to erase her memories of old love and pain. At least he thinks that he can erase them. But she knows he can't. Even if she were to wake up one morning with a changed mind about boys, he would still not be able to change the past. That's something she has tried to explain, but he still hopes.

One can always hope I guess, she thinks and her mind floats away with that thought.

She can see the old image of herself. It seems old at least. Less wrecked. Unharmed. Even innocent. She used to hope too. And her wish was granted. For good and for bad. She got her wish and she couldn't have wanted anything else. Then it was gone. It feels like an eternity has passed since that night, but she remembers it like it was yesterday.

Weird how that's even possible.

But the date on her calendar, phone and even registered in the corner of the screen on her laptop keeps her sane. Or maybe it goes the other way. She knows exactly how long time it has been. She doesn't need a reminder for that. Of course she knows how many months she has spent alone in a bed that has never been as cold as it is right now. Or, how many nights she has been sitting in the sill of the window, listening to the rain as it poured outside while her sobs were silenced by the thunder. How could she ever forget that or the one she´s mourning.

Her lips are parted. Her shoulders sagging. And her eyes are glassy. She wishes that she could forget. But she never wants to. Her mind is divided, as well as her heart.

God, sometimes she thinks that she's a part of some silly movie about lost love.

She guesses that she should feel lucky that it's not a reality show, with herself as the main character. Even though that would feel better than just mourning something she knows she'll never have again.

She picks up her phone again. Opens up the gallery. There's that one folder that she has made a habit of looking through every night. It's like strewing salt in her wounds, but she imagines that it helps more than it doesn't. At least it makes her resent that girl a little less every time and pity her a bit more. That may even go for herself as well. She's not sure.

“Love will have its sacrifices”, she murmurs as her eyes locks to the two black ones on the picture she just opened.

A hollow smile fills her lips when she thinks to herself that all of this might be a good story to tell one day. And she wishes that that day will come soon and that it will never be something she has to wake up to. She puts down her phone and exhales with a tremble. Her hands are shaking and she feels tears building up behind eyelids that has shut before she has time to think of it.

This too has become a recurring event of the day. Every day.

She sighs and runs both hands through her hair, so that she can rub her face dry from tears without messing it up. When she has calmed herself down enough, she sends a prayer to a god that she has never really believed in and hopes that something, or someone, will give her the strength she needs to finish this.

She walks like in a slumber back to the chair and her computer. Her fingers slide automatically over the keyboard as she signs her name to the document; Laura Hollis.

As she finishes and rises to lay down on her bed the clock passes the midnight mark. As her head sinks deep into her yellow pillow she lets out a sigh that has been growing in her throat. Her mind is clouded. She can't help but wonder if _she's_ as tired too. It's painful to let _her_ in, but really, it's the only thing that can irrupt Laura's thoughts. She has been drowning herself in schoolwork and through it all, _she_ has been there, in the very back of her mind. Now, as Laura unwillingly have to relax the door to the barricaded room in the back of her mind is thrown open and the memory of the black haired girl enters. Laura presses her lips together and swallows hard. It's ironic, the memory of _her_ shatters Laura as a sledgehammer to a brick wall but it also numbs her to the point where she doesn't even care. Usually anyway.

"Go away, Carmilla", she mumbles as she drifts away into a slumber. "Please, just go away".

//

Deafening music fills the room. The base is the common heartbeat and the riff of a guitar is the shiver along everyone's spine. Lips against lips. Bare arms, stomachs and shoulders. Hands reaching up towards the ceiling, looking like a gospel choir during the Sunday sermon. Smoke, sweat and the smell of forbidden pleasures stains the air.

She closes her eyes and let's it all sink in. She doesn't feel remorse. She thinks she is incapable of feeling such things anymore. All she really can feel is a screaming emptiness inside her that craves to be filled. So she does this. Night after night after night. Whenever she can, she tries to fill up that emptiness. But nothing can satisfy her cravings long enough, because really, she doesn't crave something, she craves someone. And that someone isn't hers anymore. The thought of it makes her stomach turn and she hopes that _she_ is nobody's somebody. But that isn't true, because if there´s anything she wants for _her_ it is for _her_ to be happy. Whatever that means. She shakes her head, tries to shake the five letter name out of her head, but it will never leave her. All she can do is ignore it, however loud it echoes inside her.

The darkness brings the animalistic behaviour out of her and she allows it to take over her senses as she moves to the music. She can feel the other bodies around her and she runs both of her hands through her hair, pulling it back and revealing her neck to anybody who's noticing her. It doesn't take long before two hands reach around her waist and tugs at her hips to pull her closer. Lips kiss the spot below her ear and she leans back against the girl's chest. Their bodies find a rhythm together and she gives even more access to her neck as the girl reaches in under the waistband of her shorts, carefully caressing the skin below her waistline with her thumbs. She has been doing this for months, visited clubs, gone the distance faster for each time and ended up in a strangers bed, woken up next morning with the taste of alcohol and desperation still on her lips. She knows how this is going to go by now.

But tonight, tonight is everything so much worse.

She turns to face the owner of those greedy hands and her eyes land on a face she can't make out in the dark. She leans in and tucks her hands into the back pockets of the girl's shorts, slightly squeezing as she goes in for a kiss. Tonight she doesn't have time for dancing and teasing, she just needs to be felt. She needs someone to make her feel anything else than what has been creeping up on her this week. She _needs_ and that´s all she knows.

She strokes her nose against the girl's who responds, as expected, by spreading her lips open and she doesn't wait for some kind of conformation. She kisses her hard, long, deep and pushes forward as her hand cups the girl's cheek. Her tongue is aggressive and says more than any word ever could. The girl seems to get the point and clenches at her waist as her own tongue demands to explore her mouth. She feels the short hair the girl has, which would usually put her off, but tonight she doesn't care. She doesn´t have time to be picky. So she runs her fingers through the short haired girl's curls and lets her lips travel down her mouth, to her jawline, neck and even down to the hollow between neck and shoulder where she sucks at the soft skin. The girl tastes of perfume, sweat and some alcoholic drink.

The short haired girl gasps and pushes closer.

Then, there it is.

Her lips brushes against the other girl's ear and she whimpers as she exhales. She smirks unnoticeable against the short haired girl's skin and starts to lead her towards the back, dragging her by her hand.

The first sign of light is given to them when they reach the bathroom and she pulls the short haired girl in front of her, kissing her hard on the mouth as she pushes her through the door. She opens her eyes and meets the light, at first she is blinded by it but they quickly get used to the brightness and now she can see the other girl's face. It´s pale, has sharp edges and she's wearing too much makeup. She's too different. This girl is the very opposition to what her heart wants, even craves.

A distant voice tells her that that's good, that it will make it easier. But the truth is that she doesn't care. She can't allow herself to care, she just have to feel and give herself up to whomever this girl is. She has to feel anything else than what seems to be the only feeling she is capable of feeling right now.

She pushes the girl into the first stall they stumble into. She doesn't care to lock the door, she just throws the girl up against the wall and tear at her shorts.

“Wait”, the short haired girl moans through gritted teeth and lips wet and kiss bruised. Another moan spills into the room when the short haired girl is pushed further up the wall and a hand reaches down into her underwear. “Wh- fuck, what´s your name?”. She pushes harder and slips two fingers inside her in one move. “Fuck”, the girl moans and digs her nails into the wall.

“Does it matter”, she responds without much interest and throws the short haired girl´s hands up over her head, locking them there with her one free hand.

“Yeah”, the short haired girl says followed by a gasp. “I… god that´s perfect. I wanna- fuck me – know you name. God!”, the girl moans between uneven breaths. The last word is more of a scream and she presses her mouth to the girl's to stop the sound from leaving her lips or just suppress it enough so it becomes just a low grunt. She shifts, traces down the trembling girl's body with her mouth, placing soft kisses on the usual spots, down to the very hem of her top. She doesn't wait, she tugs at the lops of her shorts and pulls them down to her ankles in one sweep.

When she stands she feels two hands grabbing her hips, then moving to undo the button on her own shorts and soon thereafter she is gasping for air as two fingers is pushed inside her. They both speed up and drown their sounds of absolute pleasure into each other as they work one another closer to the edge of climax.

The short haired girl is the one who comes first, with deep suppressed moans she shifts and moves her lips to the other girl’s neck which will most definitely leave a mark. She sucks while pressing her hand closer to create more friction. Then the other girl comes too, not as loud as the short haired one. But she does and then she backs up against the other wall. She pulls up her shorts that had slipped down her thighs, while the short haired girl tries to catch her breath by sliding down, placing herself on the concrete floor. The girl standing looks down as she feels the very last shakes of the orgasm work their way down her legs.

She is panting, her heart racing and in all of this there's that feeling of uncertainty. She knows that this moment is over and she will soon feel as damaged as before. As she really is. There's nothing permanent in fucking some stranger in a bathroom stall, yet that is the only stability she has left in her life.

“It´s Carmilla”, she breathes out and runs a hand through her hair. The short-haired girl jerks up her head to look at her, her eyes are framed with too much eyeliner and her lips is red from how hard she bit down on them a few moments earlier. “My name is Carmilla”, she repeats and leaves the girl where she's still sitting. She just walks right out of the stall and out of the bathroom. Her eyes catch a glint of her own reflection in one of the mirrors and as they do her stomach turn once again.

Disgusting, she thinks and rushes out to the crowd.

She needs more than one this night, the night of the anniversary. _Their_ anniversary. At least for the day they first met, but that's hard enough. God forbid that she is awake and aware when their real anniversary rolls around.

She doesn't have to look for that long. She spots a group of girls as they enter the club from where she is standing at the bar. She sweeps the shot and orders another one as she follows the group with her eyes. There's one girl that catches her attention. She has long sun kissed hair, wears a dark green skirt and a black tank top. She is the typical kind of girl Carmilla ends up with most nights. And this one is no exception. The way the girl looks around is amusing, she is obviously there for the same reason as Carmilla. That's why a smirk finds its way to Carmilla's lips as the girl, followed by two of her friends, approach the bar.

It's even more crowded than before and everyone is trying to get the bartender's attention. The girl in the green skirt ends up standing next to Carmilla, waving as she leans in over the counter and shouting at the bartender. Carmilla is a regular by now and has gotten to know the guy with that spiky hair of his and thick eyeliner that works as bartender most nights. So when she has watched the girl trying to get his attention for long enough, peeking down at her legs as she tried to lean in even more by standing on her toes, Carmilla turns and whistles at the guy. He looks up almost immediately from the other end of the bar and Carmilla nods his way. Those around her tries to get their order through to him but the guy leans in at Carmilla's side.

"I think this one needs a drink".

The girl in the green skirt raises an eyebrow as Carmilla nods at her and the bartender smirks as he leans in next to her instead. He knows what she's doing, that Carmilla knows for sure.

"Three beers", the girl yells and he nods as he turns around to get her order. She then looks over at Carmilla. She wets her lips well too obviously and takes a step closer to her. "Thank you".

"No problem, sweetheart. Wouldn't want a beautiful girl like you go without a drink".

The girl´s lips quirk up at that, her eyes are a bit glassy and even in the dimmed light can Carmilla tell that they are still looking at her after she has turned away. She wonders how much effort she actually has to put into this. Considering that the girl doesn't try to be discreet and glances over at Carmilla over and again she becomes more and more sure. This isn't going to be that hard.

Good, she thinks to herself and a cocky smile fills her lips but she hides it bind her hand. She needs to get over and done with this day as quickly as possible. Which means that she needs to make a move now when the girl seems to not know any better.

The bartender returns and slides three beers over the counter, the girl smiles at him and hands over the money. She quickly turns and hands over two of the beers to her friends, the whole group has joined her by now and are hovering beside her. The bartender looks over at Carmilla and then pours her another shot as she nods. He'll put it on her tab. As always. The liquid tightens her stomach and burns down her throat. She thinks to herself that she needs to give him that money before the end of the week, she wouldn't want him to believe that she's not trustworthy. Plus, he doesn't question her returning to the club more often than she wants to remember. Or the fact that she knows the wrong kind of right people in this club.

Carmilla shifts, so that she's leaning on her arm against the counter and looks straight at the girl in that green skirt that has turned most of her back to Carmilla. She wets her lips before she leans forward and gently let's her fingers slide over the girl's waist. Just barely. Just enough for the fabric to crease over her hip. The girl tenses up, and Carmilla gets cheekier and lets her fingers trace up her back, still barely touching her.

“You should take me home”, she says with a deep voice filled with rasp and intentionally stresses every single word. The girl shifts and turns her head to Carmilla.

“What makes you think that I'm interested?”.

Her eyes pierce through the dark. Carmilla's lips crack and her eyes is glowing of heavenly sweet pleasure as the spotlight sweeps over them. Her tongue parts her lips and she gives the girl a half smile. Carmilla takes a sudden step forward and cups the girl's cheek with one hand, grabbing her waist with the other one. She feels the heavy breath on her skin and her mouth crinkles before she presses forward while pulling the girl's face closer. Their lips meet and Carmilla isn't patient, her tongue reaches out and slides along her bottom lip and then spreads the girl's lips open. She tastes of beer and chap-stick.

She ends the kiss, but stays as close as before with her hand squeezing the girl's waist.

“You are interested", Carmilla murmurs against the girl's parted lips. She lets her hand slide down from her cheek, down her neck and side before brushing her lips against those parted lips once more. She leans back and meets the girl's eyes with a serious face. Carmilla's aware of how obvious she's making it.

She wants this girl and she´s not taking no for an answer.

Carmilla steps back and puts some space between them. Their eyes meet again and Carmilla locks into her. The girl doesn't say anything. She´s just standing there, breathing heavily while looking at Carmilla. Then she turns around and says something to one of her friends, who looks up and over at Carmilla. Carmilla meets her gaze still with that serious face on. It´s all a game, every single night, and Carmilla has since long become the master. A smirk pulls at her mouth, but she holds it back as the group gathers for a moment. They exchange some sentences and the friend shrugs her shoulders as she laughs.

The music changes and the crowd starts to jump. The girl in the green skirt turns around again and even if she doesn't say it Carmilla knows. This is going to be a long night. The girl gives Carmilla her hand and smiles in that way that nobody in the world could misunderstand. When she's at Carmilla's side she leans in and whispers those five words that Carmilla has been waiting for.

"Let's go to my place".

 


	2. Wake me up from this nightmare

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _That’s when it hit me_   
>  _Like a flashback_   
>  _On how it used to be_   
>  _When you and I were still in love_   
>  _It hit me like a flashback_   
>  _Something that reminded me_   
>  _I can’t believe that you are gone_   
>  _\- Flashback (Darin)_

Laura meets the light through clenched eyes. Her mouth is dry and her body numb. She shuts her eyes again and groans. Before she has time to ask herself where she is she hears the sound of snoring next to her. She turns and her eyes fall on a face covered by long blonde curls hair. She looks at the girl, confused. But as her eyes follows the figure of the girl’s body she realizes the she is naked and her arm is wrapped around Laura´s waist. She is completely uncovered from top to toe. The one and only cover is draped around Laura's body, but she understands that underneath she is just as undressed as the blonde.

Good god, Laura thinks to herself and has to pull her eyes away from that strange face cover by hair. Or is she really a stranger. Laura doesn't know and can't think of that right now.

Laura groans once again and lifts her hand to her face, she rubs the sleep out of her eyes and then looks over to the blond again. Images of the night before flashes through her mind, the memory of loud music, the blond by her side, the feeling of her tongue reaching in between unfamiliar lips. After that everything's a bit blurry and Laura feels the knot in her stomach take form.

She lifts the girl´s arm off of her and then rolls to the side of the bed. She flings her feet off the bed and she just sits there for a second while trying to collect herself. Her hands clutch to the sheet covering her, they don't have to because the girl is perfectly asleep, but they still do. Her knuckles turn white for a moment before she lets out a heavy breath and bites confounded on her nails. She hasn´t done this for so long. She doesn´t even remember how it supposed to feel. But feel, that is what she does. She feels sick. Sick to her stomach out of disgust. And it's confusing too. It's all just too much. Too out of her character. Still, this is wrong. She's not supposed to feel like this. Sure, it wouldn't be that weird if she felt ashamed of herself but this, this is not right. Nothing about this is right.

She quickly gets out of the bed and tries to find her clothes which are scattered all over the floor. She tries to keep calm although she would rather just run out of there in her underwear than waste time struggling to get her all too tight jeans on. She tries to remember how they got there to distract her wandering mind.

Did they take a taxi? Did they walk? Is this a dorm room? Is she even on the Brown campus?

She thinks it is, at least the amount of unopened course literature on the minimal desk at the other side of the room suggests it. Laura stumbles out of the room while trying to put on her other shoe, she crashes into the door frame and stops. She begs that the girl is still asleep. And as she looks over her shoulder she spots the blonde turn over to her back, sigh and then fall right back into a deep sleep. Laura breaths out, relived, and jerks down the door handle before she sneaks out. She closes the door behind her and then leans against it. Her hands run through her hair and down her body while trying to correct her clothes. She has to look up at some point, even though she´d rather don´t. For all she knows this could be one of those weird nightmares she's been having. But something tells her that it isn't. She takes a deep breath and lifts her gaze from the floor to look around.

She was right, it is a dorm hall. She doesn´t recognize it. She was obviously too drunk last night. She must have been. As she breathes out she feels her heart skip a beat and she clenches to the door frame. Her jaws are tense, as well as the rest of her body. She shuts her eyes, tries to block out the panic. But when she opens them again she does so because she has to, she feels out of breath and her heart beats so strong she thinks it´s going to beat out of her chest any minute. Or stop all of a sudden.

She needs air, now. At first she walks towards the exit, but with every step she takes she walks a bit faster and then she is running. As if she's running for her life she breaks through the doors and out in the open, but she doesn´t stop. She continues to run until her feet reaches the grass next to the stairs that lead to the house she just left. There she stops and turns her eyes to the sky. It can't be more than six in the morning and considering she hsn´t yet run into anyone it has to be a Saturday.

Yeah, it's a Saturday.

She tries to breath in slowly through her nose, calming herself down but it doesn't work.

Last night was a Friday.

She tries to tell herself that it was just another day of the week, of the month, of the year. But it wasn´t. It was _their_ day. That´s why she went out for a couple of drinks, thinking that alcohol could numb the feeling of emptiness in her chest. She didn't plan on going home with anyone. She didn´t. She would never do such a thing. That if anything had not crossed her mind and wasn't an option in a sober state of mind.

“But you did”, the harsh voice inside her head shouts and she feels everything tumble right into her.

Her chest tightens. Her pulse starts to race. She tries to lean down against her knees but the world starts to spin in front of her. She is losing it. And then there it is, the kick to the chest, the forcing of her breath to stop all together and she falls to the ground.

She had never had a panic attack before, but if it was ever going to happen this must be what it feels like she thinks and gasps for air.

She tastes grass and mud. A cry for help gathers in her throat and she clenches her jaws. In this moment she blames that girl. That beautiful, creative, intelligent, breathtakingly stunning girl. She blames _her_ for everything and as she does she hears herself scream. It´s not a scream for help. It´s a scream filled with anger, pain, sorrow and empty words. She's not sure if she only hears that scream in her head or if she's actually screaming at the top of her lungs laying there on the grass.

When she comes down from the shock she doesn't have the energy to lift herself up from the soft grass that smells just like the memory back in her mind does. So she closes her eyes and breathes in deep, lets the smell root itself in all her being for just a moment. She can almost see the sun. Hear the grasshoppers play. The sound of the wind when it tugs at the trees. It's all so near and real. But it's far away and surreal.

It's just a memory, she thinks and opens her eyes.

She crawls up on her knees and steadies herself before she makes an attempt to get up. She needs to get out of there. Now. Before she is flung right back into that state where she has no control over herself. After she has fallen down on her knees, twice, she manages to get up on her feet. She leans down with her hands on her thighs for a while, hoping that the spinning will stop soon. Then she starts to walk, or more like move one foot in front of the other. Slowly. Right, left, right, left. She keeps repeating that to herself and her fists are white as she struggles to fight of the feeling of wanting to scream again.

She doesn´t allow herself to cry until she has reached her own room, has locked the door with both locks, crawled out of yesterday’s clothes and has turned on the shower. The reflection in the mirror laughs at her in silence while the room slowly warms up and the mirror is covered by fog. Only then, now, when she is sitting on the floor of the shower with the hot water washing down over her, now, she cries. Loudly. Clutching to her own hair one moment and then dragging her knees up to her chest so she can wrap her arms around them.

The sounds of her pain is silenced by the sound of the water. But she still hears it, all of it. Every word from that night is imprinted on her mind. She doesn't close her eyes, because she knows by now that all she'll see is the remains of hours of arguing on a pale face and eyes that try their hardest to hold back tears. All she'll see is a memory of a last goodbye and the back of the black haired girl as she leaves, once and for all.

She doesn't know how long she sits there. Maybe thirty minutes. An hour? It doesn't matter. At some point she wakes up from her pain and feels the skin on her back burn from the hot water. She stands and takes a couple of deep breathes, leaning on her arms against the wall, with water streaming down her face. She braces herself before she adjusts the heat and a moment later the water goes tepid, with every second it goes colder and colder. Soon she is shivering as ice cold water washes down over her head, gushes down her shoulders and back. This is what she needs, something that can pierce through the pain. One cold fights another. She stays like that, leaned against the wall of the shower, for a couple of minutes. Then she turns off the water and wraps herself in a navy blue terry towel. The skin on her back is cold, but still aches from the heat it was subjected to. She folds her hair in another towel, every motion slow and aching. She leaves the steamed room and closes the door behind her. She almost falls back against it, breathing in all that hot air has made her a bit dizzy. She breathes out, slowly, and then looks over to her computer. She could call her dad, it´s only breakfast time yet so he would be seated at the kitchen table next to a large cup of coffee and his own laptop. Maybe if she talked to him her nerves would calm down a bit. But if she called he would ask what's up and she would not be able to keep it together. He has that ability, to see the very little sign of stress or sadness in her just by hearing her voice or take one look at her eyes. She appreciated that normally, but she doesn't want to worry him. Which she knows that he already does. But seeing her right now would only add to that worrying and she is doing fine. _Was._ Was doing fine.

This is just a fall back, she thinks to herself and shuts her eyes. This is only a small fall back, nothing else.

She pulls on a pair of sweatpants and a plain tank top. Her hair is still dripping wet as she takes a seat on the edge of her bed. She breathes out slowly. It has been four months since she moved in here, to her own dorm on the Brown campus. Four months of hiding out among people she knows nothing about. She has tried her hardest to get to know them, to let them in and just be herself. Which has been great. This is exactly what she needed to do, but still, she hides from what lingers inside her. That thing that stretches from the pit of her stomach up to the very top of her lungs, that beats and aches and pushes when she least expects it. Mostly at nights. Her dreams have been invaded by that feeling and that darkness. But she only dreams of light, bright light and sunshine. That shine from her chest and beams towards another darkness dressed in all the memories she'll never get rid of.

Laura´s jerked back into her senses as she hears a distinct knock on the door. She hears the sound of two voices on the opposite side of it as she leans in to unlock the door. She cracks the door open and stars at the two standing at her doorstep. They smile at her, first, but then they look surprised and a bit worried.

LaFontaine sigh. “Hey Lur”.

“Hi”.

Laura isn't sure what to do but she steps aside and lets them in. Perry reaches for her and kisses her cheek before she embraces Laura´s stiff body. LaFontaine still look at her with a cautious eye.

Perry let´s go of Laura and stands beside her, she nods towards LaFontaine and they sigh. Laura feels bad, that look they are giving her makes her feel bad. Really bad.

LaFontaine give her a one armed hug, which they usually don't do. They usually give her one of those warm and heartfelt embraces that warms the heart. But this is cold. Too cold.

Laura twitches a bit and moves over to close the door. When she turns around they are looking at her, LaFontaine and Perry, and Laura doesn't know what to do. She´s sure that they can tell by the look of her that things aren’t as good as she said over and over when they've talked on the phone. The same thing she has been telling them during the whole autumn.

LaFontaine look irritated. “Did you forget that we were coming?”.

“No”.

“You so did”.

“I did not!”, Laura raises her voice unintentionally. She runs a hand through her hair as she tries to calm down, her eyes are fixed at the floor. She´s too ashamed to look at them right now. ”I've just had a lot on my mind”.

“Ha!”.

Perry shots them a look and they seem to relax a bit, but Laura knows better than to believe that that´s the last of it.

It´s Perry´s turn to sigh and she smiles gently at Laura. “Honey, it´s okay. We're here now so”.

“Yeah, which we've planned for weeks”, LaFontaine add and their voice is harsh.

Perry rolls her eyes and ignores them, instead she takes a step towards Laura. Laura feels like she´s on the verge of falling apart, again. She feels it, the tears building up in her eyes and the knot in her stomach that seems to pound. Perry sees it too and takes three quick steps towards her, wraps her arms around Laura´s shoulders and pulls her in. At first nothing happens, but then everything comes tumbling down and Laura shakes and cries uncontrollably. Perry whispers calming words into her hair and rubs her back.

Laura lets her do that. It feels okay. More okay than anything else has.

Perry pulls back after a while, still one arm around Laura´s shoulders and leads her to her bed. Laura doesn´t look up at LaFontaine, she´s too afraid of what she'll see. But she can feel their eyes on her. Laura wipes her nose with the tissue Perry hands her and a grateful smile fills her lips for a moment.

“Thank you”.

Perry smiles too. But it´s far from happy. Laura can see her look up at LaFontaine in the corner of her eye and she nods at them. They sigh and squat beside Laura, making it harder for her not to look at them. But her eyes are fixed to her hands resting in her lap.

“You need to talk to us, Laura”, they say and Laura would like to laugh.

They have no idea what she needs.

“It´s true, you need to talk to someone”, Perry adds and as she does she puts her hand on Laura´s shoulder. Squeezing it softly. Laura lets out a heavy breath.

They are interrupted by the sound of a hesitating knock on the door.

Laura doesn't move, but Perry does and Laura sinks deeper into the mattress as she leaves. LaFontaine stand and Laura dares to lift her eyes just an inch higher from the floor. She can feel the tension in every muscle in her body with every little movement.

She hears Perry open the door. “Can I help you?”, she asks.

“Hi, is this Laura Hollis`s room?”.

Laura looks over at the door, Perry´s standing in the way so she can´t see the girl standing outside. All she can see is a pair of red boots.

“You just missed her, she´s out to get some breakfast”.

LaFontaine scoff at Laura´s side and Laura feels like doing the same, Perry rarely lie and when she does it isn't that convincing. But that does only people that know Perry know. “Should I leave her a message?”.

“I just wanted to bring her this, she left it in my room”, the girl answers and Laura watches Perry lift her hand to receive what the girl hands over to her. “You don't know when she'll be back?”.

“No, sorry. You´re sure you don't want to leave her a message?”.

“Yes, sorry. I should go, thank you”.

Perry hums and closes the door as the girl´s step leads her away from it. When she turns around to face them Laura feels her heart drop to the pit of her stomach. Perry holds out her hand and Laura doesn´t know what to say. Her phone.

“This is yours right?”, Perry asks although she already knows the answer. Laura nods and tries to wet her lips but even her tongue is dry.

“Who was that?”, LaFontaine ask and Perry shrugs her shoulders.

They turn to Laura and it might as well have been written on her forehead. All they have to do is take one look at her and they know. The shift in the air is crushing down on Laura and she grips at the covers under her.

“Is she the reason why you've been crying?”, LaFontaine ask and Laura´s tongue turns into a poisonous arrow. She has to swallow down all the harsh words that want to leave her lips, she still knows that LaFontaine means well.

Even though they have a funny way of showing it.

“I haven´t”.

“Don't lie to us Laura! I have had enough of that!”, they yell at her and Laura feels like her inside will turn inside out. “You can't keep doing this!”.

Laura breathes in with a tremble and Perry takes one step closer to LaFontaine before they bring down hell on Laura.

“LaFontaine!”, Perry´s voice is clear and direct. They open their mouth to respond, but she only lifts her hand up in front of them. “Stop it”.

They seem to give up and turn around, they start pacing through the room a couple of times as if they are trying to walk of the anger. Then they end up standing in the same spot as before.

Perry sighs and shoots a look to Laura who has been leaning her head in her hands all this time. “Is she?”, Perry asks and Laura lifts her head.

She laughs, a hollow condescending laugh and looks straight at Perry.

“Why would I be crying over a girl I just slept with when I did so many other things with someone that actually matters to me?”.

“Laura”, Perry´s voice is soft when she says her name but Laura has reached her edge and she doesn't hear her.

“I don't need you to tell me that it´s okay. I know it´s not”, she says with bitterness dripping off of every word.

“You have to stop beating yourself up for this”, LaFontaine reply and they're not yelling now. They sound worried instead. “She´s gone”.

“I know she is, but I can't help it”, Laura´s voice cracks and she has to stop herself so she can take a breath or else she'll fall over the edge again. “I can't control it”. Laura feels how close her eyes are to bleed clear salty tears. She´s surprised that there´s even any of them left in her, but there is. Obviously. LaFontaine sigh and they run a hand through their hair. Perry looks at them both with a tired look, then she does that thing when she lets her head fall back and she shuts her eyes before she shakes it off. Even though she looks tired she still radiates of warmth and Laura can feel it from where she´s sitting. That´s one of the things she has always loved about Perry, however tired or angry she is she´s still the caring and loving Perry they all know and love.

“Okay, I think we all need to take a breather”, she says and Laura nods. LaFontaine do too and seem to be more relaxed than before. “Have you eaten?”.

Laura realizes that the question is directed at her and she wipes her cheeks as she shakes her head. “No”

“Then let’s go, we could all need something to get or mind off of things”, Perry takes a step towards Laura who looks up to meet her friendly smile. “Am I right, LaFontaine?”.

They sigh and then smile as well. “Yes, we should go”. They walk over to the door as Laura wipes her nose and puts on a hoodie. She stops as she leans down to grab her phone, she tries to unlock it but it´s out of battery.

“What´s the time?”.

She puts the phone on her desk and turns to the other´s. Perry is just about to jerk her own phone out of her pocket.

“Half ten”, she says and Laura breathes in. “Why?”.

Laura shakes her head and forces a smile, but it´s hollow and by the look on Perry´s and LaFontaine´s faces they know who Laura´s thoughts are directed towards. Laura scoffs and her eyes falls to the floor.

Good god, she thinks to herself and takes in a shaky breath.

“C´mon Lur”, LaFontaine say and walk up to her. They put an arm around her shoulders to comfort her. “Let´s get out of here”.

Laura nods as she lets herself be lead out, but her mind and heart are occupied by the memory of waking up happy next to somebody that loves her.

That _loved_ her.

 

//

 

“Can I get you anything else?”, the waitress asks the girl sitting at the corner table and she tries to find her eyes, but they are hidden behind thick bangs and clasped hands. Which are slightly red and scared, maybe there´s even some blood seeping out of one of the cracks on her knuckles.

“No, thank you”.

Carmilla doesn't even look up. She doesn't care about being polite or friendly or any other shit you're supposed to be. She just doesn't care. As her eyes turn a notch down towards the table she can see the waitress´s feet as she walks away from the table. Carmilla breaths out.

I don't care, she thinks to herself and breaths in. I fucking don't care.

Her head is resting in her hands and she jerks it up so she can look out of the window, but she´s still leaning her chin against her fists. It´s raining. Of all the kind of weather, it rains. She hates herself for letting something as insignificant as a little bit of rain affect her. But that´s the thing, it´s not insignificant.

A sigh escapes Carmilla´s lips. She smiles a half smile at the memory of soaked clothes and the brunette who looked like a cat that had been drowned. But the smile fades as her memory turns into the image of the brunette crying, and herself leaving, rushing out the door and straight out into the pouring rain.

“I fucking hate rain”, she mumbles to herself as she lets her hands fall to the table where they cup the cup of steaming coffee. At first it burns her skin, but then the heat travels up her fingers, hands, wrists and soon it hits her chest. She takes small sips of the black bitter cup of coffee. She misses the sweet taste of cocoa. But after all, if _she_ had been serving her coffee all that time ago she would be missing that instead right now. That´s one of the crazy things Carmilla does, she misses and she doesn't miss some things.

For example, she can´t stand the colour yellow. Because all it does is remind her of _her_ yellow pillow that she always used to sleep on, that always smelled just like _her_ , the one that _she_ wouldn't share with anyone besides Carmilla. That pillow, is the only thing she sees when anything yellow appears in her view.

And then, there´s _her_ friends. Carmilla has been dodging their calls for weeks, hoping that they'll get the picture and give up. But they haven´t. Carmilla bets that she has three missed calls already, at least. And it´s not even ten am. The thought of it makes her stomach ache. She runs a hand through her hair. She knows that she has to call them up, or else they're not going to stop. And they have to stop. Not knowing how _she´s_ doing drives Carmilla crazy, but knowing that she could potentially get an update on how _she_ is hurts even more because she isn't sure that it would make any difference. Not for _her_ , that´s for sure. For herself, it would only hurt more. No matter what they could tell her she would still feel hopeless and she can´t feel like that anymore. But she fears that if she doesn't call them they will drive over to see her instead and seeing them would definitely not be a good thing.

She takes another sip of her coffee and then she looks down at the pit black surface. She has to call them up.

When she has her phone in her hand her mind goes blank. She doesn't know what to expect or what not. Like really, what could they actually tell her? She hesitates and looks away from the screen. All she needs to do is unlock it, tap the dial button and listen. That is all she has to do.

Then why am I feeling so nervous, she thinks to herself.

She takes a deep breath and unlocks the screen with shaky hands.

Step one, done.

Her legs jiggles under the table. Fuck it, she thinks and dials her latest caller.

Step two, done.

She listens to the dial tone, tone after tone after tone and then there´s the click.

_“Carmilla”_ , Perry´s voice is soft. Familiar. And Carmilla feels a kick to her chest as she realizes that she misses the redhead too. Even she belonged to Carmilla's everyday life once upon a time.

“Hi Perry”, Carmilla breathes out. She is relieved that it is Perry and not Danny who picks up, because then there's a smaller chance that she'll get yelled at. She should have thought about that before she dialled the first number that came up, but she didn´t.

“How are you?”.

_“We are fine, thanks for asking”._ Even though Perry is her usual self and replies as polite as she possibly can, Carmilla can still hear that even she is pissed off. _“You have not been answering our calls”._

Carmilla bites down on her lip and places her elbow on the table so she can rest her head in her hand. She sighs. “I know”.

_“We have been trying to reach you for two months, Carmilla”._

“I know”, Carmilla repeats and hears Perry as she sighs on the other end of the line. “I´m sorry, Perry. I just couldn´t”.

For a second Carmilla wonders if she should try and explain what she´s been doing and why she hasn't gotten back to any of them, but then she thinks that that wouldn't do any good. She´s not even sure how to explain anything, for all she knows she doesn't remember half of the shit she´s been doing. Which she´s actually happy about because even though she puts on a face that everything is working out and that she can handle it, she really can´t. All of those blackouts are evidence of that.

“How is she?”, Carmilla finally asks and braces herself for hell to come down on her.

_“Carmilla”._ The fact that Perry only says her name and then goes quiet doesn't bode well.

“Tell me”, Carmilla says and bites her lip. She waits for Perry to answer, but instead all she hears is distant voices and a sparkling noise.

_“Perry, give me the phone”_ , she hears a familiar voice say and then there´s some more sparkling. But it stops as Carmilla hears the sound of someone breathing, like if they are fighting someone off. _“Carmilla?”_. Now she hears who it is. It´s the other half of the happy couple, more like married by the way they evidently argue as a one still.

“LaFontaine”, Carmilla answers and rolls her eyes.

The more the merrier, she thinks and leans back in her seat.

All the other sounds fade out and all that's left is the sound of LaFontaine sighing. They are irritated.

“How are you, genius?”, Carmilla asks as a formality.

_“She is out of control”,_ is all they respond and then there´s that silence that breaks Carmilla´s heart. She was prepared for something in the line of, ´ _she´s_ met someone, _she_ is happy, we just wanted to let you know´. But this, this is worse. Laura isn't fine and that hurts Carmilla in more ways than she could ever be prepared for.

_“Are you still there?”,_ they ask. But Carmilla is stunned. She is paralyzed.

_“Carmilla!”,_ the sound of them shouting at her wakes her up and she clears her throat.

“I´m here”. She leans in over the table again in fear of tipping over if she can't steady herself against something.

_“She doesn't listen to us”_ , they exhale and Carmilla bites the nail on her thumb. Then she runs a hand through her hair and pulls it to one side. _"We don't know how to get her to stop treating herself like this, she keeps on blaming herself and won´t live a normal life. We've tried to talk to her but she just shuts down, she just won't listen to us!"_.

Carmilla hears how frustrated LaFontaine are and that's the last nail to the coffin.

She frowns as the thought goes through her mind, this is going to hurt and she knows it.

“She'll listen to me”, she says and takes a deep breath. She knows what she has to do.

_“Are you going to talk to her?”._

Carmilla shakes her head, a hollow smile fills her lips. “No”, she replies and breathes out as she leans back once again. She tugs at her black shirt as she collects her thoughts. “You are going to do the talking for me”, she says and starts to explain what they need to do.

Step three, done.

She puts down the phone and her head sinks into her hands. She feels sick. Sick to her stomach. But now it's done. Now there's no chance for her anymore. Now she can stop hoping. And she hates herself for it and thanks the gods that she managed to get through this without crying. If LaFontaine or Perry had heard her cry, God, it would have crushed her. But they didn't. For all Carmilla knows all they heard was the voice of someone they used to know, someone that will always stay as dark and absent as she was when they knew her. To them she has probably not changed at all. Maybe she hasn't. Not really anyway. She's still dark and absent, she doesn't remember the last time she talked to somebody that has known her for more than the last couple of months. And when she actually talks to someone it´s usually about school and nothing else.

She's still the Carmilla Karnstein that they knew and she is all the things she wasn't. She is just not what she wanted to be. What she thought she would become. Because she's not with _her_ , for good and for bad. She's just not with _her_ and soon she'll forget all about the broody girl she once knew. Carmilla made sure of that when she explained to LaFontaine what they needed to tell Laura, because Carmilla knows what will hurt Laura enough so that she has to move on.

"She's gone now", Carmilla whispers under her breath and wipes away one stray tear on its way down her cheek. She then waves at the waitress. She'll need more than one cup of coffee to get through this day. Preferably something stronger too, but that she has to sort out later. Now coffee and then of to class, because she can still pretend that she got her life around. Or at least some parts of her life, even if it doesn't feel like one.

 


	3. I lie to protect you

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _It hurts to know you’re happy, yeah, it hurts that you’ve moved on_   
>  _It’s hard to hear your name when I haven’t seen you in so long_   
>  _It’s like we never happened, was it just a lie?_   
>  _If what we had was real, how could you be fine?_   
>  _‘Cause I’m not fine at all_   
>  _\- Amnesia (5 seconds of summer)_

_“You have to get out, Laura”_ , Danny says with a voice filled with worry and kindness. “ _Go, do something. Meet new people”._

“I´m fine”, Laura answers and tries her best to not sound harsh.

She doesn't do that well on that department. But she doesn't care anymore. Harsh can be her middle name for all she cares.

“I promise”, she adds as she lets her head fall back against the bed frame. All classes have ended for the day so outside her private hiding place people are coming back to their own dorms, the slamming of doors and loud chattering has been going on for the last hour or so.

 _“You know, if you don't feel like talking to me or Perry or LaFontaine, then there´s support groups you can go to”,_ Danny says and Laura feels like laughing

“Support group? I´m not a junkie Danny”, Laura laughs and hears Danny sigh.

 _“No, I didn't mean it like that”_ , she says with a tired voice.

“How did you mean then?”, Laura asks and there´s the harsh tone again.

_“I meant, that if you can't talk to any of us than there are other solutions”._

“I don't need to talk to anyone”, Laura spits and now she is angry. She has had to listen to this kind of bullshit already, twice, both from Perry and LaFontaine. And that´s only this week alone.

 _“Laura, this isn't healthy”,_ Danny tries to not raise her voice, but it won't do any good. But it´s hard not to, especially when Laura responds the way she does.

“As if I care about that”, Laura says uncaring.

 _“This is what I mean!”,_ Danny replies and her voice uncover her attempt to keep it calm. But now, now she is pissed. By the sound of her grunts she´s really pissed too. Danny takes a couple of deep breaths to calm herself down.

 _“You're not the same”,_ she says with a low voice through clenched teeth.

“People change”, Laura answers but Danny doesn't respond as she wished, instead she laughs right back at Laura and it´s a hollow one.

 _“No, people change, but you, you are a whole other person Laura”_ , she says as she stops laughing.

Laura doesn´t respond. She just breathes and listens to Danny doing the same. But then Danny sighs.

 _“I meet her the other day, Laura”,_ she exhales and it hits Laura right in the stomach.

“I don't wanna know”, she answers as soon as the words leaves Danny´s lips. But then, she bites her lip and feels that emptiness inside her scream for attention. “How is she doing?”, she asks and hopes for the best, or the worst. She´s not even sure if there´s anything to wish for. Okay, of course she knows what to ask for. And it´s stupid. Really really stupid. That kind of stupid that she has tried to suppress and that´s what has led her to where she is now.

 _“Laura”_ , Danny´s voice is deep and sad. She goes quiet. Laura is about to jump out of her place, that´s how nervous she is.

Then she lets out a deep breath.

“Danny!”. This is the first sign of Laura. The real Laura. “Tell me”, she whispers and doesn't hear that it sounds like she´s begging. Maybe she is. No, she is. She is begging with her knees folded under her, with her forehead pressed against the floor and hands clutching to it too. She is begging for her life.

 _“She seemed good”_ , Danny says and Laura smiles, just a little bit. _“She got into UCLA”_.

Laura wants to laugh to that. Carmilla hates the sun and the warmth, she practically wouldn't leave the house unless it was either freezing cold or building up for a storm.

But she still applied to a university in California. Out of all places she chose California.

The smile that has grown across Laura's fades away as she thinks to herself that UCLA is on the other side of the country.

She moved as far away from where she knew that I would attend college that was possible.

She moved almost 3000 miles. She might just as well have moved countries or even to Europe.

Laura feels her whole inside of tighten and she clutches to the phone in her hand, the other intertwines with the curls of her hair as she leans her head against it. She feels it all at once.

She wanted to get away from where I was, she thinks and her nails scratch her scalp.

“Oh god”, she gasps as she feels the pressure over her chest.

 _“Laura”_ , Danny´s voice is near and distant. And worried. Clearly worried.

“No, tell me”, Laura says and bites her thumb. “I need to know”. She can´t let the pain take over her, not now. She has to know, or else she is just going to wonder. And wondering hasn't done any good for her this far. “I need to know”, she repeats.

_“She´s the same. I think she´ll always be the same broody, introverted and irritating person she's always been”._

She can't allow herself to smile at that. But her lips twitch a bit and then she can breathe for a moment. But there´s that one question that echoes inside her head and tugs at her heart.

“Does she, I mean, is she… is she?” _,_ Laura can't bring herself to ask the question that is really the only one she cares to ask. She just can´t. She waits for Danny to answer. And she dreads for Danny to answer.

Danny lets out a deep breath before she wets her lips and answers with a low voice. _“She is”_.

Laura goes numb.

_"That's why she's moving across country"._

If the thought of Carmilla moving because of Laura made her feel bad than this, this is one thousand times worse.

She moved because of someone else.

That information hurts more than everything else, because Laura can still remember how they used to fight over college. Over how they were supposed to make it work if they decided to apply to different schools. Moving to be with the other and by that giving up their chance to go to those schools they wanted to go to had never been on the cards for them.

But she found someone she felt like she had to be with, even if it meant leaving everything else behind and move thousands of miles.

She found someone.

She is with someone else right now.

She is happy with somebody and Laura is not.

Laura doesn´t feel anything and she feels everything. She isn't even sure that she is breathing anymore.

 _“I'm so sorry, Laura”_ , Danny says and her voice is filled with every kind word you could imagine.

Maybe she even says them, but Laura doesn't hear her or anything at all. She is just not here. Her body is. Maybe even her mind. But there's nothing else. She is just an empty shell.

The realisation slowly sinks into her and settles somewhere in her stomach, but she still doesn't say anything.

She is happy with someone else.

Laura only reacts to the feeling of tears streaming down her face. They race down her chin just to fall down, hitting her lap and creating a constellation of small dark spots on her pants.

“Danny, I have to go”, Laura whispers in between quiet sobs as she tries to wipe her cheeks dry from tears but the stream doesn't stop.

 _“No Laura don't”_.

She cuts Danny off before she has a time to tell her about how sorry she is. Sorry doesn't make any difference. Sorry is just a word. A word that means nothing and can do nothing to the darkness inside her.

The darkness that expands and fills her whole body within minutes.

“She has moved on”, Laura whispers to herself and looks out into the empty air. She lets go of the phone to cradle her head in her hands. The sound of her crying is as soft as nails to a blackboard, gentle as tornado.

This is the release of too much time spent wondering. Too many drunken nights ended by rambling the same series of numbers over and over as if they were a lullaby and not just an old telephone number. This was the last drop to a glass which was filled to the edge a long time ago.

Laura rocks back and forth, barely noticeable, with her forehead leaning against her knees since she has pulled her legs up to her chest. Her arms are wrapped around them and if she wasn't so imprisoned in her sorrow she would feel her nails as they dig deeper into the skin on her forearms.

But Laura isn't here anymore. Laura are fighting for her life to not drown in all the memories that is thrown at her as if she´s a part of a game of dodgeball.

Laura is the target of too many months of suppressed emotions. Too many months of denying herself a chance to start over and let go of the past.

Too much time has passed since that night and yet, here she is. Bleeding out everything that words can't describe and tears can only try to wash away.

Her phone buzzes by her side. When it has done so uninterruptedly for three minutes Laura lifts her head and grabs it. She presses the green symbol on the screen and puts the phone to her ear.

_"I am so sorry Laura. I shouldn't have told you that, please I am so so sorry"._

She lets out a breath, the first one with only a slight tremble in it. She nods as she listens to Danny breathing on the other end.

_"God I wish I could do something. Can I do something?"._

Laura laughs, the oddest reaction possibly to that question, but it's the only one that her body can deliver in this state. The laugh turns into a hollow smile. She breathes in and braces herself. "How long?".

She can hear the uncomfortableness in Danny's voice, or more like mumbling. Laura can´t register what she´s saying, she hopes that it´s nothing important and keeps quiet as she waits for the bits that she needs to hear. Danny eventually sighs and Laura steels herself.

She speaks slowly and carefully, _"Four months. They meet through her floor don who Carmilla knew since before, she said something about them being cousins or something. She moved two months after they met"._

That mean that she got a late exception to UCLA.

It means that she met this girl before she moved.

She moved to be with her.

Laura doesn't know if that's too much information. Or if that hurts more than it already does. Maybe she's too hurt already to feel more pain.

So she bites her lip nervously. She needs to know more. "Is she happy?".

_"Yes"._

"Did she tell you that?".

Now it's Danny's turn to laugh and that frightens Laura. Danny sighs. _"She didn't have to"._

Laura bites down so hard on her lip that she tastes blood and her head starts to spin as her chest tightens again.

She lets out a jagged sob.

 _"Laura?"_.

"I can't do this".

_"It's okay Laura. You'll be okay, just breath"._

She tries to focus on Danny's voice, to her exaggerated breathing and calming words. But the room creeps closer onto her. The walls start to bend down and soon they will crush her against the floor. Her heart beats so loud that she thinks it's going to jump out of its place or just cause a heart attack on its own.

"I can't".

 _"Yes, you can Laura!"_ , Danny tells her with a sharp voice filled with anxiety. Which is the only thing that runs through Laura´s veins. That and panic.  

"I have to go", Laura lets out with another sob and puts her hand over her mouth to suppress it.

 _"Wait, Laura wait"_.

Laura crawls out of her bed and starts to pace between her door and desk.

_"You have to call me, okay?"._

"Okay".

Laura is willingly to say anything at this point, to distract her from the feeling of her inside being swallowed by that darkness or to just get rid of Danny. She can't have Danny hear this as she breaks down into nothing at all.

 _"I need you to promise me that you will call me when you are ready to talk about this"_ , Danny says. Laura shuts her eyes close as a wave of tears tumbles over her and she clenches her jaws together.

" _You have to promise me Laura. Laura!"._

"I promise", she presses out through gritted teeth. Her breath is caught in her throat. She needs to get out. She needs to, now!

"I have to go".

She ends the call and rushes out of her room, down the stairs, out of the hall and as soon as her feet reach the two step stairs to the entrance her stomach turns inside out. She falls to the side and stumbles down the steps as her hand tries to find something to hold onto. She hurls with one hand against the house wall, the other is pulling back her hair. She feels like she's suffocating, but the hurling doesn't end until it feels like all of her guts have been turned inside out. When everything is laying on the ground below her she leans against the wall with her hands held high and her forehead resting grainy wall cladding. She tries to breath in through her nose. Leans in with both arms against the wall. Her eyes are shut and her heartbeat is loud in her ears. Her throat is sore and her stomach aches. The same words echo in her head.

_She is someone´s somebody._

_She is someone´s somebody._

_She is someone´s somebody._

Laura takes in a breath filled with cry. Her eyes can't bleed more salt. Her chest can't deny her anymore oxygen. Her heart can´t beat more sadness through its veins. Her nails scrape the surface on the wall, moss is caught under them, and she brings her hands down to her face. They are soft against her cheeks and she slowly push herself off of the wall. She takes a few unsteady, wiggly steps back and then she stops.

She is someone´s somebody.

A crooked smile finds its way to Laura´s lips. It stays there for long enough for Laura to lean her head back and breathe in new air.

_She is someone´s somebody._

Then she looks up to the blue sky with fluffy clouds painted all over. She can hear the familiar sound of cars during rush hour. She can smell the soft scent of winter. As her eyes shut the smiles turns into nothing. She walks back up to her room and as she stands there, in the middle of it, with her back to the closed door, she can feel the chill on her arms. Down her spine. Up her legs. The cold penetrates her entire being. It´s a delay on everything. It takes her several minutes before she moves over to her closet and puts on her winter coat.

_She is someone´s somebody._

She wraps herself in her cover and crawls into a little tiny ball.

That night she cries herself to sleep and dreams of the girl she once knew, the one that made her feel so much more than anyone else have ever done. The one she'll never see again.

Because _she_ is someone´s somebody.

 

//

 

The door creaks open and she stumbles in with clumsy steps. She leans against the frame for a moment before she takes a breath, trying to gather herself and then she lets go. The door shuts close behind her with a slam. Her eyes are weary and her hair ruffled. As she tries to find her way to her desk she hits her toe on the chair and immediately stops. A low grunt leaves her lips and she bites her bottom lip while she bends down.

"Goddammit", she says and massages her foot standing on the other leg. She curses the single malt whisky she may or may not have tasted a bit too much of. She's not drunk, just barely intoxicated. And tired. Too tired. And it hurts, everywhere. The pre party partying got a bit out of hand, that's the reason for her early return. She isn't even sure the clock has passed ten pm.

She practically falls into her bed and grunts as her muscles tighten to reduce the fall. It really hurts. She pinches her eyes together, hard, and slowly crawls in on the bed so that she can sit properly without the sore parts of her thighs propped up on the edge of the bed. She clenches to the sheets as she lowers herself down into the madras and then breathes out slowly, carefully trying not to take to deep breathes. The pain in her chest is bad enough as it is. As her eyes open they fall down to her hands that are still cramping onto the sheets. They are painted red with blood. With some splashes of blue and yellow around the cracks in the skin. They are more bruised than not. The old wounds didn't get time to heal properly and they are now mixed together with new ones. She should really try and not get blood all over the covers, but that thought doesn't reach her mind. She struggles to get her phone out of her pocket and fumbles with it for a second.

She wants to call. Or text. Text is probably better. But she's drunk. Yeah, she drunk.

"I'm drunk", she says and laughs. How this is even funny can't she not remember, but it is.

She finds herself pathetic and that doesn't get any better by the fact that she has well to much alcohol in her system. Maybe something else too. She has a vague memory of something being passed around at the table earlier, but she doesn't remember if she took something. She really doesn't care, she stopped doing that a long time ago. The only thing she cares about right now is to find out how it went and if there were any problems. The thought of that makes her clutch even tighter to the bed and she frowns as the pain twists and wanders up her wrists.

A distant voice inside her head tells her to get a grip and get herself together.

Easier said than done. Especially when that voice sound like a pitiful version of her own.

She decides to put down the phone and slides of the bed, that she had such a struggle getting into, and moves over to the bathroom. She stinks of alcohol and smoke. She´s definitely in need of a shower, and water.

Water is good when you're drunk, she thinks and stumbles over some books laying on the floor. She swears under her breath. It´s the same foot and she starts to jump on the other leg, which only ends with her crashing into her dresser with a distinct thud.

Okay, you are seriously drunk, dimwit, she thinks to herself and grunts.

She keeps stumbling and practically falls onto the door handle and in through the door. Her bare feet met the cold floor, it sends shivers up through her body and they reach her spine. The light over the sink is blinding and she clenches her eyes shut for a moment when she has found the light button. When she finally meets her own reflection in the mirror a smirk fills her lips.

"You look terrible".

The girl in the mirror smiles back at her with a smudged face.

She leans onto the sink and tries to collect herself. At least the ground doesn't spin under her anymore. That's good.

That's progress.

She turns on the water and crawls out of her leatherjacket, under she´s wearing a black shirt with embroidered hem. It too is stained with blood so she slowly undresses, with much trouble and clenched jaws. It hurts. Every little movement hurts and she wishes that she was drunker, at least she wouldn't feel anything in that case. When she has pulled of her pants she has to lean against the sink again in an attempt to calm her breath and not focus too much on the fact that the pattern in the floor seems to shift under her gaze.

She looks down at the water streaming out of the tap and she doesn't want to, but she has to. A deep throated moan leaves her lips as the water washes over her hands, dissolving the dried up blood and runs over the cracks in the skin.

She knows what´s coming. This is the part that´s going to hurt the most. She clenches her teeth even tighter and slowly rubs her hands together, she can't help but moan through gritted teeth and tears build up in her eyes. She has to get the wounds clean or else she'll have to deal with infections and that is something she neither can nor will do. The sink turns into a canvas and is painted red in different shades, some lighter almost a bit pinkish and other´s deep like the colour of rose petals. It's actually quite beautiful in its own painful and fragile way.

The water runs over her hands, softly, harshly, gently and eases the pain, more or less, as it cleans out every little stain of the red. She carefully tries to rub the skin around the wounds to get the blood to come off. Her nails accidentally rip open the edges of some of the cracks in between her knuckles and she whimpers as the pain crawls deeper into her flesh. She tastes iron on her tongue and realises that she has almost bitten through her bottom lip, when she drags her tongue over it there's a little hole in the skin on the inside and she can taste the iron more distinctly on the tip of her tongue.

When she turns off the water all that's left on her hands is blue and yellow. It looks like somebody has tried to crush them with a hammer or something, but it doesn't feel like it. Not really anyway. It only hurts when she turns them into fists and those times she does that she's too worked up to feel the pain under the adrenalin. But now she does feel it. It's a dull pain that stretches out through her fingers to the very tips and in, up to her wrist. But it´s a pain she can handle, more or less. Her right one is worse the the other. She tries to use it as little as possible when she unhooks her bra and slips out of her underwear.

She doesn't wait for the shower to heat up, the cold water can hopefully wake her up from her drunkenness. A bit at least. So she relaxes her shoulders before she turns on the shower and a shiver runs down her spine and up again as the cold water meets her bare skin. The water slowly gets warmer and she leans on her forearms against the wall of the shower, she breathes in with uneven breaths because sometimes her chest hurts and sometimes it doesn't. It's almost as if someone is playing with the on-off button, sometimes the pain lights up and explodes, the next second it's dull and is soaked into the flesh. When her arms start to ache she brings them down and turns so that the water can run down her face. She presses her lips together when she starts to rub shampoo in her hands, her hands are too numb by now so it only stings for a moment when she begins to rub the lather into her scalp. She carefully washes out all of the shampoo, taking her time to make sure it’s all out, before she takes out the soap. When she´s all done she lets herself just stand under the stream of water. She likes the feeling of it running over her body.

She turns off the water and steps out of the shower. Blood drops seep through the cracks on her hands so she wraps her right hand in a towel before she puts on some clothes. She manages to put on a pair of sweats and a loose t-shirt without using her right hand, but she doesn´t even try to put on socks. She doesn´t even try to dry her hair, she just flings it back and lets it dry against her back. She finds some bandages in the cupboard over the sink and puts in both her hands. She´s actually quite sober, that cold water worked wonders.

She can still taste alcohol on her breath though. So she takes out a grape juice soda out of the fridge and almost sweeps it all at once. She coughs and downs what´s left of it. She throws the can towards the trashcan, it bounces off the edge of the trashcan and rolls back behind the dresser. She sighs, but lets it lay. She can take care of that when she cleans, which she really should do, this place looks like a pigsty.

She has been able to hold her thoughts at a distance, but know when she has absolute nothing to do they scream inside her head. She looks over to the bed, to her phone. She needs to know. Not knowing drives her crazy. She checks the clock on her nightstand, it's almost midnight. So it should already be done and over with by now. _She_ should know by now. Carmilla bites her lip and slowly walks over to the bed. She places herself on the edge, ignoring the feeling of knives being pushed through her thighs, and picks up her phone. She flips it around in her hand. But she lets go if it again and stands. She walks around in her room for a while, she even goes to pick up that can she threw away earlier and while she does that she picks up some of the clothes laying around. She plies them at the end of her bed before she carries it all into the bathroom and drops it one of the corners - at least it isn't scattered around her room anymore. But as soon as she has done that she's back at square one and her gaze immediately falls on her phone.

"For goodness sake", she breathes out and grabs the phone. She writes the text and sends it before her better senses kicks in. And then she sits down on the bed and waits. She has been waiting for this to happen for almost a week. She needs to know that it went like planed. That _she_ believed it. Carmilla hasn't been much of a liar, especially when it comes to the people she loves, but if it meant that _she_ would let go of the past - Carmilla would do anything for that to happen. She looks down to the text in the same second as an answer comes up on the screen.

 

**Carmilla (11:45pm): Did you tell her?**

 

**Danny (11:47pm): Yes**

 

**Danny (11:49pm): She is heartbroken Carmilla. Why did you ask me to do that?**

 

**Carmilla (00:01am): Because she is better off without me Bigfoot**

 

**Danny (00:01am): So breaking her heart once wasn't good enough for you ha**

 

**Carmilla (00:02am): We broke each other**

 

**Danny (00:03am): Bullshit**

 

**Danny (00:03am): She would have done anything for you!**

 

**Carmilla (00:05am): I know**

 

**Carmilla (00:06am): Why do you think I asked you to tell her that, like really you must be smart enough to figure that out**

 

**Danny (00:10am): You're a sadistic asshole**

 

**Carmilla (00:12am): True, but I wasn't the one that broke us**

 

**Danny (00:13am): Then who did?**

 

**Carmilla (00:15am): We did, together**

 

**Carmilla (00:16am): But now she can move on**

 

**Carmilla (00:16am): Without me**

 

**Danny (00:19am): She'll never forgive you for this, or me if she finds out**

 

**Carmilla (00:24am): She won´t find out because you are gonna keep your mouth shut**

 

**Danny (00:38am): She is never going to forget you**

 

**Carmilla (00:54am): I know.**

 

**Carmilla (01:04am): Now delete my number Zena and don't ever text or call me again**

 

Carmilla doesn't wait for an answer, instead she throws her phone across the room and hears the sound of it hitting the floor as it slides of her bed. She has been pacing around her room for the last hour. Talking about her just makes Carmilla restless. She can't sit down for long before her legs start to shake again and she has to try to walk it off. But it never really goes away, it just becomes a dull and deep going ache. So for the last ten minutes she has been going back and forth between the dresser and the door. It was from the door that she threw the phone. It just came over her and now, standing with an empty gaze she's truly fascinated by how something as little as talking about her makes her lose control of herself. They didn't even mention her name. But yet again, seeing Danny's name on the screen makes her remember everything she has been trying to forget.

That night she falls asleep with her eyes staring at the ceiling, at some point they flutter shut because she's too tired to fight of the sleep. She tosses and turns all throughout the night. She dreams about a girl, cute and kind in all the ways there is, and she has never felt as alone as she does when she wakes to the sound of a knock on her dorm room door.

“Wait a second”, she shouts and rolls out of the bed. Her legs are stiff and it takes a couple of steps before she finds her balance. She stumbles up to the door and opens it as her free hand rubs the remains of her sleep out of her eyes.

"Hey you", a familiar voice says and then two arms folds around her.

 


	4. Come by anytime, my door is always open for you

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _You're here_   
>  _Early but here_   
>  _On a morning so clear and blue_   
>  _Is fate up for debate?_   
>  _And does my love only count if its proved?_   
>  _\- Take it out on me (Chairlift)_

“Hi”, she breathes out and feels every nerve in her body shift towards the black haired girl. Carmilla freezes, looking as if she just seen a ghost. To be fair, Laura is a ghost of the past.

“Laura?”.

Oh God, how much Laura have missed that voice. No one has that kind of raspy voice besides Carmilla and it sets of a wave of emotions in her in a remarkable way.

“Hi”, Laura says once again and tries to relax, but all her senses are heightened and out of control.

“Wh- what are you doing here?”, Carmilla stutters. She never stutters. Never.

“I-”, Laura tries to say something. Anything. But she can´t. So she stands there, open mouth and all, but nothing comes out.

Carmilla probably doesn't know what to think. At least she looks like she doesn't.

She bites down on her bottom lip. Then, she takes a step to the side, slides the door open a bit more and lets out a sigh. “Come in”.

Laura doesn't move. She can´t. Carmilla looks at her, she looks like she´s not sure what to do, but she lets go of the door and walks over to the bed. She pulls at the covers to make the bed seem a little less unmade. Really, it makes no different. She has never been known for being a tidy person and that shows. But the fact that she does it suggest that she might be a little nervous. Just a little bit. It´s nothing like what Laura is though, because Laura is a nervous wreck. Which Carmilla probably already picked up on.

Laura still hasn't moved. Carmilla looks at her, a bit worried, and then she seems to relax or at least she lets her shoulder fall down and a smile touches her lips.

“Are you gonna stand there forever, cupcake?”, she asks with an ironic laugh.

This is what makes Laura look up and meet Carmilla´s eyes. Then she breathes out and steps over the threshold and into Carmilla´s room. As she looks around it feels as if she´s thrown back to the days when she used to consider this room a safe place. Everything looks the same. God, it even smells the same. It's like nothing has changed.

A smile sweeps over Laura´s lips when her eyes slides over the picture of a sunset and two girls sitting at a lake. “I remember that”, Laura says and walks up to the bookshelf. She only looks at it first, but then her fingers caress the black frame and they follow the contours of the water, the sand, the hands laced together on a checkered blanket and lastly those girl´s faces.

Even though it´s impossible to see it, they're smiling at each other. Laura knows that. She remembers doing it.

“I do too”, Carmilla says with a sigh behind her. “Laura”, Carmilla says her name with a gentle tone in her voice. She rarely uses her surname. But when she does, it has a way of making Laura´s mind go blank for a second. Almost as if someone pushes the pause button. It feels like that now too. As her name leaves Carmilla´s lips time stops and stands still for as long as it takes for her to feel her heartbeats grow in intensity.

It literally makes her whole body pulsate.

Laura shuts her eyes and pulls back her hand so it hangs at her side. She isn't sure why this feels so familiar. Why every detail is exactly as she remembers them.

“Why are you here?”, Carmilla asks and her voice is a whisper in a storm. An echo from their past. A promise of a future they once said that they would share, together.

But right now there´s just silence and the question hangs in the air as Laura sighs.

“I miss you”, Laura murmurs and turns to face her. “I miss you so much”.

Carmilla clenches her jaws. Her eyes fall to the floor and she turns stiff as if there´s tension throughout her every muscle. Her hands turn to fists and her knuckles turns to snow white dots on her already pale hands.

“Don't”, she hisses through clenched teeth.

Laura doesn't listen, or care.

She just walks up to her and stands there. Too close. She can hear her breathing, feel her raven hair stroke her cheek as she leans in and then there is the emerging need inside of her. The need to feel Carmilla. To touch Carmilla. To hear Carmilla. Carmilla wets her lips slowly and it looks by the way her eyes refuse to meet Laura´s that she´s trying her hardest to not move at all. Which only makes Laura´s pulse grow stronger.

“I just... I just needed to see you”, Laura says, and she knows that Carmilla hears the deepness in her voice.

“We can't do this again”, Carmilla whispers as Laura leans in a bit closer.

God, Laura can now smell the soft scent of Carmilla´s perfume. There's a hint of grape soda on her breath too.

“Laura”. She knows that this is Carmilla´s way of asking her to stop, but she will not listen to anything unless it is directed to her and her name isn't in this case- it´s only a one-word prayer.

Laura´s prepared for Carmilla to make an attempt to talk herself out of this situation, she's probably already doing it in her head, and she'll maybe even try to convince Laura to do the same. But Laura knows that she is far off having control over herself. Which becomes very clear when Laura’s finger grazes her hand. Once. Twice. And the third time her finger runs up the back of Carmilla´s hand and down her wrist, then she laces their fingers together. She can feel the thrill over Carmilla´s skin when she squeezes her hand. Carmilla's chest touches Laura´s since she is breathing so hard.

Laura bites down on her lip before she slowly pulls back Carmilla´s hair with her free hand and then lets it cup her neck. She´s so warm and close.

“Do you want me to stop?”, she asks with a whisper. She is pulsating. And every single one of her sense are aware of how close they are. "Do you want me to leave?".

Laura is taken by surprise when Carmilla breathes out. She relaxes her jaws, then her shoulders and lastly her hands. She breathes in slowly. Laura wants to say something but she fears that she´s too out of breath to speak. It takes all of her self-control to not do something, like kiss her, or kiss her. Or freaking kiss her.

Laura caresses Carmilla´s cheek with her thumb and her eyes never leaves her lips. Laura is filled with screaming hot lava when Carmilla finally looks up to meet her awaiting gaze. She looks content.

Pitch dark eyes meets brown. And it's written on their faces how familiar this is, how good it feels to be close to each other once again.

Carmilla sighs and shakes her head as she answers. “I've missed you too”.

It's all Laura needs to know, but not enough to make her lose her grip on herself. She needs Carmilla to take the first step, it´s the only thing that can prove that this is real. That this is them getting back to who they really are. Them finding each other again.

“Then kiss me”, Laura says with a muffled voice while leaning in closer to Carmilla´s face. Carmilla´s eyes flicker between Laura´s lips and eyes. "Carmilla". Laura knows she's begging and if she could she would go down on her knees too, but she can't move. And even if she could she wouldn't want to lose this- the feeling of absolute comfort and safety. The intensity of their auras melting into one once again. That feeling is addictive.

Laura breathes out as their lips brush against each other. "Kiss. Me".

Carmilla's eyes meets Laura's and then she smiles and leans in to meet her.

"You're really smooth, sundance", she whispers with that raspy voice of hers then grabs Laura's hips. And down they go.

Laura has missed Carmilla's lips. And her aggressive tongue that claims access to Laura´s mouth. Her lips are parted as Carmilla pushes forward and a deep throated moan is drowned between them. She doesn't know who made that noise but she is willing to prove that she can make Carmilla do it again, even if she didn't the first time.

Laura brings both of her arms up to Carmilla´s neck and locks them there, pulling Carmilla down. She feels her hands squeezing harder onto her hips. Her fingers intertwine with the black curls and her nails scratch the back of Carmilla's scull. Carmilla gasps for air as their lips part for barely a second and Laura presses forward to connect them again, she is meet with another moan. She smiles against Carmilla's mouth. This too is addictive.

Carmilla suddenly turns and brings Laura down onto her bed. Before she knows it has Carmilla locked her hands above her head and her lips are trailing down her neck. Laura presses her lips together and pushes back that revealing sound of pure extreme pleasure, but when Carmilla's mouth sucks on her collarbone she can't hold it back anymore. She can feel Carmilla's satisfied smile against her skin and then she comes up to face her again, still wearing that smile.

"You have really missed me", Carmilla whispers against Laura's lips and kisses her quickly.

"You have no idea", Laura replies and goes in to bite down on Carmilla's lower lip.

She grunts and loosens her grip on Laura's hands and Laura takes the chance to roll them over. She straddles down on Carmilla's hips and plays with her tongue over Carmilla's neck. She's met with another grunt and then Carmilla pulls her up to connect their lips again. She tastes of alcohol and lust. It practically oozes out of them both. Carmilla pushes forward, bringing them both up to sitting and wraps her arms around Laura's body. Making it impossible for Laura to move any other part of her body a part from her hips.

Laura giggles to hid the fact that she's getting heavier and it is directed at her centre. “You still like being in control ha?”. Carmilla laces her finger into Laura´s hair and tugs at it gently, revealing her neck and leans in to kiss the soft skin.

“And you still like talking when you really should be doing something else”.

Laura giggles once again and then feels two hands on either of her hips, they tug and pull to make her roll them over Carmilla´s. A moan slips through her red lips that she's been trying to bite down on to not let those sounds escape her and Carmilla´s smirk is beyond sexy when they lock eyes. “Are you gonna keep talking?”, she asks and Laura looks down on her. Then she suddenly pushes forward and brings Carmilla down on her back again, while still moving her hips.

“Are you gonna keep teasing me?”, Laura murmurs and erases the space between them. She kisses Carmilla hard and deep with one hand around her neck and the other lacing together their fingers. No words could explain how much she has missed this and she puts all of that into the kiss. When she leans back again Carmilla opens her eyes and they glow, really glow. Laura just knows that she feels the same way and it is the most satisfying feeling she has felt in so long.

Carmilla´s steady hand to her lower back is a clear no.

So Laura lets herself be pushed up again and helps Carmilla take of her top before she unbuttons her own shirt. But Carmilla shakes her head at her when they disconnect and grabs her hands, leading them down to her jeans while she continues to unbutton Laura´s shirt. Carmilla pulls of the shirt and kisses the hollow of Laura´s neck, over to her collarbone and down between her breasts. Laura has almost lost control by that point, but manages to undo the button on Carmilla´s jeans and her hands are avid as she starts to pull them off of Carmilla´s legs. Carmilla pushes her shoulders down onto the madras to help Laura and when her jeans are off Laura throws herself down on her. Laura loves the feeling of Carmilla's skin against her own and wants nothing else than to feel the rest of it. As if Carmilla could read her mind she moves her hands to Laura's pants and slowly unbuttons them, she grins against Laura's hungry lips and teases with her hands moving to grab Laura's ass under her pants. Laura grunts and bites Carmilla's lip as revenge.

Carmilla pulls down her pants with a lot of smirking and giggling from Laura's side and then she's on top again, looking down at the smiling girl in her bed. Laura breathes out and reaches up to direct her down again, their lips connect and Carmilla hums into the kiss. When they part she just looks at Laura, who starts to wonder what all this staring is about and then Carmilla sighs deeply and lower herself down entirely onto Laura. She spreads Laura's legs open with her knee and slides in deeper. Laura grabs Carmilla's shoulders and her nails dig into the skin as Carmilla's knee is pushed against her crotch. Right to the home of that heavy feeling. Her eyes flutter close and she presses her lips together, but then Carmilla's hand caresses her cheek so preciously and soft she just has to open her eyes again.

Carmilla smiles down at her. "I want you to look at me, okay?", she says and Laura can see the darkness in her eyes. The darkness filled with love and desire.

Laura nods and Carmilla kisses her without a word.

It feels like a whole life has passed since they last were this close. And if it doesn't show on how Laura´s body reacts to Carmilla´s hands, lips, breath, skin and even eyes meeting her skin than it is written all over her face after every kiss. Laura´s eyes flutter shut when Carmilla tugs at her underwear, torturingly slow with a too big smile over her lips. Laura had never believed that just thinking of Carmilla giving her what she wanted would give her such pleasure and she has to remind herself that she can't just lay there without giving some of that pleasure back. So Laura forces her eyes to open and she meets Carmilla´s dark gaze.

She´s enjoying herself. God, she loves doing this to Laura. And Laura bites down on her lip before she reaches up and cups Carmilla´s neck, as she pulls her down to connect their mouths her other hand trails down Carmilla´s back to her bra. Laura unhooks it without much struggle and carefully slides the straps down her arms.

She could kiss Carmilla forever. Just kiss her over and over, spilling time melting into her. It would be the perfect way to live and to die. That feeling overwhelms her and she cups Carmilla´s face, stopping her from moving down her neck with gentle nips and kisses. Carmilla looks confused but doesn't move, even though Laura can see that her vision is clouded by lust.

Laura breathes out in an attempt to calm her breathing, but it as well as her pulse is way beyond its normal rate. So she just smiles slightly.

”I love you Carmilla", she whispers and every single word tastes sweet on the tip of her tongue, as if it has been waiting to be able to say those four words.

She really has been waiting to say them again.

Carmilla smiles too and maybe even blushes. "I love you too, Laura", she replies and leans down to kiss her. It is the most intense kiss they have ever shared and Laura feels the tremble it brings to her body. Carmilla´s does too, and soon her lips has moved down on the path they were interrupted on earlier.

Laura tries, she really does try, not to give up everything to Carmilla right away. But she thinks that they both know that she practically did that the moment she made Carmilla make the first move. Carmilla has always had that control over her. And Laura has had control over the control she once and again given to Carmilla.

That doesn't help her right now though. Because when Carmilla crawls back and blows hot air over Laura´s sunburned stomach she makes sounds that can never in the history of mankind be excused as simply indulgence. She is embarrassingly close to reaching the peak of her climax and Carmilla isn't even touching her. So when Carmilla does touch her, grabs the waistband to her underwear and pulls them off in one sweep, Laura´s left breathless. To make it even worse, she´s sure that her heart will jump out of her chest when Carmilla´s hands spreads her legs open even more. She´s expects to find two big red marks of Carmilla´s hands on her thighs, because her skin literally burns under Carmilla´s touch. Maybe that´s okay though, she wouldn't mind Carmilla marking her as her own. Laura knows that she'll never be anyone else´s.

She shuts her eyes, hoping that Carmilla´s too preoccupied doing what she´s doing to not see it. But of course, she does.

Laura doesn't notice it at first, because Carmilla doesn't move, and that´s the thing. She stops. With her hands resting on Laura’s upper thighs and just doesn´t move. Laura peeks down at her and is meet by Carmilla´s amused look.

Seriously, Laura thinks and puffs out of frustration.

But she locks her eyes to Carmilla and as she does Carmilla moves her hands an inch down towards her centre. It takes every single fraction of Laura self-control to not break away. Carmilla wears a wicked smile, that certainly will haunt Laura´s dreams, and Laura can feel it as she places a soft kiss on her thigh and then the other, dangerously close to the pulsating heat in between her legs. Laura can feel the familiar shiver through her legs and up through her stomach as Carmilla moves down and kisses right above her clitoris.

And this isn't teasing, Laura asks herself and clenches down on her lip. That too will definitely leave a mark. Her nails are far down the covers already and if she could see her hands she would see white knuckles and tense underarms. As on cue Carmilla pushes two fingers inside her and Laura gasps.

Where is Carmilla´s mouth when she needs it as most.

Well it is detached to the most sensitive spot on Laura´s body and she can for the love of god not decide if that´s where she should be in this exact moment. Laura hopes that Carmilla´s brother is out, or else he will definitely have to listen to a very private show. Probably the neighbours too if Carmilla continues with this torture. Carmilla uses her tongue as she places soft and hard kisses down Laura's centre, pushing it in and then out as Laura twist under her. She can't help that her hips shut up to bring them closer to Carmilla's mouth and they roll to create more friction. Carmilla pushes Laura back down into the madras with her arm pressed against her lower stomach and her tongue continues to swirl over Laura's centre without regarding the loud noises leaving the girl's quivering lips. Laura can feel the ache grow and stretch out within her, if Carmilla keeps going she'll fall of the edge any moment now and she arch her back when Carmilla curls her fingers inside her.

"I'm coming", Laura gets out with jagged breathes and Carmilla looks up, Laura quickly opens her eyes so they are wide open and meets those pitch dark holes of eyes. But her gaze is hazy, so she has to put all of her focus into it so that she doesn't just float away in front of Carmilla.

"Don't tell me, show me", Carmilla replies and Laura moans just by hearing those words. She knows. Carmilla will give her hell and she will embrace it with open arms all throughout the night if that´s what it takes.

A loud _fuck_ escapes Laura´s lips as she falls back onto the pillow and Carmilla pushes forward with another grin on her face, bringing Laura to the very peak and Laura can feel her whole body contract.

Laura is jerked out of her dream and sits up breathlessly. She looks around with eyes wide open. She is back in her dorm room at Brown. Everything is quiet, a part from the sound of rain splattering against the window.

“It was just a dream”, she says to calm herself down. She smiles to the realization. But then, she looks down to her side where she had had sworn would be taken by that black haired beauty a couple of minutes earlier. “It was just a dream”, she repeats to herself as her hand tugs at the covers. She breathes out. Her eyes water up and before she knows it, she is crying. It´s a silent cry. That kind that breaks more on the inside than it shows on the outside.

“It was just a dream”, she says with her voice drowned in sobs. She falls down on her back again and pulls at the covers. She lets herself imagine the smell of lavender and a pale arm wrapped around her, long fingers laced together with hers and two lips pressed against the spot behind her ear.

“It was just a dream”, the distant memory of a raspy voice whispers in her head and Laura gasps for air as she feels the hole inside her chest ache. “Go back to sleep, cupcake”, the voice says and Laura clenches at the covers before she is dragged back down into a restless sleep with tears still seeping out of the corner of her eye.

When she wakes up her eyes are glued _together_ because of dried up tears and her cheeks sting because of the salt lingering on onto the skin. She is crawled up like a little ball and she has apparently kicked her sheets of the bed during the night. She breathes out heavily and turns onto her back. She rubs the remains of unsatisfying sleep out of her eyes and then stares up to the ceiling. She can't help but wonder if _she_ suffers too. If _she_ dreams of them as often as she does. Or if she is a lost memory by now. She must be now that _she_ has someone else to hold _her_.

Laura sighs. She's tired, of life, of thinking, of not being happy. She's just tired of being so incredibly tired all the time. She turns on the light by her nightstand and grabs her phone. She speed dials the third number on her speed dial list and rubs her eyes one more time as the dial tones ring in her ear.

 _“This is Danny”,_ a sleepy Danny answers and Laura realizes that she doesn't have a clue what the time is. It is even morning yet?

“Hi”, she says and covers her eyes with the other hand. She should have checked what time it was. With the time difference it's probably way too early at Danny's. Way too early.

 _“Laura?”._ Danny sounds surprised, or confused. Maybe both. Laura can hear the sound of her yawning and there's someone humming in the background.

“I need help”, Laura says without thinking about it. But really that's why she called, she shouldn't sugar coat it. Danny would detect that anyway, however tired she is. It´s like that girl has special powers when it comes to lying, she just knows when someone doesn't speak the truth. Laura doesn´t think that Danny has lied even once in her life, besides when it comes to telling Kirsch whether or not she loves him. That will she not admit to even under gunpoint. Not yet anyway. “I know that it´s probably really late and I shouldn't be calling-", she says but is interrupted by a much more alert Danny.

 _“No, it´s okay”._ Laura breathes out, relieved and pushes herself up to sitting. _“I'm glad you called"._

"Yeah, me too", she says and sits back against the headboard. "I can't keep doing this Danny", she breathes out and her mind goes to that dream and every other dream she has had the last couple of months.

 _"I'm here. We are all here for you",_ Danny replies and Laura thinks she can hear another humming in the background. And when he speaks up and asks Danny if she wants some coffee Laura recognises the voice as Kirsch's.

That love confession might not be so far of if they're spending nights, sleeping, together, Laura thinks and smiles.

_"Do you wanna talk about it?"._

"I thinks so, I just-", the rest of the words are caught in her throat and she coughs before she pulls her knees up to her chest. Danny's breathing on the other end in calming and she is able to find her way around the lump in her throat. "I just need to get it out you know", she's finally able to get out and Danny sighs.

 _"I do",_ she says and Laura makes a mental note to thank her later for being more than she has to be as a friend. She has to thank all of them for that in some way. _"I'm here. I'll listen for as long as you need me. I am here Laura",_ she continues and Laura smiles as she hears Kirsch's voice in the background again which is followed by a tired sigh from Danny. But Laura knows that she´s hiding a smile in that sigh. "Kirsch says that he's here too".

"Thank you and thank Kirsch too, I miss you guys. More than you think". Laura wraps her arm around her legs and breathes out, then she lets everything out. Once and for all. She can't help but think that this, this could possibly be the end to _their_ end.

 

//

 

As Carmilla looks up her eyes catches the glimpse of a bag on the floor next to the person standing in front of her before they meet two pitch dark eyes.

“Hey you”, Will says and takes one step forward, embracing her.

Carmilla's shocked and it takes a couple of seconds before she realizes what is happening. But then she understands that she's actually awake and that Will isn't a part of her dreaming. She hugs her brother back and feels his smile against her temple. He takes a step back, with his hands on her shoulders. He lets out a deep breath as their eyes meet. "How are you, sis?".

"I'm fine", Carmilla answers. Will searches for something in her eyes and Carmilla knows it. She waits for him to say it, that thing she knows that he'll say. That he always says.

But Will doesn't say anything. Instead he smiles in that pitiful way that Carmilla hates. And then, she realises why he's here.

"Kirsch told you, didn't he?", Carmilla says. Will's empty look is all the answer she needs. Of course Danny had to tell Kirsch about it, really it was something Carmilla should have expected. Those two never kept anything from each other. But really, about _this_. About Laura and her, that Carmilla thought was some kind of line even when it came to their open and honest relationship. She turns and laughs. "God, that puppy can't keep his gob shut that's for sure".

"He only mentioned it". Carmilla laughs again and runs a hand through her hair.

"If he only _mentioned_ it to you, he might as well _just_ mention it to Laura too", her voice is harsh and high pitched. Will frowns at her, bends down and lifts his bag up. When he has thrown the bag at the end of the bed he closes the door, just to lean against it.

"He won't tell her", he says.

"How do you know that?". Carmilla looks over at him with wide eyes and raised eyebrows, she's really pissed off at Kirsch and luckily he's not here to reserve a thank you for that bullshit move.

A thank you slap and a kick to the balls if he´s lucky. But unfortunately she has to keep that back and her hands turn to fists as a result of that.

"Because he loves her more than he would enjoy messing with you", Will answers and it actually makes Carmilla's lips twitch a little. He's right. Kirsch would take the chance to make her life miserable without a second thought about it, but not if it by any chance could affect Laura. "And really, he just told me because the last one to hear from you was Danny, since you're not getting back to me".

Carmilla feels the last sentence like a punch to the stomach, she has been feeling guilty about not keeping in touch with Will or their mother. But when it came to the core of the problem, she couldn't bring herself to call either of them because they still reminded her of her home. Which her mind immediately linked to Laura. Because nobody had ever made Carmilla feel more like home than that girl.

"I think that he actually respects you for doing what you did", Will says and interrupts Carmilla in her thoughts. Carmilla raises one eyebrow again, confused.

"I didn't do anything, I just told Lawrens to lie".

"Well, that's something. And without it they would still be trying to figure out how to break her out of that bubble she's been living in all this time". The fact that Will doesn't use _her_ name is both calming and terrifying.

Carmilla wonders for a moment if she'll ever be okay with hearing _her_ name and not flinch.

"So he won't tell her?", Carmilla asks. Will nods with a half-smile. "Good". She breathes out and seats herself on the bed. She takes her head in her hands and tries to remember how it feels to breathe without the feeling of someone practicing double dutch on her chest. Will comes over and sits down next to her. He places one of his hands on her knee in an attempt to comfort her.

"How are you?". His question would have brought a laugh out of Carmilla any other day of the week, but it doesn't this time. She is just too tired and sick of keeping her walls up. "Really". Carmilla breathes out, then she lets go and looks up at his worrying eyes.

"What do you think?".

He sighs and rubs his chin before he lets go of her knee and jumps a bit to the side to give her some space. But it's only a way for him to show that's it okay if she wants it. She knows that he much rather would be close and comfort her instead.

"I think that I'm very lucky to have a sister who unconditionally puts everyone's else's happiness before her own, no matter the cost". His voice is low, loving and filled with pain. Carmilla has to look down, otherwise she fears that she'll crack. "I also think that she has been beating herself up for it and maybe beaten someone else too as a result of that anger she can't seem to get rid off", he continues and Carmilla feels every tear as they build up in her eyes. "Am I close?". Carmilla only laughs at that. It's a hollow laugh and a confirmation of that Will has been right all this time. She wipes her cheeks dry from a couple of stray tears, and her nose, before she runs a shaky hand through her hair.

"I'm fine".

"No, you're not", Will quickly responds. Carmilla breathes out. She hasn't cried for so long she almost fears it as much as she does herself and who she has become. Will lifts his hand and touches her cheek, waiting for her to pull away but she doesn't, then wipes away a tear with his thumb. Carmilla looks up at him with a flushed face. "And that's okay", he whispers.

She almost believes him, but then she rubs her chin with the back of her hand and it stings. She reflexively looks down at her hand, at her knuckles that are a bit red from the salty tears sinking in through the cracks in her skin. They are still bruised and some of the wounds are cracked at the edges, that's why it stings. The bandages she put one the night before most have slipped off during the night. Will takes her hand and inspects it. He carefully caresses the skin and follows the layers of blue, purple, red and yellow with his fingertips.

Carmilla thinks that she hears him breathe out her name and then shakes his head.

"They're old", Carmilla says with a shaky voice. It´s a lie and it stings to say it because she should tell the truth, especially when it comes to her brother. Will only frowns and as he moves on to her other hand to give it the same attention. Seeing him like this hurts Carmilla more than when she got those wounds. Because this is someone caring and she doesn't want to be somebody that needs to be cared for.

"How many?", he finally asks. But it's not the question that Carmilla hoped for.

"What time period are we talking about?", she says and tries to laugh. But when he doesn't react she sighs and shifts uncomfortably in her seat. "Six".

She doesn´t know if that´s a lie or not, she can´t remember much from the nights she has come home wrecked. Because alcohol has been running through her veins most days of the week for months and when she grew tired of sleeping around she started to put her hands to another use. Thereby, scarred knuckles and sore ribs.

Will breaths out and places her hand in her lap before he pinches the bridge of his nose. He looks pissed, and confused, and worried.

But mostly sad, Carmilla thinks for herself and bites nervously on her lip. "The last one kicked me in the butt", she says and hopes that he'll find it funny or fair or that she deserves it.

"Good", Will answers while still pinching his nose.

"Yeah, it threw me off a bit to be honest, he didn't look like a fighter to me", Carmilla is ranting.

Also one of the things she isn't used to. She has never been that kind of a person that rants, but sitting here next to her brother and maybe the only person in the world that stands being around her, she feels uncomfortable in her own skin. She is actually repulsed by herself and the things she has done to people that never in their lifetime deserved to be treated that way she treated them.

She breathes out and moves closer to him, erasing the space he so respectively made for her. Then she takes his hand in the both of hers, pressing it gently. "I'm fine, promise".

"I don't believe in your promises, you know that", he whispers and she nods.

"I know". Will only moves to put an arm around her shoulders, and she takes that as an invite and leans her head against his shoulder. "Sorry", she breathes out and Will nods before he squeezes her shoulder.

Carmilla doesn't remember the last time they sat like this. Or, no, she does. That was the night before she got on that train going anywhere else than where she wanted to be, the night before he went over to Laura's place and picked up her things for her. It was the night before she left her home and the night after she walked away from the love of her life. That was the last time they sat like this.

That realization hurts Carmilla and she regrets not going home to visit her family, at least once. They didn't deserve what she has put them through.

"How long are you staying?", she asks before looking up at him. Will smiles that half smile of his and then he looks down at his younger sister. The one other person in the world that has the same pitch dark eyes as him. He sighs before leaning down, placing a soft kiss on her forehead.

"As long as you need me".

Carmilla smiles too, mostly to hide the fact that her eyes are tearing up again. And she can´t start crying right now. Even though that would actually help more than she wants to admit. She hasn't really cried at all and if she let it happen now she wouldn't be alone, and that would make it easier, but she doesn't let herself do that. She can't cry, because crying hurt and pain spreading from the inside would awake memories. Pain caused by punches and beats suppresses them, but if she cried everything would be coming tumbling down on her again. And she can´t cry like that. She hasn´t.

Not since that night.

"Thank you, Will", she whispers against his chest and her head bounces against it as he starts laughing.

"Don't thank me yet", he says with another laugh. "I promised mother that I'll convince you to come home for Christmas".

Carmilla swallows a laugh of her own and shoots an eye up to Will. "You are kidding me right?".

"No, she literally made me vow that I´ll get you home", Will says and it shows on his face that he never believed in the idea that he could convince his sister to come home even if he bribed her.

Carmilla shakes her head and sits back. She runs a hand through her hair while thinking that their mother has a funny way of trying to get her back into her life. Or, into Carmilla’s old life. Carmilla loves her for it, but she has never realized how hard it was for Carmilla to leave and how hurt she must have been to be able to do it.

"You do understand that I won't come home, not for Christmas nor for anything else?", she asks. Will looks disappointed, but also not surprised. He sighs with a nod. “She has to accept that”.

"I know", he says. "But if mother asks, I convinced you but you had an exam or something so you couldn't come", he continues with a laugh but then goes serious. “She will call you to check up on you, so you need to have a good explanation or else she'll drive over here herself and drag you by your hair if that´s what it takes to get you home”.

"Sure”, Carmilla says with a smirk. She remembers their mother´s ways to get what she wanted. She pats him on the knee and sits straight, then she stands and stretches out her back. "Since you're here, do you want breakfast?".

"Sounds good".

Carmilla nods while she picks up a sweatshirt from the pile of clean clothes sitting on the chair by the desk. She pulls it over her head and frowns in pain a little as her hands stroke against the fabric, she needs to put something over them too. Not as much because of the pain but because of the fact that people have a way of looking at her in a funny way when they see her with those kind of bruises. It´s like they immediately think that she has been abused or runs a private fight club of some sort. She moves over to her desk and wraps her hands in new bandages.

"You'll pay", she says and walks to the door without looking at Will but she catches him shaking his head after hearing him snort behind her back when she opens the door.

"Why am I not surprised", he comments quietly and follows her out the door.

The dorm corridor is silent besides the occasional sounds of snores and cracks of an old bed as someone turns in her sleep. Carmilla isn't sure she wants to know what time it is, if she did she would probably hit Will for waking her up so early. Especially after the night she just had.

"How is Karen?", she asks as they exit the building. They are met by a cold breeze and Carmilla smiles, she loves her cold and windy Chicago. Nothing feels as good as a refreshing wind and the smell of salt. If there's anything she doesn't regret, it is moving here. Here she feels safe and comfortable. Nothing can touch her here, a part from an occasional dream or memory of the past. But Chicago is new, fresh, open and was ready to welcome her with open arms as soon as she got of that train. This is her home. Her sanctuary. Here is the right place to start over, even though she hasn't gotten around to that point yet.

"She is good, we're moving in together next Friday", Will says and pulls up his collar as another wind tugs at their clothes. He makes a grimace out of dislike. That's one of the things that makes them so different- Carmilla loves the cold and Will has always felt most comfortable in the warmth of the sun or one a tropical beach. Which explains why he moved to LA as she fled to Chicago.

"Really?", Carmilla responds and catches him do that face a second time as they cross the street and are exposed to the strength of the wind. She smirks and walks backwards to look at him. "So when is the baby due?".

"Shut up".

"I'm serious", she says and Will shakes his head at his sister. "I remember you saying that you weren't moving in with _anyone_ until you finished college, not even a roommate, and now what". Carmilla wears an annoying smile and by the look on him he tries his best not to smile too. "She has to be pregnant or something". Will shakes his head once again, but when he looks at Carmilla she's no longer smiling. She looks serious all of a sudden and she can tell on his eyes that he knows that she knows. And as he sighs he tells her that he knows what she's about to ask him.

"What does mother think?".

"I haven't told her", he says with a boyish voice. He only uses that one when he is ashamed over something or is being scolded. "Don't you worry I'll tell her, just not now", he continues and Carmilla falls into his side, hooking his arm with hers.

They walk quietly for a while, she steering him towards the café that has become her go-to place, but then he laughs and breaks the silence. "I'll wait till you do something stupid so that she doesn't remember it".

Carmilla slaps him over the arm gently. "Thank you".

"You're welcome".

She breathes out and looks at a couple when they walk past them holding hands and pushing a stroller in front of them. "I'm done screwing things up", she says and looks up at Will. He doesn't laugh, but she knows that he won't believe her. He has always been a firm believer of actions over words. She however, even though she likes to think that that has changed, trusts words way too much than she should and dismisses actions earlier than she should.

"Easier said than done", he comments.

"Yeah, well easy has never been my thing has it".

"Guess not", he says and squeezes her arm kindly. "So you are really gonna turn this around?", he asks and Carmilla allows herself to bring down those sky-high walls surrounding her heart a bit and meets his warm gaze.

"I'm gonna try", she says and he smiles a little. "I promise". He shakes his head and Carmilla knows that he wants to tell her the same thing he did before- he doesn't believe her promises, he learned that lesson many years ago. "So if you want me to cover up for your big _move_ then you have to move fast because soon I'll be her favourite".

"Okay we both know that's never going to happen", he replies with a laugh. The more he laughs the more Carmilla´s heart hurts, she has really missed him. More than she knew she had. But then he stops and looks worried, and his eyes tells her that during the time she has been hiding away from her pain has he been struggling with things of his own. That´s when she sees the dark rings under his eyes and the fact that he hasn't shaved for what looks like several days- he has really been worried about this.

"Can't you like get expelled or something first, then change things?", he says and even though Carmilla knows that it´s a joke she thinks that it´s way too much wishing to what he says than either of them wants to know. "Please, pretty please". She shakes her head with a smile and he smiles too. She looks at him for a while and when they reach the café she reaches for the handle to door, but stops and meets his eyes.

"I've missed you", she says and when he breathes out she thinks that he might start crying right here in front of her. But then he shakes his head with love glowing out of his eyes.

"I've missed you too sis".

They walk into the much warmer café with the cosy smell of newly baked goods and dark roasted coffee. She steers him to her usual table in the corner.

"And there's no way mother's just gonna _forget_ about Karen being pregnant", she says as she slides into the seat.

"I know", he replies and covers his face with his hands with his elbows propped up on the table. When he removes his hands he looks helplessly at her. "I'm screwed", he says and she knows that this is his way to finally accept that fact. However hard and terrifying it is.

Some small bit of her is happy that he´s able to accept that with her and not with anyone else.

"We can be screwed together", she says to comfort him and he snorts. "Or just dead, because she's gonna kill me for not coming home and murder you for getting your girl knocked up". That brings a smile to his lips and he breathes out.

"What should we put on our gravestones?".

She frowns as she thinks for a moment and then lights up. "How about ´ _the reckless ones´_?".

He frowns with amusement and then laughs once again and Carmilla thinks that the more she can make him laugh, the less destroyed will he be. Maybe he doesn't have to go through the things she has been- even though it would be because of a whole other reason.

"I was thinking something like, ´ _fucked up youngsters that never learned how to´_ -”.

“Use a condom?”, she interrupts and he bites his lip. Swallowing down another laugh.

“Shut up!”, he says and Carmilla waves over the waitress. “I'm fucked, right?”, he asks as she looks at him again.

“Yes, you are”, she answers and breathes out. She pulls at the bandages, she still remembers, slightly, the first time she walked in to this very café with similar wounds. But then she didn't cover them up. She has at least learned to do that. “Me too, if it makes you feel better”, she says and maybe she can accept things too. Maybe this can be a new beginning to an old end.

“It does”, he says and reaches over the table to take her hand.

Yeah, she thinks. Maybe we can both get out of this more alive than what we are today.

  



	5. Let's see where this leads us

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _Under haunted skies I see you (ooh)_   
>  _Where love is lost your ghost is found_   
>  _I braved a hundred storms to leave you_   
>  _As hard as you try, no, I will never be knocked down, whoa_   
>  _\- Turning Tables (Adele)_

Laura opens the car door and slides out. She is wearing a high cut blue dress and black heels. Which to her feels all wrong, too short, too bright and simply wrong. But that was the only thing that Perry approved off. Otherwise she was going to be forced into borrowing something of her instead, and that wasn't an option. Laura corrects the dress and tries to fix her hair in the reflection of the windshield. She doesn't recognise her reflection. Maybe that´s a good thing, because if she was looking the same way she did before no one in their right mind would want to go out with her.

She knows she´s early, also thanks to Perry. Though she normally finds it necessary to be on time and rather ten minutes early or so, she didn't feel like that tonight. She would rather rush through the door on the second, because that made it impossible for her to back out. And she knows that she needs to do this. But some part of her just don't want to, it´s like something is holding her back. She does have an idea of why she feels like this, but she won't under any circumstances talk about it. Her thoughts are loud enough as they are and clearly driving her nuts already.

Its’s not like this is the first date she has ever been on or agreed to, but this is the first one she felt truly nervous about. Of course she was nervous the first couple of times when she hadn't done this for so long, but that was because of nerves regarding her ability or not to get through a whole dinner or lunch or movie without rushing out because she just couldn´t be there. Be there with that person and not the one she still remembered. The questions on top of that made her knees shiver just by the thought of it.

She did however make it through those mandatory dates, as LaFontaine called them. This isn't one of those. This is the first date she feels nervous about meeting the girl and not about forgetting another. This is her first real chance to meet someone and make a connection, Perry said seconds before she shut the car door and left Laura on her own with her thoughts. She almost ran down a lamppost on her way over here because her mind was just too crowded by every single thing she has been working on.

She was just a bit nervous, she tried to tell herself.

Now, standing in front of her car, she can't just tell herself that. It´s like trying to tell a storm that it´s just a gust of wind. Laura shakes her head, thinking that this is insane. It´s just a date. A blind date. But still, just a date. If she doesn't like the girl she can just leave, say something like _I feel like I'm coming down with something_ or that she remembers that she needs to be somewhere.

Really, this is just an attempt to calm herself down. In reality, Laura knows that she could never do such a thing. She is just too compassionated and, frankly, using those kind of excuses just makes you an asshole. At least to her.

It´s a quiet night. Middle of April. The wind is chill, but not cold enough for her to have to use a jacket. The sounds of a busy city fill the air and the sky is blue. It´s the right kind of night for this.

For a new start, she thinks and pulls her hair to one side.

Laura takes a deep breath. Looks over to the restaurant where they are supposed to meet. Before she enters she pulls her phone out of her bag and checks the time, it´s a quarter past seven. They have a reservation for half eight. Which means that she can either walk in, get their table and sit there and wait. Or, she could stay outside and take a walk or something.

Laura chooses the latter. She could actually need the practice of walking in these heels. She hasn't got a hand on it yet and it would just be embarrassing to stumble up the girl, or if god will, fall and make a real Laura Hollis entrance. She doesn't know much about the girl she´s meeting, Danny and Kirsch knew who she was but that was about it. Danny was the one that suggested that they would go out and, after some serious persuasion, Laura said yes. Kirsch had smiled in that amused way over his cup of coffee like he knew something Laura didn't and then told her to wear heels. So the only thing Laura knows about the girl is that she´s tall- the Danny Lawrence kind of tall.

She likes this, just walking.

It clears her mind and if there´s something she needs right now it is that. School have been kicking her ass. She was expecting college to be hard, but not this kind of hard. It keeps her at her toes though and have made her realize that she likes working under pressure, like really, she does her best when she has almost no time at all to do it. Maybe she has just learned to push through it. To just buckle down and do it. Without questioning why and how. The more she reads and the more her teachers talks about the world the tingling feeling of excitement grows stronger in her legs. She has this growing need of seeing things, experience things and just do what she has been reading about.

She thought she had lost that craving to the emptiness, but soon to be two years at Brown had awaken that need again. Slowly, just like a slow burning fire, it had brought her creativity to life again. Her notebooks are proof of that, they are more or less filled with silly poems and short story themes in the margins. The fact that LaFontaine and Perry nowadays ask about her lack of pushing them to read something of her instead of flinching when they receive a new fanfiction in their inbox is a good sign too.

Actually, she is doing very well. She has managed to turn things around and even though she still remembers, she is no longer affected by it in the same way. Danny and Kirsch went through her dorm with her in the beginning and cleaned out pretty much every single evidence of her old life. They put everything in boxes and drove them over to Laura's dad so that she wouldn't be reminded every time she looked through her collection of Harry Potter books and accidentally find that old photo album jammed in between The prisoner of Azkaban and The Goblet of fire.

It worked at first. Mostly because she was so determined not to remember, but when she eventually got back to being herself she saw the small things that Danny and Kirsch couldn't possibly know would mean something to her. Like the owl lamp on her desk- _they_ bought that together. Or the green shirt in her closet that was just slightly too big for her- that used to be _hers._ Even her yellow pillow meant more than anyone besides the _two_ of them could know.

That pillow was the one and only thing that Laura deliberately kept as a memory of _them_.

When they were together and stayed the night at Laura´s dad´s house _she_ would always sleep on that pillow, mostly they shared it but _she_ ended up stealing it sometime during the night- every night.

It was the small things that still had an effect on her. A good effect it seemed like, even though she didn't believe it at first. She started to forget about the pain and remember the good things and when all of the pain was resolved by good memories she stopped thinking of _her._ At least in that way. She stopped resenting _her_ all together. Instead she thought about _her_ and what _she_ could be doing, if _she_ still was at UCLA or if _she_ gotten tired of the sun yet. Eventually she stopped thinking about _her_ altogether and when that happened she had gotten through those awkward dates, she had finished her first year at Brown and gotten one year older.

One year wiser.

Perry and LaFontaine stopped looking at her like she was a victim and got back to being their silly lovey dovey selves around her, which speeded up her recovery. Because that´s what most people called it- she was recovering from a terrible heartbreak. Or just break because her whole system was at the edge at breaking down for a while. She had missed her friends being like that, in love and able to show it in front of her. That hurt for a while, not the love, knowing that they had hid what they shared to make it easier for her. They had been acting around her and suppressed their feelings because of her. She felt like she owed them for all of that time they had spent with her, keeping a distance and holding back. That was why she spent half a fortune on that spa she sent them to as a Christmas present- it was the least she could do.

Danny and Kirsch had taken a different approach. They stayed the same, kept fighting and making up, more or less with her around. Danny kept talking about Kirsch in third person like he wasn't there and when he wasn´t she talked about how silly and annoyingly romantic he was. Laura never doubted that Danny was unconditionally in love with him no matter how loud they yelled and argued, they still found a way around the problems. Kirsch stayed over at Laura´s place most of the nights that Danny was out of town for whatever team-thing she had. He still does sometimes. Kirsch even had a permanent folding bed in her dorm for two weeks when Danny was at a training camp three months ago. The other girls on her floor asked about it the first two days, then they just figured that Kirsch was her cousin or something and since he showed no interest towards any of them he was probably gay too.

When he found out about their conclusion he just laughed and flung his arm around Danny's shoulders, pulling her tighter to her side with a puppy smile smeared across his face. Even though Danny tried her best Laura could still see a little twitch in her lips. After that she started to smile more and more around him, like she finally understood that there was no other for her or for him- much to Laura's happiness.

Her friends had been there for her in ways unthinkable. They could easily have left her to deal with herself on her own and not involve themselves in it, but they did over and over again. Which Laura thanked them for every chance she got in the beginning. Until they literally sat her down and told her to stop. Instead they told her to get out and date, which lead to the second stage of her recovery as LaFontaine so gracefully put it. But that stage was everything else than gracefully completed. She got through it though and that's why she is where she is today.

Laura has walked around the block when she ends up standing at the entrance to the restaurant again. It´s five minutes left. So she takes a deep breath and pushes through the door. She walks past the wardrobe since she doesn't have a jacket to check in and gets in line for a table. She fiddles nervously with her phone as she waits for her turn and when she finally gets to the desk it has gone three more minutes.

“Can I help you, Miss?”, the head waiter asks with a well-trained smile that could probably light up the whole room if the lights went out.

“Yes, I have a reservation”, Laura says and tries to discreetly look around to see if she could spot the girl. Which is silly because she has no idea what she looks like.

“I need your name”.

“I think it´s in Lawrence?”, Laura says uncertainly and waits as he flips through the booking journal with names and times written with a neat penmanship. Danny didn't actually tell her what name she booked in, she just gave Laura a time and a place, but it's more likely that she used her own name- considering she has made such an effort to keep quiet about the other girl it's unlikely she would use any of their names.

“Your company hasn't arrived yet. Would you like to see your table or wait?”.

Laura looks around, but the only ones standing at the wardrobe is an older couple. Maybe she´s a little late. Or just on time, it´s still a couple of minutes left.

“I´ll wait. Where´s the bathrooms?”, she asks and is met with another shining smile.

“Around the corner”.

She thanks him and hurries to the bathroom. When she gets into the little, white and bright room with two separate toilets and a row of washbasins in front of three gigantic spotless mirrors she walks right up to one of the sinks. Her hands fall to the marble. It´s cold against her palms. She can feel the gentle flutter in her stomach and her heart increasing in speed.

Why is she nervous. For goodness sake, she tells herself and runs both of her hands through her hair.

Get a grip, she thinks and meets her reflection in the mirror.

“Get a grip, Laura”, she whispers to herself and turns on the water. She washes her hands with ice cold water and then bashes her neck and throat with it as well. She can feel it run down her neck and quickly wipes it dry with a paper towel. Her reflection looks back at her widen pupils and parted lips. “Get a grip, Laura”, she repeats and shrugs her shoulders. She gives her reflection a confident smile and walks towards the door before it fades away.

She barely has the time to close the door behind her before her eye catches the glimpse of a tall blonde standing beside the wardrobe, looking around like she´s searching for someone. Something in Laura just knows that that´s the girl and she makes a mental note to thank Danny. Because this girl is _stunning_. Her hair is up in a neat bun and she´s wearing a pair of black pants and a slim white shirt under a blue blazer. They accidentally look at each other in the same moment and Laura thinks that she can see a little smile on the blonde’s lips before she approaches her.

"You couldn't possibly be Danny Lawrence's friend, could you?", the blonde asks with a soft voice and yep- her smile is contagious. Laura tries to remember how to use words, but instead she only nods and takes the girl's hand when she offers it. “Hi, I'm Betty Spielsdorf”.

“Laura Hollis”.

Good job, you remember your own name, she thinks and smiles back as they move over to the waiter to get their table. She scoffs quietly and yes, she's a bit distracted by the blonde and her warm eyes that are still focused on Laura's face.

“So do you go on this thing often?”, she thanks herself that she's able to say anything in this state. Even though she would have liked it to be something less awkward and forced.

“No, this is my first blind date. I usually want to know who the person I´m having dinner with is”. Laura's stunned by the way she sounds relaxed, every word ring so effortless from her curled lips. But yet again, Laura has never been the one that has any effect on other woman. She's always been the one knocked to the ground by their beauty and not the other way around. Or at least that's what she believes.

“Me too”.

The waiter's still wearing that smile of his when they approach his counter and something in Laura wonders if he doesn't get awful pains after a whole day of smiling like that.

"Lawrence I presume", he says and winks at Laura. Laura swallows a scoff when it hits her tongue, Betty does too by the sound of her coughing well to controlled. "Your table is this way", he says as he picks up two menus. Without waiting for neither of them he sets off into the restaurant and gracefully avoids bumping into the other waiters running around or knocking down the table settings.

“After you”, Laura says and follows as Betty, much like him, zigzags between the tables. When they are seated at their own table in the very back of the room, and the head waiter has left them with the menus and a promise that their waiter for the evening will return in a couple of minutes, Laura allows herself to breathe out. She still feels the slight flutter in her stomach and looking directly at Betty makes it harder to ignore. Betty however looks as calm as ever and looks up from the menu in her hands with a smile playing on her lips.

“So you go to Brown?”, she asks and Laura is about to answer when it hits her and she obviously makes a face because the smile on Bettys lips grows.

“How did you-”.

“I have a friend there who told me about a Laura Hollis who is kicking her ass in her lit class”, Betty explains and lower the menu so that she can look directly at Laura although she still has hers up and hides half of her face behind it.

“You're friends with SJ?”. There´s only one person that Laura knows of that would use those kind of words- mostly because SJ has used them to her face, more than once.

“Well we grew up together so”, Betty says and Laura makes a mental note to try and get some inside information from SJ during their next lecture. It isn't more than fair really, if Betty can get information so can Laura. Laura can feel her shoulders relax from the tension that apparently has been building up and she rests the menu on the table. “How do you like Brown?”.

“It´s okay. Although I think they find some kind of weird pleasure in making us feel like we're drowning”.

“Yeah I know that feeling, I´m doing my third year”.

“Oh, so you´re at Brown too?”. Laura really tries to remember or picture Betty walking the halls of Brown, but the truth is that she has never seen or heard about her before tonight. “Too bad I don't have a friend in that year so I would know something about you”, she says and Betty laughs for a moment. “What have SJ told you about me anyway?”.

Betty wets her lips and meets Laura´s brown eyes with warmth. “A part from you being really cute and could easily pass as the teacher´s pet?”

“I´m not the teacher´s pet!”, Laura´s quick to answer and her voice is a lot higher than before. She is certainly not the teacher's pet; Mrs Callahan just likes her writing. That´s it. She's an interesting woman and reminds Laura of her mother, that´s why they get along so well.

Betty only smiles back at her and Laura wonders because of her look if she said something weird or if there´s actually something on her face. “She did also say that you normally ignore people saying good things about you”, Betty finally says and Laura feels the rush of blood to her cheeks. Of course.

“Guess she was right about that and you being cute”, Betty continues with a slight giggle in her voice and Laura avoids eye contact until she´s sure Betty has turned her eyes to the menu. Only then does she look up and allows herself to look at the blonde. She looks as relaxed as she sounded a moment ago, like if nervousness wasn't a thing for her. It definitely was and is for Laura, but it eases a bit by the second.

There´s a different kind of maturity about her, not one that is painted on or faked, she looks experienced. Laura notices the faded scar on Betty´s right hand, it´s small and barely noticeable, but it´s there and it´s looks old. It´s looks like a shooting star and when Betty pulls the hand up to correct a curl of her hair behind her ear Laura´s able to see the actual stars on her wrist. It´s three small stars on a horizontal line, they look like the constellation of Orion’s belt. She has to ask about that later. Betty looks up from the menu. She has really beautiful eyes, friendly and warm.

Beautiful, Laura's mind simply decides to think of her. Because she is that- _simply_ beautiful. But there´s nothing simple about it. It´s just glowing beauty and it causes Laura´s heart to jump a beat.

She catches herself with staring at the girl and looks away as discreetly as she can, with an absolute noticeable flash of red on her cheeks. She thinks that she can see a smile on Betty´s lips as she lays down her menu.

“So what are you having?”, the girl asks and Laura thinks that she can hear a little smile in her voice too.

“I don't know yet, how about you?”.

“I have no idea what´s good here”.

Laura laughs and frowns as she tries to read the names of some of the dishes in her head. It´s not going that well. “Yeah it´s the last time Danny get to pick the restaurant”, she exhales and looks up again. This time she catches Betty looking at her, with that warmth in her eye. “How do you know Danny by the way?”.

“I dated one of her teammates in high school”, Betty says easily. “So I don't really know her, but I guess we hung out a couple of times and when she and what´s his name-”, Betty does a cute gesture with her hand and then snaps her fingers with a frown like if that will make her remember.

“Kirsch”, Laura fills in with a smile and her voice is light and easy.

“Yeah Kirsch. When they moved here we stumbled upon each other on a Facebook Chat, it was an old thing that someone accidentally opened up again, and she reached out”. As she finishes a new kind of smile finds its way to Betty´s lips and she laughs for a bit before continuing. “I'm starting to believe she only did so she could play matchmaker and put the two of us together”.

“That´s Danny alright”, Laura agrees and takes a sip of the water the head waiter poured for her.

“You´re old friends?”.

“Yeah, we went to the same school and hung out in the same circles”, Laura explains and a feeling of safety fills her at the thought of the redhead. “She´s actually one of my oldest friends”.

“Now when I think about it I remember you”, Betty says and Laura meets her eyes. “You used to go to their games right?”.

“Yeah”. She never missed any of Danny´s games. It was practically law back then.

“I thought so”, Betty says proudly. “It was you and two redheads and one really dark and mysterious girl that seemed to hate being at those things, but she always showed up”. Laura doesn´t react first, or she thinks that she doesn´t. Maybe she does. Because Betty suddenly looks at her with a terrified look in her eyes and then Laura realizes that she´s all tensed up and her hand is wet because of the water she spilled when trying to put down her glass. “Sorry did I say something?”, Betty´s voice is uncertain and Laura feels ashamed.

She shouldn't but she does.

“No, I just... “, she doesn´t really know what to say. How to say it without making it a big deal, which it isn't, because every other date she gotten this far on, without screwing up totally, has ended with her saying it the wrong way. Or the right one. Either way seems to both be the right and the wrong one. Instead of saying anything she takes a deep breath and runs a hand through her hair. With a sigh she decides on the one explanation that is neither wrong or right. “It´s complicated”.

“Oh”, is all Betty says and then she leans back in her chair. She looks at Laura in a way that Laura hasn't seen anyone do. It´s filled with that maturity she saw earlier. Then she smiles a crooked smile with a warm tone in her eye. “She´s the one”.

“Hu?”. Laura actually only makes that sound. This is new. Maybe she did say the right thing this time, the right right thing. However, she doesn't know what happens next or if this means that they are good.

She doesn't dare to believe that just yet.

Betty shrugs her shoulders as if she knows something Laura doesn't and then she laughs and all the tension in Laura´s body slowly releases. “Well there has to be a reason why someone as you are single”, Betty says with a gentle voice. Laura actually smiles. This compliment she expects with a slight flush of red on her cheeks. “How long were you together? If you don't mind me asking”.

“I don't”, Laura´s quick to answer. She wets her lips which evidently have become dry. “One year, eight months and five days”. That number would she be able to pull out in her sleep if she had to, even if it´s something that´s just stored in the back of her mind. Deep down and out of reach for any vital information.

“Oh, that´s a long time”, Betty responds after a puff. “Especially in high school”.

“Felt like a lot longer than that”, Laura admits and slides her index finger over the edge of her glass. That might have something to do with the fact that _they_ never were just friends, even when _they_ were friends _they_ were something much more.

“Why did you end it?”, Betty asks carefully and Laura can't help but smile. A hollow smile.

“ _She_ ended it and I-”, she stops before she ends the sentence. The thought hits her. She hasn't been asked this question before. No one of her friends asked her this because they expected her to tell them why if she knew. Which she didn't and still doesn´t. “I´m not sure why”, Laura says and feels Betty´s curious but still warm gaze on her. “I have an idea but she never really told me why”.

Betty hums but doesn't say anything at first, then she leans forward a bit and attracts Laura's eyes to look at her. “If talking about it makes you uncomfortable we can-”.

“It´s okay, really. I used to feel uncomfortable”, Laura says and she actually believes every single word. All of this is new to her- not just the questions. She feels safe for some reason and it doesn't hurt as much to talk about it. To talk about _her._

“How do you feel now?”.

“Apart from starving?”. She tries to joke and it actually makes Betty smile and she leans back again. “It feels okay”, Laura says more seriously and she believes that too. “Better to get through it now than later”.

“I usually think like that”.

Laura nods and then breathes out before she leans forward to grab her glass. “So, do you have any ex´s I should know about?”, she asks and Betty laughs.

“Depends”, she says and smiles in that adorable way that Laura have noticed by now that she does every now and then, more likely when Laura isn't looking directly at her. “What´s your thoughts on calamari?”.

Laura chokes on her water and looks confused at the other girl. “Excuse me?”.

Betty seems to bite back another laugh as she holds up her menu. Laura looks from Betty to the menu and back at Betty who is now seriously biting her lip. It's not adorable and it brings a slight tug to Laura's stomach.

This girl has more sides of her than Laura possibly could imagine.

“I was thinking that we should order before I start telling you the story of the girls that broken my heart in the past and used it as a softball”, Betty says and Laura has to wipe her chin with her napkin before she is able to answer because not has Betty only made her spill her water, now she has made her spit it out too. Her eyes are still on Betty and they sometimes fall down to that lip that's still caught between her teeth.

“I'm all in for calamari”, her voice has dropped a level or two and she thinks that Betty notices it because she nods and then closes her menu with a smirk filling up her lips.

“Great”. Betty waves over waiter that Laura had not noticed was standing a few feet away, waiting to take their order.

Betty's charismatic, funny, intelligent, ambitious and a true believer of second chances. That's what two hours of talking makes Laura understand about the blonde. She might even be chattier than Laura, which is more than fine because it makes it impossible for any awkward silence to find its way to their table. Betty tells her about her last girlfriend, the one that Betty originally moved here to attend Brown with, but found cheating on her with one of their classmates.

Laura can't help but think that she's grateful that she has never had to get through anything like that.

Betty also tells her that she forgave her ex and they stayed together for three months after she found out about her slip, as she apparently had called it, but then broke it off when she realized that she didn't trust her anymore. Laura doesn't say much when Betty talks about her, but afterwards she tells her that she thinks that she was brave for staying even though it must have been very hurtful. Betty responds by saying that it did hurt like a bitch and that she wasn't brave, she was stupid, but she still believes that everyone can make mistakes.

Hers was to stay when she knew better.

Laura hides her twitching lips behind her hand at that point because, even though she doesn't think of it, her body still remembers how much a certain mistake hurts her.

Betty changes the subject smoothly and gets her talking about her family and friends, which lightens the tension and she is laughing her guts out a second later. She likes Betty, that she can't deny. Not just because she talked so easily about things and makes Laura feel that way too, but also because of how she looks at Laura. Her eyes are so full of light and warmth and they look at Laura like she's a masterpiece. Which under other circumstances would scare Laura, but now it only makes her feel appreciated and valued. She hasn't felt like that for a while and it's definitely a feeling she can get used to.

They leave the table after Betty has literally fought Laura for the bill- they settled on Betty paying for the dinner and Laura tipping the waiter. Neither of them has checked anything in at the wardrobe so they head out of the restaurant after exchanging a polite and shining smile with the head waiter. Betty holds the door open for Laura and lets her out first, then follows as Laura walks towards the parking lot with very slow and short steps. It's actually ridiculous how slow she's walking. They don't say anything but shares a couple of glances while smiling and Laura can feel Betty's arm graze hers for a moment before they reach her car.

Laura turns around to face Betty. They just look at each other and then giggle. This is definitely a new situation for Laura and she isn't sure that she wants it to end, or the night for that matter.

“So”, the blonde says with a half-smile with turns into her biting down on her lip. Laura can feel the tug in her stomach again and can't hold back a smile of her own.

“So”, Laura repeats and meets Betty's intense eyes. They are a bit glassy, but that's what happens after sharing two bottles of wine and an Irish Coffee. Laura can feel the effects of the alcohol running in her veins and she has to bite back a silly laugh that lingers on the tip of her tongue.

“I know that this is only a first date and we barely know one another but...”, Betty stops in the middle of the sentence and Laura looks confused at her. Betty's still biting her lip and that is a bit distracting, but Laura manages to find a way around that.

“But what?”, she asks and it follows by a giggle.

Okay, she's a bit tipsy. But it's not just that. Betty makes her feel this lightless, like if she's removed some of the heaviness hovering over Laura, and it makes it almost impossible for Laura not do smile or just simply feel happy in this moment.

Betty looks at her quietly and then takes a step closer. Her hand is definitely brushing against Laura's and a slight shiver wanders up through it, bringing the hair on Laura's arm to rise. Betty wets her lips under Laura's gaze and then smiles adorably. “Can I kiss you?”, she asks with a whisper.

This, this isn't even worth explaining in words. Which is the thing that Laura doesn't have.

She can't speak and Betty looks patiently at her, but her eyes are searching for an answer in Laura's. She hadn't thought of this, at all. The thought that she might end up kissing Betty at the end of the night hadn't crossed her mind, mostly because she was enjoying herself that much and had no time to think of it. Which is good. Really good. It means that she wasn't worrying or expecting this to happen. But it is and Betty shifts forward with a question sweeping through her gaze. Laura says nothing, she can't, but her body does. She shifts forward and leans back her head to meet Betty. She sees the small and cute smile on Betty's lips before they brush against her own. Laura takes in a ragged breath the moment before she leans forward and presses her lips harder to Betty's. Her lips are soft, warm and are stained with the taste of coffee. It's nice. Really nice. Betty doesn't try to deepen the kiss, but she places another one on Laura's mouth before stepping back. Laura has to remind herself to open her eyes and when she does she's met by Betty's warm gaze. Her cheeks are flushed and there's something gentle over her.

“So”, Laura says followed by a laugh.

“So”, Betty repeats and they both laugh. If there's any tension left in Laura's body it's released with that laugh and she feels a flutter in her chest when they stop. Betty cups her own neck with one hand and looks at her with another flush of red on her cheeks. “Do I get to see you again?”.

Laura feels the flutter in her chest again and the rate of her heart.

This is definitely something she can get used to.

She nods.

“Yeah, I think that sounds good”.

“Are you free on Friday? I know an Italian restaurant not far from campus. I could pick you up at seven?”.

“Okay”.

They end up just looking at each other again. Laura bites her lip and watches Betty's eye fall down to see it, then she takes one step closer and reaches for Laura's neck.

“I´m sorry but I have to kiss you again if that´s okay”, she says and moves closer, but she waits for Laura to lean in before she does too and Laura backs up against the side of the car. It's cold against her back, but that feeling is erased as Betty's nails scratch the back of her neck and deepens the kiss with pressure and tongue. Laura can feel the taste of coffee more distinctly on the tip of her tongue and a light hum grows in the back of her throat. Betty smiles against her lips and kisses her gently before she leans back. Laura lets go of her waist, which she apparently had grabbed, and lets her weight fall back against the car.

"I'll call you", Betty says and turns to walk away.

“Betty”.

“Yes?”, she says and turns her head to Laura who's wearing an old expression on her face- one she hasn't worn for years. Her eyes are darker now and the smirk filling up her lips are teasingly mysterious.

“You don't have to ask permission to kiss me _every_ time. I like you already”, she says and her voice is a couple of levels lower than usual. Betty laughs quietly and nods. When they lock eyes again she looks at Laura with so much emotion it literally makes Laura's knees shiver for a split second.

“Goodnight Laura”.

“Goodnight Betty”.

Laura watches her walk away and stays there, leaning against her car for another ten minutes before she gets in and drives out of the parking lot. When she stops at a red light her eyes wander up to the rear-view mirror and she finds herself smiling. She hopes that Betty doesn't wait until next week to call.

 

//

 

“So when are you guys coming anyway?”.

_“What? Haven't you gotten the place all fixed already? I won't sleep on a mattress on the floor again Carmilla!”._

“Shut up. I asked because I was wondering if you wanted dinner when you arrive or if we´re going out”.

 _“I don't know, whatever is fine”._ Carmilla bites back a laugh when Karin voice speaks over Will´s. _“Does my vote count?”._ She can hear Will scoff. _“No”,_ he answers and Carmilla hears the happiness in his voice. Nobody has ever loved anyone as much as Will loves Karin. She can hear it in his voice and in the way he doesn't talk sometimes too, it´s just there. Always. _“You know what, I think we'll all be a bit tired after all the driving and so on and by the way Karin´s parents doesn´t have good beds either so I haven't been sleeping for the last week. Just a kind reminder. So if you don't mind-”._

Carmilla cuts him off with a smile playing on her lips. “I don´t. I´ll get something, any suggestions?”.

_“Not fish! That´s all I ask for”._

“So you´ve been forced to eat fish ha?”, she can't help but laugh at the thought of Will voluntarily eating anything else than a bloody steak. With the occasional fried chicken. They share that love for good meat- which for Will doesn´t include any kind of seafood.

 _“It´s cheap”,_ he says with a bitter tone. _“Don't ever have a kid, they cost a fortune”._ This is a recurring subject. Apparently being a college student and parent doesn´t add up. Neither Will or Karen have accepted the help they been offered from their parents when it comes to economic support. Sure, Will´s still pretty much a momma's boy, but after he moved in with Karen he stopped being just that. Much to Carmilla´s joy and their mother´s dread. Will ignored the latter for several months, but he had to face her once she paid a surprise visit- on the way back home she stopped by at Carmilla´s. That was quite an experience. That along with many other things had made Carmilla postpone becoming a mother herself.

“No worries, I don't plan on it. Never have, never will”, she answers. It´s true, kids have never been her thing. Which have and will keep on driving their mother insane, she has on more than one occasion tried to bribe Carmilla into consider having a baby- she doesn't want to think of what that will lead to in the future. Only problem was, still is, that she was still single, still in college and still not interested in having a screaming little mini-me. Which always end up being the arguments that end her mother´s attempts to change her mind.

 _“That will change”,_ Will says with a low voice. He if anyone should know. Still, she wasn't her brother.

“If it does I´ll just kidnap Luna”.

 _“Deal”,_ he is quick to answer. _“Did you hear that Luns, your aunt will kidnap you and probably turn you into some artistic little wonder child and make you earn her the fortune I owe because of you”._

Carmilla laughs and in the background she can hear a little child laughing too. Her chest aches- she hasn't seen Luna in three months. It´s been too long. Will keeps her updated with daily pictures and short videos of her progress, but it always surprises her how much bigger Luna gets with the months that passes. Seeing her in pictures doesn't really make up for holding her in her arms or watch her curious eyes try and take in the greatness of the world. She still remembers how tiny she was at the hospital. How beautiful she was already, just a little baby new to this world. Carmilla had never seen anything as amazing and mesmerizing as Luna.

Or, so she told herself. In reality she had once seen such pure and innocent beauty in one other person. But that was a long time ago.

“Drive safe”, she tells Will and she can picture him smiling in that grown up way that only he can.

_“Always. See you tomorrow sis”._

“Bye”.

Carmilla puts down her phone and sighs. She really misses her brother too. Even though she goes to visit them every chance she gets, it´s never enough. It´s always just one more day. Just one more hour. But she doesn't have that time. If she did she would probably just end up living in their guestroom for the rest of her life- or just as long as Luna keeps reminding her to smile without a word, which is always. One look at that girl and Carmilla has forgotten all about her problems, exams, plans, wrongs, flaws and disbeliefs. Luna could just be the cure to her doubting heart. To say that she adores that little bundle of cuteness with chubby cheeks is an understatement. Carmilla adores the fall. She adores the feeling of freedom. But Luna, that perfect girl, is something else. She doesn't adore Luna. Carmilla loves Luna with every little piece that is left of her heart. She fell in love with that girl at first sight and could feel the effects as soon as Luna clutched to her thumb with her small hand. She was as much of a pleasing to Will and Karen as she was to Carmilla, in more ways than one.

Carmilla can see the future in Luna´s eyes, like a reflection in a pond when it’s perfectly still and it doesn't look that terrifying anymore.

She stands and paces through the room for a while. It´s a normal Tuesday, with the rare exception that she is free tomorrow. The hall is quiet and so is her room. She needs to do something, anything. She grabs her jacket and heads out. Her windy Chicago doesn't disappoint, it´s windy and perfectly cold under a clouded sky. She walks straight towards the bar at the end of the street, it might just be eight o'clock but she can't spend another night drowning in her books. She needs a night off. Or just a moment away from her room and that air that is filled with her many sighs and yawns. A second to breathe and not think.

She has been good this last couple of months. Her grades are better than ever and she actually knows the name of the other girls on her floor. She hasn't had to patch herself up or stumbled into her room in the dark at the middle of the night. She has spoken to her mother more than she likes to think of- she still tries to convince Carmilla that moving back home is a good idea.

She still doesn't agree, but she has stopped arguing back because she has noticed that her mother just ignores her anyway, so she lets her ramble and then smoothly changes the subject. A safe bet is to ask about how her company is going.

She can actually look herself in the mirror and smile proudly most days, when she´s not too pressured with due dates and exams. She enters the smoky bar that she only started going to after this past Christmas- her old go-to places isn't really known for being relaxed or good places to visit when you just want to grab a drink. She hasn´t been to those places since late November eighteen months ago around the time Will visited. One might even say that she has grown up, which wasn't her plan but with her getting her life back on track she found herself enjoying the fact that she was done with being her old self. The old new self really. The Carmilla Karnstein she used to be in high school still payed a visit, mostly in her dreams or at a random college party, but she stays quiet most times and lets the new version of Carmilla take the wheel.

This hasn't gone unnoticed.

Over the last year has Carmilla got in contact with both Danny and Perry, LaFontaine said hi once over the phone in their harsh and appreciated way. Carmilla even meet Kirsch and Danny, ever so swiftly the last time she visited Will and Karen- Danny had apparently drags Kirsch across country on one of her training things, something that was out of the ordinary according to Will. By the most part has their encounters and talks been polite and a bit of tiptoeing around the subject of the one no one has yet mentioned by name. Carmilla thinks they don't say _her_ name out of respect for Carmilla, but deep down she knows that they would like to smear it in her face every chance they get. Especially LaFontaine- that´s way Perry has been the one talking to Carmilla and not them.

How they ended up getting back in contact with each other is obscure, but Carmilla knows that it has something to do with Will. It has to be because of him really, no one else knows all of her old friends as well as she did and can manage to get them to give her a second chance. Which she knows she doesn't really deserve, but she is still grateful that she´s been given one. She misses them, all of them. Even Kirsch and his comments, Danny and her bitching, Perry with her curiosity and LaFontaine with their harsh way of telling her that she´s too much trouble.

She misses them all and the way they once used to be friends, even if most of them loved Laura more than they ever did Carmilla. That´s why _she_ got them when they broke up. It´s one reason anyway. Carmilla couldn't deal with having them in her life when she knew that Laura wouldn´t be a part of it- they were just too much of Laura, too many memories were shared among them and with them with Laura in the picture.

That hasn't changed, but she has.

She´s still amazed when she reads anyone of their caller names on her phone, but it doesn't shake her as it did in the beginning. Now, she´s just content with those feelings that race towards the surface at the sight of their names. She reckons that she'll always feel like that and that´s okay.

They are all a part of a wound that won't ever completely close.

She places herself on one of the bar stools and fingers on a left behind napkin while the bartender finishes up serving a couple further down from where she´s sitting. A smile sweeps over his face when he looks up and notices Carmilla, he then frowns and Carmilla bites back a laugh. He walks over to her, slowly, and swipes the napkin out of her hand.

“Single malt, straight up please”, she says and pulls up her phone again. She could actually check if her floor don would be up for a drink, they haven't hung out for a long time and she´s one of the girls that Carmilla more than just stands being around.

“Alone tonight hu?”, he answers and turns to get a glass on the shelf behind him.

“You ask me that every time José”.

He laughs and grabs a bottle somewhere behind the counter out of Carmilla´s sight. “You know there´s something seriously wrong with a beautiful woman drinking alone”.

“Is it?”. He gives her a look and she just laughs. “I quite like it”, she says and he shakes his head with a doubtful smile, he serves her and Carmilla knows that he´s joking. It´s a part of their thing by now. “Thank you”.

“No worries, have good one Carmilla”, he says and winks before he returns to the other end of the bar to serve another guest.

Carmilla texts her floor don, she gets a reply before she has time to put her phone down. Apparently she has to study. Carmilla sighs and takes a sip of her drink. She considers calling her mother, but that idea leaves her mind pretty quickly when she remembers that she still hasn't given her an answer to why she turned down that job- the one her mother set up for her. Carmilla just couldn´t get into that discussion again. Yes, it was a great job and everything seemed nice, but it wasn't an option for her at the moment. Carmilla hasn't decided on if she'll stay home in Chicago over the summer break or if she would try and get a job in LA, by doing that she'd be closer to Will and Karen and Luna. That option was more tempting than anything her mother could come up with. She had grown fond of LA, for whatever reason, even before they got Luna. When they did she just had more of a reason to spend more time there. Which of course made her mother question why she rather spends time in there instead of coming home. Carmilla hoped that Will would help her and try and explain to their mother why that was. She had to get it over with at some point anyway.

She doesn't notice the fact that someone has taken the stool next to her. Nor does she notice them looking at her for longer than you normally do before they turn and wave over José. She does however react when José is standing in front of her again and she wonders if he´s here for her, but then her eyes catches the glimpse of someone at her side. It´s a blonde girl in a tight black dress and Carmilla´s eyes unwillingly fall down the girl´s bare legs.

“Gin and tonic”, she hears the girl say with a soft voice and she jerks her head up again. She catches José look at her for a moment before he turns to get the girl´s order. Carmilla swallows hard and wrinkles her nose at him. The girl turns and when her eyes fall on Carmilla, Carmilla relaxes and she can feel the twitch in the corner of her lips before she smiles a half smile. The girl replicates her smile while her eyes flicker up to Carmilla’s eyes. She seems to find something interesting in them, because her smile grows by the second and then she leans in with a much more intense look.

“You seem to have a lot to tell”, the girl says and Carmilla chuckles. José returns and places a glass in front of the girl with a smile.

“Really? How come?”, she replies with a distinct feeling in her chest that sails down to settle somewhere in her stomach.

“It´s your eyes”, the girl says. “They're so dark. It almost looks like they're wells filled with the experience of a dozen lifetimes”.

Carmilla actually feels her cheeks turn a shade redder. But she keeps her face steady and calm. Then she smiles a half smile.

“Are you flirting with me?”, she asks. The girl returns her smile and licks her lips very unsubtle and Carmilla's eyes is drawn to them. She's wearing red lipstick and it matches beautifully to her skin.

“Well if I was”, the girl responds and leans in closer. “Is it working?”, she asks with a whisper in Carmilla´s ear. A smirk fills Carmilla´s lips as the girl leans back again. They both look at each other. Nothing has to be said. Carmilla just knows it.

So she allows herself to not think about anything else than what's right here and now.

She shakes her head with a serious look and the girl plays with a curl of her hair with her fingers. Carmilla can't help but wonder what that confidence comes from, it reminds her of herself and what she used to do before she _changed_. But this girl isn't wearing sex as Carmilla did- which is both intriguing and confusing. Which is the perfect combination to get Carmilla's interest.

"So, what's the story behind those gorgeous eyes anyway?", the girl asks as she puts down her gin and tonic after sipping on it once or twice. Carmilla didn't count, she was occupied with looking at her lips as they meet the glass. But it was definitely more than once. The edge of the glass is now stained with red lipstick.

"If I told you I would lose my air of mystery, wouldn't I", Carmilla answers with that smirk still on her lips. She glances down to the girl's hand laying on the counter next to them beside her glass. She does it without thinking and then her body just does what it does. Her fingers trace up the girl's to her wrist and she pulls her closer by her arm. "And I don't think you'd like that, sweetheart", she murmurs close to her face and the girl blushes oh ever so slightly before she leans back, fingers now laced together with Carmilla's. She squeezes Carmilla´s fingers before looking at her again.

"I'm Elsie", she says with that sweet voice and fires a smile at Carmilla´s direction. Carmilla can't ignore the tug in her stomach that wanders up to her chest and down between her legs, but it fades away and turns into a dull feeling. Something she hasn't felt for years.

"Carmilla".

Her eyes are glowing and the girl in front of her smiles in that way that Carmilla can´t resist, then she lifts her hand and tries to call over the bartender.

Carmilla buys the drinks for the rest of the night. She alternates between whisky and water- she has actually taken her brothers advice on that one. While Elsie keeps on downing gin and tonic, however she doesn´t seem to be a lightweight because her speech is steady and her eyes stay clear until the last round. Elsie is intriguing, not just by her looks, and it brings a smile to Carmilla's lips more times than she would like to admit. Elsie is a graduate and co-owns her own company with another girl a couple of blocks from here. Carmilla doesn't recognize the name but promises to come by and check it out as soon as she can- she plans on keeping that promise. Time flies and before they know it the sky has turned dark and is light up by a full moon and countless of stars. It´s a beautiful night. One of those that Carmilla normally spend sitting in the sill of her window, looking at the darkness and its beauty. Elise offers to walk Carmilla home, who leaves out that it´s just down the street, so when she stops without a word Elise almost stumbles over herself. Carmilla swallows a laugh, but her lips are curled into a goofy expression. Elise gives her an amused look and stands straight.

“So this is where you live?”, she asks and eyes the building.

“Yup. Second floor if you'd like to know”.

“I do. Now I know where to come looking for you”. A tug pulls at Carmilla´s heart and she looks at Elsie with eyes dark as the night. “If you don't keep your promise, I mean”, the blonde adds with a playful smirk.

“I keep my promises”, Carmilla says. At least she has the last year or so, it was the first thing she started with after Will came to visit. It was a start and after she stopped promising things she didn't plan on fulfilling the promises she kept meant something- the first one was to stop sleeping around. That one she made for herself and the slight fear of getting too deep down that rabbit hole. Although, Will agreed that it was a good way to start.

Elsie sways towards her, there´s something in her eyes, something Carmilla has seen before, something she used to live with. She allows the blonde to come even closer and then they're standing inches apart. Carmilla doesn´t move by choice, she wishes to know what goes on in that girl´s mind right now and what she plans on doing before she does anything. Because she can see it in her eyes- she is about to do something.

And she does.

Elsie looks up from the ground she so eagerly looked down to a moment before and her eyes instantly find Carmilla´s. “I want you to know that I normally don't kiss on the first date b-”.

Carmilla stops her by pushing forward, connecting their mouths in one motion and the rest of Elsie´s sentence is suppressed between their lips. Carmilla lets her hand travel up the girl's neck and intertwines her fingers in the those shining curls. She can feel Elsie grab her arms and dig her nails into her jacket. Carmilla smiles into the kiss before she pulls away.

“Well this wasn't a date”, she says and Elsie looks at her with wide eyes before she smiles too.

“Suppose not”.

“But I would like to take you out on one”, Carmilla says that without thinking. It just happens and really, it doesn't bother her. It wouldn't be terrible to spend some more time with Elsie. “If you want to”.

Elsie looks at her with deep intensity before she shrugs. “That might work”.

“Might work?”, Carmilla repeats with a frown.

Elsie nods nonchalant. “Yes”.

Carmilla bites her lip. This is so not how she thought her night would end and she´s enjoying every single second of it. “Mind saying that again”, she whispers as she moves closer and reaches for the girl's neck to cup it with one hand, the other she places on her hip.

“That _might_ work”, Elsie responds with a smuged face. Carmilla kisses her again, this time much harder and deeper. Elsie hums in the back of her throat and her arms find their way to Carmilla´s neck. A familiar and missed shiver runs through Carmilla´s body. The last time she kissed someone like this, without wanting anything out of it, she was still intoxicated by that one thing that everyone strives for- love. It's been a lifetime since then. Carmilla ends the kiss with a soft one and then leans her head back. “Okay, maybe a bit more than might”, Elsie lets out with a warm breath.

“You're getting there”, Carmilla says with a light voice.

“Yeah?”.

“Yeah”. Elsie kisses her again and it´s her time to drown noises of pleasure between them. She can taste gin and tonic on the tip of her tongue, but it´s far from as good as the taste of Elsie when she bites down on Carmilla´s lip. God this girl is going to drive her nuts and she is ready to embrace it after just four hours of talking.

She breaks loose and takes a step back. They are both smiling and there´s something else too, something Carmilla wants to get to know. “Can I get your number? Or am I supposed to guess what it is”, she says and she actually hopes for Elsie to give it to her. She has really grown an interest in this girl.

Elsie just shakes her head and extends her hand. Carmilla pulls out her phone and opens up a new contact, the light from the screen is bright and lights up Elsie´s face after she has given her the phone. When she´s done she takes the few small steps there´s between them and hands Carmilla´s phone back to her.

"You better call me, _Carmilla_ ", she says in a deep voice and then turns on her heels.

Carmilla shakes her head and laughs with one hand running through her hair. What the freaking hell was that, she wonders as the girl turns around with a playful smile on her lips. Carmilla´s heart pounds hard in her chest and she laughs once again. She stays put where Elsie left her for another five minutes before she drags herself towards the building.

Whatever that was, she wants more of it.

 


	6. Looking to the future

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _For once I’m at peace with myself_   
>  _I’ve been burdened with blame, trapped in the past for too long_   
>  _I’m movin’ on_   
>  _\- I’m moving on (Rascall Flatts)_

Laura's standing just outside the door. It´s wide open. The hallway is empty and quiet, apart from the rattling sound of the ventilation, which should have been replaced months ago, but was delayed because of reasons unknown. Not that it mattered to her, especially not now.

She´s smiling, looking even more stunning than ever before. She is wearing that white blouse she bought the week before. It highlights her sun kissed skin and matches beautifully to her high cut jeans.

She doesn't know how long she´s been standing there.

Maybe ten minutes?

It doesn't matter, she got all the time in the world and she wants to take in this moment. It´s her last day in this dorm, in this part of town, in this stage of her life. She´s moving on. School is finally over, for good. She got her degree and has been offered multiples of jobs. She only has to pick one. But today, right now, all she needs to do is leave. Pack up the rest of her things and return her key to dorm 307.

I'm done, she thinks and that smile on her lips grows larger.

If Betty could see her right now, she would just laugh at how silly she looks. Maybe she is. And that's okay. Because she is done and ready to leave everything and every moment she'd spent between these walls.

It´s bittersweet though, that she can admit.

She takes a short step over the threshold, still her hand resting on the door frame. She breathes in the smell of citrus scented softener and the small hints of perfume lingering on in the air just as it had between the sheets and on her pillow that she packed away yesterday.

It´s a weird feeling doing this. She could have done it a year ago when she more or less moved in with Betty, but she kept her dorm and stayed over at Betty´s those nights when she didn't have morning classes the next day. Still, Betty´s apartment had become more of their place and her dorm less where she actually lived.

She finally lets go of the door frame and lets her hand follow the edge of the desk. The amount of hours she has spent at this desk over the last couple of years is ridiculous to think about, but of course she ends up doing that exact thing and it puts a stupid smile on her face. Honestly, she´s been smiling for the last week. Every single itty bit of the pressure she has been under has slowly been released over the last month or so. Which makes it so much easier to just relax and be happy. A metallic sound wakes her up and she looks down to see that her hand has grazed over the metal edge in the corner of the desk. The sound came from that metal meeting the one around her finger. Her ring finger. Her engagement ring. Once again her lips form a stupid smile and it spreads through her whole body, making that flutter in her stomach wake.

Yeah, she´s still getting used to that. To being engaged. To being Betty´s girlfriend really.

She loves her. Wholeheartedly. Totally and endlessly. She is so in love with that woman it´s almost scary. Just almost. That´s one reason why you said yes. It wasn't meant to prove anything, even though Danny had asked if that was the case, it was just an act of love- from both of their sides. Danny had been sceptic about it for a long time and in pretty much every conversation they had did she end up asking if Laura was sure, if she was really really sure that this was the right thing.

This didn't come out of the blue.

The memory of Danny sitting beside her, shaking and pulling at her own hands nervously, can still play on her mind when she least expects it. It isn't a haunting memory, just a memory. Something that reminds her to appreciate Betty for what she is, for what she has done and not done to her. For what she has been and promised to be in the future. That means more than what Danny could ever have told her. It's ironic really. Danny was the one who pushed Laura into dating Betty and then she ended up being the one to bring up the past. A past that became very much present for a moment.

Laura sighs with a smile in the corner of her mouth. She's not angry anymore. Maybe it's true- time heals all wounds. In that case she's all healed up now. When she looks around the room seems so naked, just as it was when she moved in, everything has been packed down already. It's only one box left on the floor next to the bed. It's a mixed feeling that lingers in the air, it's both joy and sadness. She has so many good memories here, so many laughs, smiles and a lot of kisses has been shared within these walls. There's also a lot of pain, panic stained tears, restless nights and empty words. Her best years and the worst has passed while she lived here. And now all of that is over. She's done with all of that.

Laura grabs the box and turns back to the door. She stops for a moment and looks back again. It's like she's whispering a silent goodbye. She supports the heavy box on her knee when she locks the door and then heads for the flor dons room. She slides the envelope with the key inside and her name written in big red letters on the cover under the door.

It's that easy to leave everything.

When she gets out to her car the box is a lot heavier in her arms and the edges cut into her hands. It contains most of her books that she kept over the years, a lot from before she even got into college. It's her thing really- books. It's because if one person that she got so interested in books and actually reading them for fun. It's her escape from the world. Laura closes the trunk and leans back against the car with her elbows propped up on the trunk. A lot has happened since she last stood like this, back then didn't she think that she would make it, that she'd be able to get through even the first year. She did.

The sunlight caresses her face and has done so for a couple of weeks, the small freckles on her nose are more evident now and in the sunlight it's impossible to miss them. The air smells of new, of old of reborn beautiful. She breathes in slowly and deep, takes in the last of this moment.

It´s time, she thinks and opens her eyes.

She takes a right and drives down the garage to her assigned parking space. Her parking space. She tries to say it, but nothing comes out. It´s still really. This is more of a home to her than her dorm ever was. This building itself contains so many memories, stolen kisses in the elevator, soft words whispered against perfumed stained skin and a proposal made on one knee. So many memories.

With more to come.

Laura gets out of the elevator on level fourteen with the box in her arms, keys dangling on her index finger and her mobile sticking out of her back pocket. With a lot of struggle she manages to get the door unlocked and knocks it open with a light kick with the knee. The apartment smells differently than outside or her dorm, or _old_ dorm, it´s a warmer and cosier smell. It smells like home, like her dad´s home, the one she grew up in, the one she sometimes dreams of. She puts the box down next to the door to the office. On cue her phone starts to make that incredibly annoying sound- thanks to LaFontaine and their instalments. She smiles at the screen when she sees the caller id.

“Hi dad”, she says and goes to lock the door.

 _“Hi honey. Are you all moved in now?”_ , the voice of her dad is familiar and comforting. Also, he sounds older. She doesn't remember the last time they spoke, but it can't be that long ago. Maybe he's just tired. It's been a hectic time for all of them this last time.

“Yes, I just got in with the last of it”.

_“How does it feel?”._

“I don't know. Normal I think? I haven't had time to process it”, she scratches her forehead as she looks around. There´s nothing left to do, a part from unpacking the box but she can't do that without Betty. That girl is more OCD than her and they haven't gotten to moving around the stuff in the office yet, so she leaves it for later.

_“So how´s it going with the invites? Is anyone interesting coming?”._

Laura laughs and sits down in the blue couch and flings her feet up on the table after kicking her shoes off. “Well, you're gonna be there so I'm guessing it´s will be interesting”. The sound of her dad´s laugh is one of the best ones she knows. It can fill the air in a second and her with it. “We are still waiting for a few replies, but it seems like everyone is coming”.

 _“Really?”_ , he answers and sounds genuinely surprised by what she´s said. Which means that he´s thinking of something in particular. Laura sighs with a half-smile, he never just says what he wants to say.

“Just say it, dad”.

 _“Has_ she _replied?”._

Laura takes in a steady breath and leans back against the cushions. The fact that her own father doesn't use _her_ name is both scary and comforting. It could mean a lot more, do a lot more in her, maybe even damage, but she doesn´t allow it to do so. She´s used to talking about _her_ by now, she does that every now and then, when she speaks of the past or things that remind her of it. With her friends, with Betty and to _her_ in her dreams.

“No”, she says and can hear him breathe out on the other end. “Neither has Will, so we don't know if any of them are coming”.

 _“Did you invite any other Karnsteins?”,_ he asks and sounds surprised again, like if there's any other Karnsteins that he should know about. Laura shakes her head before answering.

“No but she- she isn't alone dad”. The line goes quiet for a while and all she can really hear is the sound of her dad´s steady breathing. “Nor is Will, so they could be four coming or none at all. We don't know”.

 _“She'll come”_.

Laura is almost knocked to the floor by his reply and is left breathless for a moment. She frowns and props her left arm up on the side of the couch. Her fingers find their way through her hair that is up in a loose bun.

“Why do you say that?”, she asks and she can almost see her dad shrug his shoulders.

 _“I just know”_ , he says after a while. _“The things you know, you know”._

“I don't think she is”, Laura answers and is met with a laugh.

_“Why?”._

“Why would she? It´s been seven years, dad. I don't think she wants to see me”.

_“Why did you invite her then, if you didn't think she would say yes?”._

“Because I- I hope she wants to see me”, Laura says with an uncertain tone in her voice.

 _“You will honey”,_ he whispers and it feels like he´s here with her, next to her on Betty´s couch, in the apartment that is theirs now.

“I don't know dad”, she breathes out and scratch the side of her skull. Before he has the opportunity to answer a key is turned in the lock and she can hear the click when it unlocks, a moment later the door opens and Betty walks in.

“Hey, I am ho-”, she stops in the middle of the sentence when she sees Laura gesture to the phone in her hand. Betty nods and gets out of her shoes.

_“At least you´ll hear back from her, if I remember she was polite at the very least”._

“To you yeah”, Laura says with a smile. Her dad had always liked Carmilla, even though she was one year older and a whole lot darker than what Laura was back in the day. They complimented each other in that way, Carmilla made Laura heavier and Laura had the ability to make the mysterious girl a bit lighter.

 _“Still, you should hear from them”_.

“Yeah, I think so too”, she agrees and tilts her head as Betty walks up to her and presses a kiss to her temple while whispering a soft hello against her skin. “Dad, Betty just came in”.

_“Say hello from me”._

“He says hello”, Laura passes on to Betty who has made her way to the kitchen island.

“Say hello to him too”, she replies smiling.

“She says hello”.

_“Ask how she´s doing”._

“He wants to know how you're doing”, Laura says and turns in her seat so that she can look directly at Betty. Betty frowns with another smile as she unpacks the bag with grocery that she carried.

“I´m fine, a lot at work and planning the wedding is a lot too but fun. A bit stressful you know. How is he doing?”. Laura just looks at her and then gets up and out of the couch.

“You know what, I´m not being the middle person in this, you two can talk to each other. _Directly_ to each other”, she says and hands Betty her phone. She is met with another shining smile and Betty sneaks in a kiss before turning the phone to her ear.

“Hi Mr Hollis”, she greets Laura´s dad and Laura laughs quietly as she takes on unpacking the rest of the grocery. “Yeah yeah, I´ll get around to that someday”, she can hear Betty say with a light voice and Laura knows she´s just been told not to call him Mr.

Laura doesn´t think for a second that Betty will ever stop calling him that.

When Betty return to the kitchen, one phone less and a sneaky smile lingering on her lips, Laura has to stop what she's doing. Betty leans in over the island and looks deep into her eyes. She's so beautiful. So gorgeous it almost hurts looking directly at her.

"What?", Laura whispers when neither of them has said anything for longer than she can take. Betty shakes her head slowly and her eyes falls to Laura's lips. A gentle tug pulls at Laura's chest and she breathes of hot air.

"How did the packing go?", Betty finally asks, still looking at her in that intense way.

"Fine. Everything is done now".

"So- you're all moved in?". Laura wrinkles her nose at that expression and a laughing sweeps through Betty's eyes. Laura nods. "Good. I like that".

"What exactly?", Laura says with a sweet tongue and Betty takes one step to the side, one hand on the counter.

"Knowing that you're here, permanently", the blonde answers and takes another step. "That you're here and you're mine".

"We are not married yet Betty, I'm still my own person", Laura says with a whole lot of sarcasm and Betty bites her bottom lip. "I like it too", Laura whispers when Betty's hand grazes against her own.

Betty doesn't look away and then she's standing close, Laura can feel the heat of her body and the vibrations it causes in her own body. Betty leans down and her lips brush against Laura's temple, down to her jawline and to the corner of her mouth. "I can't wait to be your wife", she murmurs and Laura swallows hard.

"Me too". She breathes in Betty and breathes out again. Their hands lace together on the counter and Laura brings the other one up to Betty's shoulder. "I want nothing else than to be yours, in every way possible", she says every word as it is. As the truth they possess and Betty closes her eyes.

"I love y-".

Laura gets up on her toes and pulls Betty down to connect them. She hums into the kiss and as she does Betty's other hand cup her neck to pull her closer. She tastes of coffee and chapstick. Soft and gentle. She tastes as Betty. Laura's Betty. Laura breaks the kiss and leans back to look at the girl in front of her. When she opens her eyes they are filled with all the words that they do not need to say and Laura breathes out them to caress Betty's face.

"I love you too, Betty", she says and is met by an addictive smile. Betty shakes her head with that smile and tugs at Laura's neck to connect them again.

//

God, she has never been this tired before. She reminds herself to never move. If she does, then they're hiring someone to do all the lifting. Heavy or not, she isn't carrying another box in her life.

“You okay there?”.

Carmilla spins around, her bangs falling down over her eyes. Elsie is standing a couple of feet behind her with an amused look on her face.

“Yeah, just catching my breath”, she says with a lazy smile. The girl puts down the box marked _Luna_ with big red screaming letters on the bureau and walks over to Carmilla. She laughs before gently pulling back her bangs with her fingers, attaching the rebellious curls behind her ear. She then gives Carmilla that heart-breaking smile she´s so viciously proud over and her eyes light up just before she leans in and gives her a deep kiss. Which leaves Carmilla even more breathless.

“Better now”, Elsie teases against her lips and Carmilla grins as her hand grips around the blonde's neck pulling her close. Them both giggle and exchange another kiss before turning to the boxes they carried in. Most of them containing kitchen stuff. Carmilla curses her brother under her still heavy breathing for making her bust her ass for him, for free.

“Remind me to make Will paint our living room”, Carmilla says as she moves another box over to the counter under the still empty cupboards. It's the least he can do after this day of nonstop carrying and sweating.

“If we can agree on a colour that is”. Elsie shoots her a look and Carmilla frowns.

“I liked the last one”.

“Liked or love?”. Carmilla sighs.

“I liked it”.

“But can you see yourself in that room with that colour on the walls?”, Elsie´s particularly persisting with her questions and Carmilla turns so she can look at the her.

“Sweetheart. What´s this about?”.

Elsie puts down the plate she just packed up and meets Carmilla´s eyes, but when she´s about to answer Carmilla interrupts her. “And don't you say that this is about a stupid colour on a wall in an apartment that we're just renovating, because I know that´s not the truth”.

Elsie smiles a bit like she has been caught doing something wrong.

“I´m driving you crazy with this, am I?”, she sighs and Carmilla tries her hardest not to laugh.

“Yes, you have that power over me”. Elsie laughs at that and relaxes.

“Sorry”. Carmilla shakes her head and walks up to her. “I just want it to be perfect”.

“It already is, because you are there”, Carmilla says with a soft voice as she leans in and places a gentle kiss on her girlfriend's lips. “Stop worrying!”. Elsie giggles. “I mean it”.

Carmilla gives her a strict look and a pointing finger. Elsie grins and tugs at her shirt as she presses her lips against Carmilla´s again. They both smile when they hear the sound of something being dropped on the bureau with a thud.

“This was the last of it”, Will says and looks their way. “Oh don't mind me”. They are still standing close, Carmilla with her arms around Elsie's neck and Elsie with her hands on Carmilla's waist. Carmilla shakes her head at her brother, still smiling.

“Shut up. I've been carrying your shit all day, I deserve some private time with my girlfriend”.

“No objections from me”, Will answers and puts up his hands in the air.

“Okay”, Elise says and giggles. “I should move the car”. She gives Carmilla a quick peck on the lips. “Don't kill each other while I'm gone”, she says as she passes Will and gives him a friendly tap on the shoulder while saying it. Carmilla is still smiling when Will turns to look at her again.

“Thank you, for the help I mean”, he says and she runs her hand through her hair. She still isn't very good at taking compliments. It just doesn't suit her, she thinks.

Really, she just thinks the doesn't deserve them.

“Sure, no problem”. Will turns to the box he just put down, he opens it and folds down the edges to have full insight to the content.

“I think this is yours”.

“My what?”, Carmilla asks and turns around since she had gone back to unpacking the kitchen boxes.

“This box”, Will says and lifts up some books. “I don't recognize anything in it”.

“Let me see, it could be one of those that I put away at your house when I moved in with Elsie”. Carmilla leaves the counter and walks over to the bureau and the box. As her eyes catches the names on some of the book covers, worn out notebooks and scented candles she is thrown back in time.

“Is this your stuff from when you-”, Will can't finish the sentence, partially because he is too fascinated by the content of the box but also because he´s not sure how Carmilla will react to this discovery.

“Yeah”, Carmilla breathes out. “It is”. She´s actually surprised by how she doesn´t feel anything at all. It´s not that she isn't stunned by it or really by finding these things. But she´s more content with how they once made her feel and how she maybe even expected to feel now too. Still, she doesn't feel anything. She just, sighs. But the silence that occurred is interrupted by the sound of clumsy feet trying to run over slippery parquet floor.

“Carmilla!”, the young girl shouts and both Will and Carmilla turn to see what the fuss is about. Luna, a girl dressed in blue top and a white skirt, blonde hair and wide happy eyes runs towards them.

“Hi honey”, Carmilla says and gives the girl a warm hug as she approaches. Will looks down at the little one and the smile on his lips is priceless. His eyes wander to the doors, he blows out air and the dark curls of his hair dance on his face but he has to run a hand through his hair to get rid of them from his eyes. He shoots a look to Carmilla before he leans in and whispers.

“Can you keep an eye on her?”.

Carmilla nods.

“Sweetie, stay here with Carmilla”.

Will bends down and places a soft kiss on the girl's head, then he heads out the door to the backside of the house. Carmilla looks his way, but turns her attention to the girl at her side when he disappears around the corner.

“Do you want to help me look through this?”.

Luna nods excitedly as Carmilla lifts up the box and sets it down next to the child. They sort out most of the things, which Carmilla continues to smile about. The box contains mostly books, which isn't much of a surprise. Carmilla used to read a lot, still does, so it´s almost a bit of a nostalgic feeling to read the covers of the novels that in a way saved her all those years ago. But when she picks up one particular book, Anthem to be exact, she flips through the pages and the book opens at page 139 and the time is put on hold. A picture has been pressed in between the two pages. That picture. That one she put away after she made sure that Laura and she had no future together, that night when Danny confirmed that Laura believed their lie. Carmilla leans back on her heels, her legs are folded under her weight. She is still smiling, but this is the remains of an old smile.

Old love even.

"Seven years", Carmilla says under her breath and laughs quietly.

“Who´s that?”, Luna asks as her eyes falls on the picture. Carmilla´s lips form a half smile as the many memories rolls through her mind. Luna pulls impatiently at the hem of her shirt. Carmilla looks down at the blonde girl with pitch dark eyes. A mixture of the brightest light and the darkest dark.

There must be something poetic about that, Carmilla thinks and meets those wide eyes.

“She is someone I knew a long time ago”.

Luna inspects the picture thoroughly before her eyes locks on one of the girl's in the picture. The one that isn't Carmilla.

“Did you love her?”, Luna asks with that cute little voice of hers. How she with the few years she has lived can make out within less than a minute that Carmilla looks different in that picture than what she does normally will Carmilla never understand. Luna has that ability- which Carmilla guesses will be interesting in the future.

“Yes”.

“As much as you love aunt Elsie?”.

Carmilla swallows back a laugh while thinking that this little girl is well to curious for her own good and the real gem to her heart. She pulls Luna closer to her and then points at the picture, at Laura.

“I don't know her anymore", she says and then let's the tip of her finger caress the surface of the photo. She then she looks up at Luna again. "I love your aunt Elsie more than anything in this world”. Carmilla wets her lips before she continues. “Do you know what a soulmate is?”, she asks the little girl who answers by shaking her head so jolly that her ponytail brushes up against Carmilla´s face. “It´s a person that you feel connected to in ways that nobody else has or will connect to you. It's somebody that you will never forget and always love”.

Luna thinks for a moment, while biting her lip in that way that Carmilla knows that she does too. It's a Karnstein thing- even though always tries and argue that he doesn't bite his lip that way too. She then looks up to meet Carmilla´s eyes again.

“Like mommy and daddy?”.

Carmilla´s heart ache out of love for the little bundle of pure cuteness and innocence that is Luna. “Yes, like mommy and daddy”.

“Is that your soulmate?”, Luna then asks and points at the brunette girl in the picture. Carmilla breathes in and then lets out the air.

“Yes, she is”.

“Then why are you not with her”, Luna looks confused at Carmilla. And Carmilla blesses her for being so sweet.

“We could not be together and so we said goodbye. Now I´m with Elsie and she is with someone else too. Sometimes you have to let the person you love free, you just know that they deserve better and are supposed to be something else or with someone else”, Carmilla tries to explain as good as she possibly can without using too big words.

“Like Bunny?”, Luna asks and refers to the little bunny she found in the garden a couple of weeks ago that she kept for a while, but then had to let out into the nature again. She had cried for two whole days and wouldn't let anybody comfort her, but after a while she forgot about it and more or less forgot about being sad all the time. Carmilla thought that it was something about that that just made her love the little girl even more. Although she questioned if that was even possible. It had reminded her of a time she knew would always be a part of who she was and a sadness that she no longer felt pressing on her chest but knew would always surround her heart like a dark blanket.

“Yes, just like Bunny”. Carmilla smiles at Luna and kisses her temple. “We can just be thankful for knowing them and live our lives trying to be the best possible version of ourselves”.

“I understand”, Luna mumbles and slides her finger over the picture. “I wanna have a soul mate too”. Carmilla giggles at that and pulls the girl close to her side.

“You will, one day”, Carmilla whispers and stands. She puts the picture back in the box among the rest of the things that all remind her of a life she once lived and sometimes misses. She then lifts the box and places it on the bureau again.

“When you're old enough”, Carmilla adds and ruffles the girl's hair a bit so that she looks up at her with a grin before pulling her ponytail tighter. Carmilla laughs and steers the girl by her shoulders towards the garden.

“C´mon, let’s see what daddy is up to”.

As they walk out to the porch Carmilla lays eyes on Will trying to put together the swing set for Luna out in the garden. She can also see Karen, Luna´s very beautiful and caring mother, shutting the trunk of her car before walking towards the entrance. Her blond hair reflects in the sunlight and Carmilla smiles.

There´s no doubt in Carmilla's mind that Luna will grow up to become an incredibly winsome and witty woman with Will and Karen as parents.

“Daddy!”, Luna yells and rushes over the lawn towards Will. Will looks over at the child sprinting his way and opens his arms just in time for the girl to jump into them and he lifts a now laughing Luna up in the air.

Carmilla feels two arms sneak up from behind and around her waist. She leans back against the familiar chest and Elsie rests her chin against Carmilla´s shoulder. Carmilla sighs out of relief and tiredness. She feels the soft smile that is Elsie´s against her cheek.

“Can we have one of those someday?”, she whispers.

Carmilla looks over at Luna and she can´t deny the warmth that fills her at the sight of that little girl.

“Someday, cutie”, she says and turns her head so she can look at the girl that holds her heart as much as Carmilla holds hers. “I might even consider having two”

“You are going to regret saying that”, Elsie replies with a playful smile filling up her face.

“I know, but”, Carmilla says and turns in her arms. She folds her own around Elsie´s neck and pulls herself up so their noses brush against each other. Then they kiss and Carmilla almost forgets everything, but as she leans her forehead against Elsie´s she remembers again. “You're worth it”, she whispers and Elsie blushes, but Carmilla doesn't notice it because her eyes are closed.

“I love you”.

“I love you too”, Carmilla answers and gives her a quick kiss on the lips. “I should help Karen, I'll be back soon”. Before letting go she gives her girlfriend another kiss. “Don't go anywhere”.

“You better hurry up then”, Elsie answers with a playful tone and gives Carmilla a naughty look over her shoulder.

Carmilla bites her lip to contain a goofy smirk and walks towards the kitchen where she expects to find Karen. But she stops at the bureau and looks down into the box that's still open. She isn't sure what she should or shouldn't feel about it. There´s so much pain and joy captured in that box. Alone in that picture, that lays at the very top. What she didn't tell Luna before when they talked about Laura was that Carmilla knew who she was with. She had known for quite some time now.

Laura is engaged to be married to the girl she has been together with for the last four years. Carmilla knows this because of Danny, Kirsch, LaFontaine, Perry and Laura herself. Carmilla knows that the invite waits for her on the nightstand back at the apartment. The invite she has not yet responded to. Mainly because she doesn't know what the right thing to do is. She has grown content with what remains of Laura, in her, but that doesn't mean that she's comfortable with it. She is happy know. They are both happy. Why risk bringing everything up to the surface again.

Carmilla with Elsie and Laura with Betty. That´s how things are now.

Carmilla was honest with Luna when she said that Laura was her soulmate and Elsie the love of her life. She has tried to still her mind for years and figure out how both of those women can play such big roles in her life. She has also tried to figure out if she really loves them both, and if that's even possible. The more she has thought about the more she has found out about herself, more than what she believed she could find. The less about how you're supposed to let someone go when they have a permanent place in your heart. A place that Carmilla is incapable to reclaim. And she doesn't want to either. She just wants to love the people in her life and even though Laura hasn't been a part of it for many years, maybe she is ready to be one now.

Maybe they are both ready for that.

Seven years, Carmilla thinks. Seven years and you're still a part of my life. She can picture Laura smiling beside her, nodding as she agrees.

“You still have your ways to crawl in under my skin, cupcake”, Carmilla murmurs as her gaze falls down to the picture that captured the moment when they looked at each other, fingers laced together, sitting by a lake while watching the sunset. “You still have your ways, Laura”. Carmilla smiles, a happy and warm smile, before she shuts the box and leaves it on the bureau before walking into the kitchen.

Hours later, when they are driving back to the hotel, can't Carmilla shake the feeling of wanting to know. Simply just know how _she's_ doing. Of course she knows how _she's_ doing, but it's different knowing it because of what others tell her or if _she_ does. Elsie gives her a peck on the lips before saying that she'll jump in the shower, Carmilla nods absently.

"Wanna come?", Elsie says with a smirk as she leans out if the bathroom. Carmilla jerks her head up to see her- she's only wearing her underwear. Elsie bites her lip and Carmilla can't not feel the tug at her stomach.

"I'll be there in a minute".

Elsie looks disappointed and makes a big show of removing the rest of her clothes as revenge. Carmilla laughs quietly as she takes of her jacket and starts to undress. Soon enough can she hear the sound of the shower and she falls down on top of the bed, she removes her shoes and is left sitting there. In her bra and pants. The day has left her exhausted and drained, it's been a lot of time coming for them to be where they are today. Carmilla wasn't joking when she said that she could see them having a kid someday in the future, _when_ in the future is a whole other thing, but she could see it. She can feel it too. It's is written in her hands when she grabs Elsie's hands, when she connects their lips and when she whispers soft nothing's in her ear. It's written all over her body where Elsie has been.

It's that that eventually makes her leave the bed and she steps into the bathroom. Through the glass of the shower can she see the contours of Elsie. She's so beautiful, even though rugged glass. Carmilla unbuttons her pants and slides out of them, leaving them in a pile on the floor. It's true, this is what she wants. All she ever wanted is this. Just Elise and her. Nothing else. She slides open the door of the shower and steps in behind Elsie without a word and reaches for her waist.

"You took long enough", Elise says with a giggle and Carmilla steps closer, erasing the space between them and presses a soft kiss to the blonde's neck. Elsie stops and her laugh is suppressed by the stream of the shower. Carmilla places another kiss in the crook of her neck and lets her hands gently press against her stomach. "Carmilla".

"Yes?", she answers and gives in as Elsie turns to face her. She looks so young, so untouched and totally hers. During the years they've spent together has she turned into something else, bits and pieces of the girl Carmilla met at that bar is still there, there's so much to her than what people can see on the surface. Things that only Carmilla is allowed to see or touch.

"I love you", the blonde whispers and wraps her arms around Carmilla's neck. Carmilla smiles, it's precious and warm. She leans in under the stream and connects their foreheads, the water streaming down both of their faces.

"And I you".

She waits for the sign and when Elsie lets out a deep breath she presses forward, bringing Elsie up towards the wall of the shower and peppers her neck with kisses and nips. Elise digs her nails into Carmilla's upper back and cradles her head against her chest. Carmilla takes her time, making sure that every inch of Elise's chest has been kissed and caressed, until she falls down on her knees and takes in all of Elsie before she has the time to react. Elsie's head falls back against the wall with a light thump as a deep throated moan slips her lips and one of her hands finds Carmilla's dripping wet hair and scratch her scalp. Carmilla waits for the sound of the prayer leaving Elise's whimpering mouth before she gives her what she wants with a rough thrust and the air is stained by sounds of pleasure as they evaporate off of the blonde's tongue. Carmilla stands before she brings Elsie closer again and is meet with hungry kisses, some of them will definitely leave marks on her skin. Elise whispers words which disappear in the sound of the shower against her neck, but it still makes her whole body vibrate, and cups her breasts carefully. With the stream hitting the top of Carmilla's head she leans in on her elbows against the wall and swallows back a few moans as Elsie kisses the right spots on her way down Carmilla's wet body. Elsie brings her to the edge with a few strokes of her tongue and fingers curled inside her and that's what's breaks through Carmilla's pressed lips. When the blonde stands again it's Carmilla who wraps her arms around her neck and leans in to place a soft and lingering kiss on her lips

"I love you so fucking much", she breathes out with lips brushing against Elsie's.

"You better", she says and sucks in Carmilla's bottom lip.

Carmilla is left with nail marks on her back and an aching scalp when they make their way out of the steamed bathroom. The walls are dripping as much as Carmilla's hair and her reflection is only a blurry shadow in the mirror. She watches Elsie move around the room while packing down the last of their stuff, they are leaving in the morning to head back to Chicago after being in LA for the past week. Carmilla is leaving both willingly and by force. It's becoming harder and harder for her to drive herself away from her family, which really is Will, Karen and Luna. God, Luna is the worst one to leave behind.

It's only when Elsie gets into bed that she realizes why she feels the way she does- why it feels heavier tonight. She pulls an old shirt over her head and puts on a pair of sweats before she grabs her phone. Elsie looks confusedly at her when she goes to open the door to the balcony.

"I'm just gonna make a call. It'll only take a minute", Carmilla says with a smile and steps over to the bed, leans over and gives the girl a soft kiss

"Sure".

The air is mild and the concrete floor is still warm from the sun. She can hear the waves and the city. Maybe LA isn't that bad anyway. At least not at night. In another life, maybe this could have been her life. She doesn't believe that, because in another life she would never have set got in California. Not for staying here permanently. She leans in over the railing while fumbling with her phone. If she's going to this she needs a few seconds, or days which is really what's she's given, to make sure that she's doing it for the right reasons. Not to prove something. Not for Elsie. Not for _her._ She can't do this for any other reason than the right one- because _she_ asked her to come. It can't be anything else or else she'll fuck things up for herself and what she's done. What she's created. She types in the one number that she can remember by memory. Will picks up before the third tone gone through.

"I'll go. On one condition", she says before he can answer and she can hear him sigh on the other end. Of course he knows what she's talking about. He has always known. It wouldn't surprise her if he knew that she would call him tonight too. "Don't let me do something stupid", she breathes out and it's sounds as much of a prayer as it is.

 _"Like what?"_ , he asks with a genuinely confused voice. _"Carmilla"._

"I don't know, just don't let me okay". She can't explain it, but she needs this. She needs him as a safety net, the one thing that will make sure that she doesn't crash down again. She can't do that again.

 _"Okay. I promise"_ , he says calmly and Carmilla can feel her heart slow down to a normal pace once again. "I'll make sure they know we're coming".

"Okay".

She doesn't hang up, neither does he. So she listens to his breathing and finds herself fall into the rhythm, but her hand is shaking a little and there's something tender in the air she breathes out.

 _"Hey"_ , he says with his big brother tone. _"It's going to be fine. Maybe it's even good for you to see each other, why else would she invite you"._

A smile fills up Carmilla's lips and she runs a hand through her wet hair before she leans her head against it. "I’m not sure I want to know why".

 _"That's a lie and you know it"_ , Will's quick to answer and yes, he knows Carmilla better than everyone in this world. Almost better than anyone ever done.

"I can still try and convince myself of that that's the truth", she says and Will laughs on the other end.

 _"In some ways you haven't changed a bit"_. Carmilla smiles to that. Yeah, there's still traces of her old self left in her. The rebel. The fighter. The martyr. _"I'll call you"_ , Will says.

"Love you", Carmilla whispers as if the words can break if the world hears them too loud. Also because it still doesn't taste sweet on her tongue, but no longer sour.

 _"Love you too, sis"_ , Will answers with a gentle and caring voice. _"Now go to bed and spend some alone time with your girl, seems like you needed it"._

"Shut up", she says with a laugh and is met by one too. "Bye".

Elsie is sound asleep when she slides the door open and slips in, she leaves it open on ajar so that it won't get that stuffy in the night. She slips out of her clothes and crawls into bed, she manages to lay down before Elsie turns onto her side and throws an arm around Carmilla's waist. Carmilla scoffs and settles in under her girlfriend’s embrace. Elsie breathes heavy and calmly against her chest while Carmilla strokes her back. She waits for the sleep to find its way to her body too, but it doesn't. She stays awake and stars on the ceiling. It's not an unease that keeps her awake, more like anticipation. She falls into a slumber as the first sign of light finds its way into the room.


	7. I can’t find a way to keep you

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _Oh I don’t love you but I always will_   
>  _Oh I don’t love you but I always will_   
>  _Oh I don’t love you but I always will_   
>  _I always will_   
>  _\- Poison & Wine (The Civil Wars)_

She peeks out of the window in the grand hall. She has a perfect view over the driveway and watches another car pull up. She can feel the nervous tingle in her legs.

They had chosen the perfect location. It was almost a little mansion, a couple of miles out of town, surrounded by newly bloomed trees and shrubbery. It looked so beautiful from the outside and the inside wasn't much of a disappointment either.

The day has finally come. She was getting married. Their new life and future awaited just around the corner, almost literally. All she had to do was to get through the rehearsal dinner. Just one dinner with the people she loved and then they'll get married. That's why she's hovering over the window and tries to keep track of every car that drives by. She can't help but wonder which of them _she's_ in.

If _she's_ even coming.

Laura hopes she is, she did accept the invite and was going to bring a plus one. But last night had Will called and said that two out of the four of the Karnstein company weren't going to make it to neither the dinner or the wedding. Betty had not asked which of them what would actually attend. For all they know could only Will show up with his wife.

That's why Laura can't stop wondering whether or not _she's_ coming. She wishes that Betty had asked, it would have made things so much easier. Laura sighs as two men get out of the car that she watched pull up a minute earlier.

"Babe".

Laura almost jumps out of her skin, but gets herself together and turns to meet Betty's amused look. She´s standing in the door opening with an amused smile all across her face. "What are you doing?", she asks and laughs. Laura can't help but smile and then she looks out of the window again.

"Just looking", she says and can hear the sound of Betty's graceful steps as she walks up behind Laura and folds her arms around her waist. "People are starting to arrive".

"Yeah, they are", Betty whispers behind Laura's ear and kisses her hair. "You okay?".

A smile sweeps over Laura's lips. Something in her knew that Betty would detect her nervousness as soon as she laid eyes on her. Laura tilts her head to the side and turns to face Betty.

"Yes, I am".

She lets her hand come up to cup Betty's cheek and pulls her down. She places a soft kiss to her mouth and then another. "I am totally okay", she murmurs against Betty's lips and the girl smiles as they kiss for a third time.

“I´m just gonna go change, I´ll be back soon”, Betty says and Laura tugs at her cheek with a soft hand. Betty laughs and places a fourth kiss on Laura´s smiling mouth. “Don't get started without me”.

“No worries”, Laura responds as Betty´s steps disappear out of the door. When she turns to the window again three cars are on their way up to the driveway. Laura can´t stop her stomach from doing a flip and she lets out air with a deep sigh.

She decides to leave her spot at the window and work her way down to the lobby where people are running around while fixing the last things for the dinner. She can hear Danny and Kirsch fighting in the dining hall and she decides to see what they are up to. Only they're not fighting when she finds them. They are just standing in the middle of the room, holding each other's hands while looking at each other. The truth is that they rarely fight or argue anymore. It's like they have gotten through that stage, now they're just happy.

Happy and in love.

"This is something I´d never thought I'd ever see", Laura says with a warm voice.

Danny looks up, cheeks flushed and with traces of a smile on her lips.

"Laura, you look beautiful", she says and Kirsch turns as she nods her way. He too wears a red tone on his cheeks.

"You really do look wonderful", he adds and Laura can feel her own face heat up.

"Yeah yeah", she says and walks up to them. They can see the driveway from here, more cars a pulling up and by the time showing on Kirsch wrist it's almost time.

"Nervous?", Kirsch asks with a caring smile. He has grown so much in the years, there's little left of his puppiness but he has really turned into a man. A man that loves with all of the pieces of his heart, which all belongs to the woman in red by his side. Danny looks spectacular and with Kirsch by her side they look like a power couple taken right out of a magazine.

"A little maybe", Laura admits and Danny caresses her arm.

"It's going to be fine", she says and Laura smiles. That reminds her and she looks over at Kirsch.

"You haven't spoken to Will have you?".

Kirsch frowns and looks over at Danny for a moment. "No. Should I have?".

"No it's just-", Laura can feel the unease in her legs. God, the nervousness is really getting to her now and she doesn't like it. "We still don't know who's coming and I- don't know".

Danny smiles at her and Kirsch seems to understand too. Really they should if anyone, because they have been closest to her all of these years. Kirsch lets go of Danny's hand and reaches down his pocket to pull out his mobile.

He frowns again, this time surprised.

"I got a missed call from him", he says and looks to Laura before he dials. Laura watches him put the phone to his ear and they all wait for Will to pick up.

Which he does.

"Hey man", Kirsch says and Laura can hear it in his voice that he has missed Will. They used to be so close and then they both moved and things changed. For all she knows they still talk, but it's not the same.

She knows that feeling.

"Yeah, no. We're here already. Yeah. How far away are you guys?". Laura bites her lip unconsciously. "Yeah sure, see you soon". Kirsch presses the red symbol on the screen and looks back at Laura.

"They just pulled up", he says and Laura can feel a butterfly brush against the walls inside her. She doesn't dare to ask even though she wants to, even do it doesn't matter. Kirsch breathes out and shakes his head. "He didn't say who else was coming".

That means that there´s only one way to find out.

"You ready for this?", Danny asks and Laura nods.

"Yeah, I am".

They walk around to the back and out to the porch where the guests are greeted with a glass of champagne and finger food, courtesy of Betty's father who owns the catering firm they booked for the weekend. They spot two redheads standing close and laughing- LaFontaine and Perry. Laura hasn't seen them for at least three months and it's been really hard not seeing them every now and then.

The redheads spot them too as they walk up to the porch.

"Laura", Perry says and let's go of LaFontaine's hand to embrace her. She then holds Laura in arm range and eyes her, which leads to Laura blushing. "You're stunning", Perry says and sounds so proud.

Maybe she remembers how reluctant Laura was to put on anything that wasn't sweats for a period. A period that was well documented by Kirsch for future blackmailing.

"You really are", LaFontaine agree and Laura looks over to them. They smile and it's one of the best things Laura knows. Perry lets go of her to greet Kirsch and Danny in the same way she did with Laura while Laura herself wraps her arms around LaFontaine.

"We've missed you, you know", they say and Laura can feel the last bits of her nervousness fade away into something dull and manageable.

"I know. Me too".

When Laura backs up to let them say hi to the others too she can see the signs all over them, they have gotten so much older, so mature and important. She'll never get over the fact that they're a teacher now, that they are wanted all over the country for their incredible mind. Neither has Perry who will follow them to the end of the world and back if that's what they need. They are perfect together and it's in moments like this that Laura can see it. The same goes for Danny and Kirsch. They have all grown more and more with each other with the years and it's a beautiful thing. It´s also the first time in a year that they are all in the same place, which in itself are worth celebrating. But a wedding will have to do.

"Laura", a soft voice whispers and then Betty's arm wraps around her waist, pulling her in.

"Hey, perfect timing", Laura replies with a warm smile.

It's funny how things just happen. Right out of the blew. One second you're talking to your fiancé and your friends, discussing whether or not Spain should be your next destination for your, still not planned, honeymoon or if France is a better choice.

How things can change for just a moment. How it can make you feel like you're seventeen again, because nothing reminds you more of that than a pair of pitch dark eyes.

And then there's three pairs, right there, in front of her.

Laura looks from Will, to Carmilla and to the girl standing in between them. Will hasn't seen her yet, at least he doesn't meet her eyes. Carmilla however laid eyes on Laura the minute they approached the porch. The raven haired girl says something that results in Will nodding and picking up the blonde girl in his arms, to then walking away towards the table set with food.

Betty squeezes Laura's shoulder and earns her attention.

"I'm going to show LaF and Perry the dining hall. You coming?".

Laura looks from Betty, to her two friends standing at their side, when her gaze wanders to where Carmilla's still standing they replicate her and Laura notices the slight change in both of their faces.

Mostly in LaFontaine's.

"No, you show them. I'm just gonna mingle", Laura answers and adds a smile to it as Betty's still watching her.

"Okay. Don't disappear on me", she jokes and kisses Laura's temple before turning to walk inside.

Laura would like to ignore LaFontaine’s look, but she feels it and still does after they have left with Perry to follow Betty. They remember how broken she was and even though they have talked to Laura, mostly Perry, they haven't forgiven _her_. Not completely anyway.

Laura bites her lip and raises her gaze slowly. Carmilla's looking at her with so much humbleness in her eyes- it´s just something that glows from them. Then she starts to zigzag through the crowd to eventually reach Laura.

They don't say anything, just look at each other and then, there it is.

They laugh and Laura couldn't express her happiness even if she knew that that was what she was feeling.

"So here we are", Carmilla says and Laura's reminded of how deep her voice really is. That husky voice is unique a trade of hers.

Only hers.

"Here we are", she repeats and finds herself shaking her head as if to herself.

It's silly, but this isn't something she had dared to believe or hope for. She's still waiting for the abrupt wake up call that usually occurs right about now. But it doesn't come. Carmilla just looks at her and nothing else really matters. Seven years. Three hundred sixty-five times seven, multiplied with twenty-four times sixty and that's how many minutes it has been since they last saw each other. Still, when Carmilla gives Laura that half smile of hers Laura's sure that time is just an illusion. She could bet everything on that she was still seventeen and that they still thought that it would be _them_ , forever.

"Where's your girlfriend?", Laura blurs out and Carmilla's lip twitches. Laura isn't sure why.

"She and Karen, Will's wife, double booked this weekend. They are away on a spa thing", Carmilla replies and corrects her bangs so that they don't cover her eyes.

"Oh, too bad. I would have liked to meet her".

"Yeah, it is", Carmilla says and then she smiles like that again. "You'd like her".

Laura wants to ask about her life. About the years they've not been in each other's lives. The feeling of wanting to know it all, to fill in the gaps and be able to see the whole picture. The picture of what made Carmilla be this person, because Laura's knows in the core of her being that she hasn't met this version of the girl composed by mystery and enchanting darkness. Carmilla's brow jerk up when she sees the expression on Laura´s face and opens her mouth to say something. Laura can almost hear the words leave her tongue, but someone is quicker to take words and does so with a jolly laugh.

"Carmilla!".

The both of them turn their eyes to watch a blond girl sprinting towards Carmilla with a familiar smile on her lips. Carmilla leans down to embrace her and they look so good together. Like they were meant for each other.

Laura can feel her heart jump a beat at the sight.

"This", Carmilla says and tickles the girl who starts to laugh with a cute little smile lingering on her lips. "Is Luna. Will's daughter and my very annoying niece".

Laura can hear that Carmilla feels nothing else than love for the girl and her eyes confirms that as they light up when they look at the still smiling Luna. Laura can't help but smile as well, it's been a long time since she has seen that kind of look in Carmilla's eyes.

She's not even sure if she ever has.

"Is this your soulmate?", the little girl spurts out and Carmilla looks down at her with wide eyes.

Laura's not sure how to react, but looking at Carmilla she figures that she is as stunned as her. Carmilla's cheeks flush and her jaws tighten. Laura finds it very amusing that a little girl can make someone as strong and guarded as Carmilla blush. She bites her lip and carefully thinks of what to say before she leans down a bit to get on the same level as Luna.

"Yes I am", she says. She ignores the look Carmilla gives her and extends her hand to the little one. "My name is Laura. I like your dress Luna, I wish I had one like that too".

"Thank you", Luna answers with a cute slur in her voice. In the corner of her eye Laura notices the change in Carmilla's face and her eyes light up once again.

"You are very welcome".

Carmilla reaches down and caresses Lunas cheek. "You should go find daddy, I think he wants to introduce you to the someone", she says and Luna's smile could make anyone's heart melt. She squints and rushes towards the back from where she came without a word. Laura stands and watches the little one disappear into the mingling crowd.

"She's adorable".

"Yeah, she is", Carmilla says under her breath and meets Laura's eyes. "Sorry about that".

"Yeah, I wasn't expecting that".

Laura laughs because she's still not sure how to react to what just happened. Carmilla actually blushes again and Laura thinks that it must be some kind of a record. "So you've talked about me?". Carmilla shrugs her shoulders and it looks like she hesitates before she allows Laura to meet her eyes.

"We were moving and found one of my boxes from college, it was filled with all my things from when we dated".

Laura frowns confusedly.

"We didn't date in college", she says questioning and Carmilla looks serious all of a sudden.

"Doesn't mean that I didn't keep those things as a memory of what we were when I was in college".

Carmilla bites her tongue but it's too late, those words have already left her lips. Laura looks away, she can't unhear what she just heard. Though, she's not sure if that's what she wants either. She licks her lips and sighs, letting out all the tension she has been carrying around.

"You're not the only one that kept a few memories".

They just look at each other. And for a moment Laura believes that the world goes quiet. Just for a moment. For as long time as she needs to feel the long lost feeling of butterflies in her stomach. Tranquil butterflies with wings painted with all the colours of the rainbow. Flying in constellations picturing the things she has been dreaming about.

Picturing Carmilla and her, laughing, loving, talking, crying, screaming.

She doesn't notice her dad at first, but then he stands close and puts a hand on her arm. She almost jumps at that.

"Sorry to interrupt. Honey, the photographer is here", he says and Laura nods automatically. Still far down in the memory bank, unknowing about the actual world. But then she understands and forces herself to look away from Carmilla's mesmerising eyes.

"Yeah. Yes. Right, the photographer".

Laura looks back at Carmilla who´s smiles slightly. Then she grabs her dad's arm as he offers it.

"We'll talk later", she says and Carmilla nods. Laura is sure that she can feel those dark eyes on her as they walk away, but she doesn't dare to turn her head and check. God knows, those butterflies is enough to make her knees feel weak. She doesn't want to imagine what Carmilla's eyes could do to her.

But she does.

And it's not as terrifying as she hoped.

They are all seated and the thriving mingle has been moved to the tables in the dining hall. Laura looks around and finds that everyone has arrived at their assigned seats and calls for attention by three light clinks with her dessert spoon to the glass. The room goes quiet and soon enough all eyes are on her. She pushes her chair back and stands to be able to see everyone better and then clears her throat. Her fingers tingle a little, as they do when she's nervous.

"I would just like to thank everyone for coming and sharing this happy occasion with us", she says and is met with a couple of smiles that helps with the nervousness. "This is a dream come true and I am the luckiest girl in the world for having you all by my side, especially this one. Betty, you are my world and I can't wait to become your one and only".

Laure reaches down and grabs Betty's hand, much to the crowd’s amusement. They share a warm gaze and then another chair is pulled out.

Danny takes to words.

"Let's toast for the brides to be", Danny adds to Laura's short speech and everyone stand, raising their glasses. "To Laura and Betty!".

"Laura and Betty!”.

Laura blushes lightly and places a soft kiss on Betty's smiling lips. Betty smiles to and deepen the second kiss with is followed by some howling. Laura can pick out Kirsch from it and she laughs as she sits down again. Her gaze happens to follow the people sitting at her table and eventually it falls on Carmilla and Will sitting at the very end of it, Luna was placed at the kids table and seems to enjoy the attention she´s getting over there too, they are talking and there's so much in the way they look at each other. Laura's happy that she had someone too, as Laura had. Someone to take care of her when she wasn't doing that herself.

Laura doesn't know about the years before Carmilla met Elise. No one has had the guts to tell her.

At the end of the night most of their guests as retrieved to their rooms for a good night’s sleep before the wedding that will be in the morning. Laura however isn't much for sleeping. It has to do with the nerves, at least that's what she tells herself. So after twisting and turning in her bed for a good hour she goes down to the porch. The night is chilly. The sky is clear and stars are flickering in their beautiful way as the moon rises higher and higher with a full body. Laura goes to sit down on the steps that lead down to the garden, the stone is cold under her but she wrapped a blanket around her shoulders before leaving her room and it warms her straight up. It's these kinds of nights that make her believe in beauty and life, nothing is as mesmerising as a dark sky and a thousand burning stars. There's nothing as majestic as the endless world and galaxy that hide behind that dark horizon. A world future generations will be able to explore. Hopefully.

She has LaFontaine to thank for her fascination of space and time. It's also one of their greatest achievements, according to Perry. It had something to do with Laura understanding that they are very small in a gigantic world, therefore their actions are cheapskate in comparison with what they yet know nothing about.

Laura hasn't gotten that far into her philosophic thinking, but it still amazes her.

As does the sound of steps behind her- she was sure that everyone was asleep at this hour. Out of the door opening Carmilla appears, wearing a pair of grey sweats and a black cardigan over the blue shirt she was wearing earlier. When Laura sees her she becomes aware of how weirdly familiar this is- the dark night, the stars, she wrapped in a blanket and the lack of sleep either of them are getting. Carmilla smiles, it´s weak though, but doesn't say anything. Neither does Laura, but when she turns back towards the garden she can hear Carmilla sighing before she comes to sit by Laura's side. They haven't talked much during the night, not after the thing with Luna or after the dinner, Laura was preoccupied with others. And frankly, Carmilla seemed to be doing fine beginning back in her friend group from high school. Even Danny and LaFontaine lowered their guards after a while.

Laura can hear Carmilla's steady breathing and in the corner of her eye she watches as Carmilla rubs her hands. In the light of the moon can Laura see small and faded scars on Carmilla's knuckles and when her gaze wanders up to the girl's face she notices a few scars on her jaw and chin too. It pains her in a way she didn't know was possible and she has to look away to not end up staring at every little fraction of those marks.

But they have already triggered something in her.

"We weren't all that bad, where we?".

Carmilla frowns, but not in a surprised way. More like she was anticipating it, maybe even waited for Laura to ask her something about what they haven't talked about. Something that needs to happen.

"No, we were good. Even amazing at times", Carmilla answers with a calm voice.

Laura knows she shouldn't. She really shouldn't feel the way she does, especially now, especially not around Carmilla. But she does and she can't do nothing to help it. With it comes the need of confessing the things she's been carrying for a lot longer than she wants to admit.

"I really love Betty".

"And I love Elsie".

Carmilla doesn't move, at all. Even her hands are still. The only thing moving is her hair, or her bangs since the rest of it is up in a ponytail. Even though the air smells of every single flower the garden is decorated with can Laura sense the wary scent of lavender from Carmilla's raven coloured hair. More distinctively when a breeze sweeps over them and tugs at those dark curls.

Laura can't help it. She really can't.

"But it's not the same, not as it was with you", she whispers and lets the word be swept away with that breeze. As they are, can Laura see the tension in Carmilla's posture and even more in her face even though she keeps it straight and expressionless. Laura turns her eyes away and closes them for a moment, maybe that can help her cease the storm in her chest.

"I don't think it's supposed to be the same", Carmilla says with a soft voice.

Laura opens her eyes again, to find Carmilla looking at her with a warm gaze. She wants to believe that the different layers of it are there because of her imagination and not because of how much Carmilla has changed over the years- more like, how much pain she has suffered.

"If it was then you wouldn't be marrying her, right?", Carmilla asks with a careful smile. It doesn't reach her eyes.

"True", Laura replies. She is drawn to look at the garden again and how beautifully it is lit up by the gloomy light from the full moon. "But still", she breathes out and lets the storm take over control for a second or two.

"I know. I've been thinking of it too. Too much and too often, cupcake".

Laura can feel it.

It is a caress and a punch to her chin. She hasn't been called that for longer than she can remember. She doesn't remember the last time Carmilla called her that before _that_ night. However, she doesn't remember much from that night- it's all a repressed memory. Though something in her still remembers how it feels to be called that by the one that joked about her being so sweet she had to have an equally sweet nickname.

Really, there are a lot of last things that she can't remember. Like their last kiss. Or last embrace.

So much has been waiting to be said, because even though Laura has tried, writing doesn't help with the questions hiding in her chest and now they have become a few more.

"What was that Luna said? She asked if I was your soulmate", Laura asks and with it one of those questions are said out loud. "Why would she ask that?".

Carmilla wets her lips and sighs. Maybe she too is holding back things that need to be said, Laura thinks and waits for her to answer.

"Because she saw a picture of us and asked who the other girl was", Carmilla says with a low voice. Then she looks up to meet Laura´s eyes. "I told her that that was my soulmate. That you were my soulmate". Laura holds her breath, unknowingly. Carmilla shakes her head with a flush on her cheeks and turns away. "It's stupid. Just something I said".

It´s a lie.

Laura knows this, because the similar words have been written under her hand. Maybe not between their names, but it has always been there. Hidden behind other words and meanings.

"I remember the lake and that hideous blanket that we never managed to wash clean after that night. And those awful sandwiches you made", she says and attracts Carmilla´s stunned look. Laura smiles at the memory and pulls the blanket around her shoulders a bit tighter. _That_ is something she'll never be able to forget and she doesn't want to either. "It was a beautiful day".

"Not as beautiful as you".

Laura looks up from the ground and is met by an apologizing gaze. Dark eyes that mirror the sky and even the stars with small glimpses of burning desire.

"Sorry".

"Don't say that. This isn't supposed to be easy. We haven't seen each other for years and now, under these circumstances it's perfectly normal to-", Laura stops as she feels a soft hand on her thigh and then Carmilla speaks again in that soft voice.

"Cupcake, you don't have to rationalize this".

Laura forces herself to breathe and look up from her lap. Carmilla retracts her hand, but it has already left a firing mark on Laura. It burns under the fabric of her pants.

"I should go", Carmilla exhales and Laura wonders if she's offering an escape or if that´s just what it feels like. Carmilla stands and Laura does too.

"Yeah me too".

Laura nods to her and slowly walks towards the door, but is once again stopped in her action.

"Laura".

She turns to see Carmilla smiling, an old smile. And Laura´s sure now- she´s seventeen years old and nothing is bad in their small, enclosed world.

"I meant what I said", Carmilla says and it makes Laura´s heart beat a little fast. A little bit harder. A bit too eagerly. "Nothing is as beautiful as you".

Laura laughs quietly and lets those words sink in even though her better judgment tells her not to.

"I would say the same, but I'm guessing that you're still bad at taking compliments", she replies and Carmilla answers with another smile. "See you tomorrow, Carmilla".

"Goodnight, Laura".

Laura returns to her room. But she doesn't sleep for another hour. She just lays there, on top of the covers and stares at the ceiling, parts of her glowing in a dimmed light as if someone is pointing with a flashlight behind a curtain. Maybe that´s true. Maybe someone has lit something behind her curtain and woken those parts of her.

Maybe that´s a good thing.

 

//

 

It funny how it all can come crashing down.

How one little thing can seat of an avalanche and bring all hell down.

They have been through this too many times and by now they should really have learned how to ignore it, but they don´t. Instead it takes a whole new turn.

Carmilla has her hands in her pockets, walking three feet behind Laura, who´s anger is steaming out of her ears. Or maybe it´s from her mouth because she´s breathing heavily- still because of anger though. Carmilla swallows a sigh as they round the corner and her eyes shut for a moment. It´s not like she doesn't know what´s coming, what always comes. It´s not like they were happy and having fun just half an hour ago. No, it´s not like that. At all.

Except it is.

Half an hour ago they were at a party. It was organized by one of Carmilla´s classmates- they were supposed to celebrate the fact that they were going to graduate in a week. It is seven days left of high school and Carmilla feels like this night itself might as well be seven days long or years or decades. At least the walk back home to Laura´s is.

They had had fun while drinking, laughing, dancing and just enjoying the night. Danny had been there, Laura´s self-proclaimed bodyguard. Kirsch, the big puppy dog that Carmilla actually liked, mostly because he annoyed Danny. The ginger twins, LaFontaine and Perry, which had, like always, been glued to each other while playing the part of responsible parents and keeping an eye on everyone else. They were all there, all of their friends, and Laura wasn't the only junior either. Carmilla had noticed some of them trying their best to get some seniors attention - like if it was their last chance to hook up with a questionably cleaver Zeta guy or annoying Summer Society girl. They seemed to think that that was a worthy thing to but on their record.

It really wasn´t.

It had started like every other time- Carmilla doesn't actually remember anytime that they gotten into an argument because of something serious. But they seem to find their way to that point every time because of silly things instead. They had gotten comfortable in the kitchen, Laura propped up on the counter with Carmilla standing in between her legs. The ginger twins were pouring some drinks and Danny and Kirsch were arguing about some game- Carmilla had not been paying attention to any of them, because Laura was stroking her bangs out of her face. Laura´s gaze had been slightly glassy and she seemed to have a hard time not staring down at Carmilla´s lips every now and then, which of course brought a smirk to Carmilla´s lips. Carmilla had wrapped her hands around Laura´s waist and tugged gently at her blouse, bringing her closer to her. She was about to kiss her when it had happened.

Or when _she_ had happened.

Ell had stumbled into the kitchen and managed to knock a few bottles down and they fell down the sink followed by the sound of glass meeting metal. Carmilla had turned around, before she heard the familiar sound of Ell´s laugh. Ell´s drunken laugh. She knew that sound all too well and had let go of Laura´s waist just for a moment. She didn't really mean to. It just happened. She had then taken one quick step forward and grabbed Ell by her arm before she would have crashed down to meet the floor the same way those bottles had.

She might not have shattered like them, but she would definitely have hurt herself.

Ell had laughed in Carmilla´s ear and Carmilla couldn't smell alcohol on her breath- she could easily had fooled anyone by just saying that she wasn't drunk, but Carmilla knew that Ell was drunk and had done a magnificent job by hiding it behind the smell of mint and cigarette smoke. It was so strong that Carmilla almost could have tasted the cigarette between her own lips. When Ell was back on her feet had Carmilla shot an eye back to where she had been standing a moment ago, just to meet Laura´s dark eyes.

That was the first strike.

What then followed was so stupid.

Carmilla had helped Ell to the kitchen table while telling her not to drink anything more, apart from water which she went to get for her. Carmilla had felt Laura´s gaze on her the whole time. She had watched Carmilla leave Ell, get up from kneeling and move over to the sink, heard the sound of water hitting the splinters of glass while she waited for the water to get colder. Carmilla had tried not to feel it the way she did, but it was hard and wasn't getting easier with the realization that she knew how this would end- subconsciously she had anyway. When she had kneeled down in front of Ell again, mostly because she had fallen forward and was now leaning her head in her hands with her elbows propped up on her knees. Ell had looked at her with clouded eyes at the sound of her name. Carmilla had not looked at the smile spreading over Ell´s lips when she met her gaze.

She had not done anything, no one would think that she would do anything, but Laura still saw everything.

Especially when Ell had put down the glass with water and leaned forward before Carmilla had time to react, and then her arms were folded around Carmilla’s neck, pulling her closer. She had whispered a _thank_ _you_ with a soft and drunk voice, which Carmilla knew nobody could have heard. But it was the look on Ell's face that had made things worse. It was the look of old love. Carmilla had ordered her to finish her water before she stood up and turned to Laura, who had jumped down from the counter, and she had then been greeted with a shaking head and burning eyes.

The third strike came not long after the Ell-thing.

It had taken a good twenty minutes of Carmilla slowly approaching Laura before she had been allowed to just stand beside her- she could sense the anger in the way Laura's jaws stayed tense and her eyes locked at everything else besides Carmilla. Still, she had managed to get that far and at one point they were pushed together. Carmilla had then grabbed Laura's hand and pulled her towards her, which seemed to be okay. After a while had Carmilla felt Laura slowly relax and she thought for a moment that maybe it didn't have to end so bad after all.

She had been wrong.

Out of the kitchen had a much drunker Danny than before stumbled out with Kirsch at her side, they had crashed into Carmilla and Laura with a laughing _sorry._ And then it happened. Danny had in her drunken state of mind thought that it was an excellent idea to mention the fact that Carmilla had applied to colleges out of state. Which is something Carmilla and Laura have been arguing about for the last month and then ended with saying that Carmilla would stay home for the next year and maybe take some classes here instead. The second those words had left Danny's lips had Laura tensed up again and pushed herself out of Carmilla's embrace.

Laura had hissed something that Carmilla couldn't make out, but when she turned around she screamed instead and it was a loud and pissed off _fuck you_.

That is what lead them to this point. Or at least to Laura storming out and straight back home with Carmilla dragging behind her.

Carmilla breathes in through her nose as she follows Laura up the driveway to her dad's house. She waits for Laura to get out of her jacket and shoes before she gets closer to the door, at least it isn't slammed in her face. That's a semi-good sign. Laura walks upstairs with heavy steps and Carmilla clenches her eyes shut for a moment, she then locks the door and follows the girl up to her room. She finds Laura in her room, standing in front of her wardrobe, pulling at stuff without much meaning. Carmilla shakes her head and hopes for her to turn and bring hell down on her, because that means that this will be over in a couple of minutes.

But she doesn't.

Carmilla finally accepts the silence treatment and goes to sit down on Laura's bed. It makes a creaking sound as she makes herself comfortable. She watches the tension in Laura's jaws and the way her eyes are smaller now, which means that she's processing something in her head. Maybe which way that is most effective to kill Carmilla.

“Are you gonna talk soon or should I just sit here and listen to your screaming thoughts?”, Carmilla asks when she's gotten tired with just waiting for what they both know needs to happen. Laura doesn't stop pulling at the clothes and Carmilla sighs. How can it hurt so much to love someone that makes you go crazy, she wonders and exhales.

"Laura please, I don't feel up to just sitting here and feel bad over something I didn't do".

This is what makes Laura stop, everything really stops in the moment Carmilla has said the right wrong sentence. Laura scoffs and Carmilla braces herself for whatever may come.

"Seriously?", Laura asks with anger dripping off of every letter.

"Yes. I haven't done anything. This is just stupid", Carmilla answers and tries her best not to spit the words out even though she very much feels like doing exactly that.

"You told Danny that you planned on moving".

"Yeah?". Carmilla notices the change in Laura's posture, it turns cold and stiff, much like the air in this room. "She asked and I answered, there´s nothing else to it. I don't get why you're so mad about this", Carmilla says and rubs her temples. All this arguing gets to her head and by every time she ends up getting a pounding headache quicker than the time before. She can already feel the slight tingle up her neck and it is too early. Way too early.

"But I guess that's your thing", she adds and now Laura turns, slowly with a burning look in her eyes. They lock onto Carmilla's and Carmilla can feel her hands turn into fists.

"My _thing_? Oh sure, that's my thing. We all know what your _thing_ is too", Laura spits and Carmilla is sure she's never seen Laura this angry before. "Your ex".

"What about her?".

"You don't think she's being a bit persisting?"

"What do you want me to do? I can't make her go away. She needed help Laura, I wasn't just going to let her hurt herself", Carmilla answers tiredly. Ell is one of the topics on the list of arguments they've had that is reoccurring and the least one she wants to have right now. Or ever.

"You can tell her to fuck off", Laura answers with a sneer in her voice.

"Like you did you mean?", Carmilla's voice has reached another level now. She doesn't mean it to, but there's only so much she can take and still hold back. "Don't think I've forget about _her_ ".

"At least she doesn't try to get in between _us_ and _our_ relationship".

"Neither does Ell", Carmilla yells and stands.

"Hell she does", Laura says with an edge to the words that could probably cut a man in half if she wanted them to.

Carmilla breathes in through her nose and tires to focus on that for a moment. She can still feel her pulse as it pounds in every vein and hear it in her ears, but she's back in control. "She is in the past, I've told her that and she respects that", Carmilla says with a calm voice.

"Yeah, because calling you every now and then is so just _in the past_ ", Laura replies with a whole lot more sarcasm than Carmilla wants or can hear right now.

"At least she doesn't try and fuck up my future!", Carmilla hisses through gritted teeth.

"Yes she does! She is doing it right now!".

Laura looks like she's about to really bring down the sky on top of Carmilla. But Carmilla shakes her head and looks at her in that way that is the only way she can right now- with disappointment.

"No, you are!", she says. Laura looks confused and Carmilla waits for it to pass before she continues. "She has never been the problem. You and your jealousness are".

"I don't trust her".

"In that case you don't trust me", Carmilla says and her voice is weaker than she wants it to be. She's just too tired and wearied out doing this. "Oh so now you'll be quiet", she adds with an awful smile when Laura doesn't say anything. Carmilla turns and paces back and forth in the room while running a hand through her hair.

"Nice one!", she yells as she feels the tension build up in her instead.

Carmilla stops and looks down to the floor. She has never hit Laura and would never do it, but in this moment there's too much going on in her to be able to even look at her. So she can only look at the floor and watch Laura's feet in the corner of her eye.

"I do trust you", Laura says after a while as if she knows when it's okay to break the silence again.

"You got a funny way of showing it", Carmilla answers and jerks her head up. Laura's eyes are as tired as Carmilla knows her own are.

Carmilla can felt it again- that heavy feeling that has been growing in her chest for the last couple of months. It brings the same things as always, doubt and reminders of how reckless the love they share really is. Normally she can fight it off, suppress it, hide it away in a dark corner of her being.

Not tonight.

Tonight she can see what it means. What it does, to her and the one she loves. What it will do to them. Their love is pure, young, brave, deep and trustworthy. Nothing is as intense as their love for each other and Carmilla knows it, she has seen it in Laura's eyes and in her own in a reflection of a dusty windshield as she has driven off to find some peace and quiet. Their love is everything.

Their love is too much for them to handle.

With Laura can she reach her highest high, but she can also feel the lowest low. One moment they are surfing on clouds and the next they are trying to pick each other up from the pavement because they have crashed right down. At times she's sure that they are pulling the other down right back there, not knowingly, but they do and it hurts a little bit more each time.

She walks over to the wardrobe and pulls out the bag she left there months ago after the week she more or less lived here when her mother and brother were way. She can hear Laura wander about behind her and then she laughs a bitter laugh.

"So what? You are just gonna leave", Laura asks sarcastically. Carmilla bites the inside of her cheek before she allows herself to answer.

"What do you think will happen if I don't, ha?", she says and stands and turns to look at Laura. The other girl is wearing a smile- she doesn't believe for a second that Carmilla would leave. "Are we gonna live happily ever after, get married and have three kids? That's not us. That will never be us". Carmilla feels every word as they rip at her chest, tugging a part of it with them.

"We would tear each other apart before anything of that could ever happen". Laura frowns and it's not in any other way than by amusement. Carmilla turns back to the bag and begins to throw her stuff in it. "This is the proof of that".

"What happens if you leave?", Laura asks and takes a step closer. Carmilla forces herself to continue with the packing and only moves to the side to reach her other pair of boots.

"We'll move on. Forget about each other. Live our lives as we should".

Laura laughs again, but it is stained with something else than amusement this time.

"That's bullshit and you know it", she exclaims and Carmilla can hear it, even if Laura doesn't- she's starting to believe it.

"Doesn't have to be", Carmilla says and stands. She throws the bag onto the bed with a steady beat to her ear as her heart begins to pick up its pace. Laura follows her every move and Carmilla breathes out with a tremble, she needs to do this.

Fully and completely.

"You deserve to see the world Laura, as you always dreamed of, and you should go to Brown and get married and have more kids than you can count", she says while looking straight at Laura's face.

"Stop it.”

She does believe it now. She knows Carmilla, knows what she capable of doing if she thinks it's the best.

"I want all of that for you", Carmilla exhales and feels the tears in her throat. "But what if I can't give that to you?".

"You can, you will. You are!", Laura says loudly and takes a step closer. She grabs Carmilla's hands, making her look down at the floor. It's the only thing that keeps her from starting to cry right in this moment.

"No, I'm not", Carmilla breathes out and swallows the tears. "And I'm okay with that".

When she looks up again Laura looks more confused than ever before and there's a sadness to her eyes that Carmilla only seen once before- when she lost her mom.

"Because I love you".

Maybe Laura thinks that this is her telling her that she's not going anywhere, it's perfectly normal for her to think that because that's what Carmilla has promised over and over again as long as they been together. Even before that.

"I love you too", she whispers back to Carmilla and squeezes her hands.

Carmilla hopes, with all of her heart, that Laura can see it on her.

But she doesn't.

So she has to do this the hard way. The painful way. Carmilla pulls her hands away and turns to the bed again, she opens the bag and begins to take down her books from the shelf over Laura's bed.

"What are you doing?", she can hear Laura ask behind her, but there's a wall between them so her voice is muffled.

"You are gonna thank me for this later, hopefully".

"No, stop", Laura begs and grabs Carmilla from behind, locking her arms down to her sides. Carmilla has to fight with every little piece of her will to not fall together right here and now. She can't. She has to do this.

"Let go Laura", she says but Laura doesn't move. She jerks one of her hands out of Laura's grip and literally pulls Laura's hands apart so that they can't hold her anymore.

"Why are you doing this?!", Laura screams and it hurts all the way to the core of Carmilla's being. "Why?!".

Carmilla flips around and stares at Laura, with as much anger she can drain from every memory she has of them fighting and then projects it through her pitch dark eyes. "Because this is what we are! We fight, all the time. I'm surprised we haven't torn each other's spleens out yet, but I'm sure we will if we don't end this now".

"Everyone fights, don't use that as an explication if you want to leave", Laura's voice is small and that is more painful than everything else combined.

"We don't just fight and you know it", Carmilla replies and then, she gives in. Her shoulders fall down and her vision turns blurry because of tears tipping over the edge. "I have never loved anyone as much as I love you", she whispers and her voice is small too.

Laura just looks at her for a moment and then she takes those few steps it takes for her to cup Carmilla's face with both of her hands. They are warm against Carmilla's skin, like they're burning, she can see them do it and leaving two big marks on her cheeks. Laura breathes out and the air caresses Carmilla's face, making her shut her eyes and take in a shaky breath. Laura leans in and connects their foreheads and they just breathe for a moment.

"Then don't go", Laura mumbles and her voice is cracked with tears too.

"Stay", she begs and Carmilla knows that that's the one and only thing her heart is begging her to do too.

Laura leans in to kiss her when they are interrupted by her phone vibrating on her desk. That can only be one person and Carmilla doesn't know if she should thank him or curse him. He'll do the later when he finds out what she has done. Laura breathes out and places a soft kiss on Carmilla's cheek.

"I'll be back soon", she says and Carmilla nods.

She watches Laura grab her phone and leave the room, soon thereafter can she hear her talk to her dad from down the hall. In many ways this is a normal night. In all too many ways this is familiar. That's what makes Carmilla wake up from the momentarily trans she's fallen into. When it comes down to it, that's what assures her that she's making the right decision.

She only needs two minutes to scrabble her things together and stuff them in the bag. It becomes quite heavy after a while. Guess that what you get after one year and eight months of being together and sharing a bed for eighty percent of those nights. Carmilla doesn't hear anything apart from her pounding pulse and therefore she doesn't react to Laura standing in the doorway. Not until she jerks her head up and sees her.

By the look of her she has woken too and Carmilla can see the truth as it sinks into her. Tears prickle at her eyes and Carmilla can feel her inside concave.

"Don't do this Carmilla", Laura begs with a shaky voice when Carmilla has looked away.

"Don't ask me to stay", she answers and bites her lip. She can already taste iron on the tip of her tongue. Maybe that's the one thing that makes her believe this too. That this isn't a dream or a nightmare. This is reality and she's about to wreck the only good thing in her life.

"What do you want me to do!?", Laura screams with tears streaming down her face. Carmilla ignores her and grabs the last shirt she can see that is hers. "Please tell me", Laura exhales as if it's an offering. Like she offers to give her life if that's what it takes to keep Carmilla.

Carmilla sips the bag closed and hooks it around her neck, she doesn't trust her hands right now so her back as to take the weight. She takes one last look at the person that she would give her life for.

For who she is giving her life to.

"Goodbye Laura", she says with a stiff tone undressed of emotions.

Carmilla takes a step towards the door, but Laura doesn't move. Instead all of what is her change and now she brings down the sky with a fierceness to every word.

"Don't you fucking leave! Don't-", she yells and Carmilla breaks out of the room and keeps walking because if she doesn't she'll end up going back.

She can't do this again. She needs to end it, now and forever.

"You will break me if you do", Laura cries and Carmilla stops for less than a second on the last step of the stairs. She takes in a shaky breath before she forces herself to swallow down everything that fights her in this moment.

"I know", she answers and hears Laura draw for breath.

Carmilla takes the last step and keeps walking.

"Carmilla!".

She pushes the front door open and turns to close it.

"I will always love you", she whispers as she leaves the girl she loves with whatever soul and heart she owns, behind that door.

It's a last promise, the obvious truth and a _please forgive me_ in other words.

"Carmilla!", Laura cries again from the top of the stairs and Carmilla bites harder onto her lip as she closes the door completely.

"Carm-".

She rushes off of the driveway and keeps walking until she can't see anymore. Tears are streaming endlessly down her face and every part of her hurts. She falls to hit the pavement and she screams, loud and weak, without caring whether or not anyone hears her. She screams until she's empty and the pain wander up her knees and wrists- they suffered the most from the fall. That isn't entirely true, because she fell harder than ever and even worse, she deserves it. She manages to crawl further up the street, away from the possibility of being hit by a car. She can feel soft grass under her palms and she sit back and cradles her head in her hands.

What have I done.

What have I done

What have I done.

That's the four words on repeat in her head. It echoes and turns into a dozen screaming voices. Tears are still running down her cheeks and they hit her lap, creating a constellation of dark spots on both her shirt and pants. How long she stays like that, wrapped around herself, she doesn't know but something of her senses is still with her. That's what makes her pull out her phone and speed dial her first number. She's sobbing and takes in shaky breath after shaky breath while the signals go through.

"Hi, what's up?", her brother answers like usual. Carmilla opens her mouth to answer him, but nothing comes out and then she lets out the air her lungs have held back. "Carmilla? What has happened?", his voice is both distant and near. The world spins under her and she has to put all what's left of her energy into speaking without mumbling.

"Can you come pick me up?".

"I'm on my way", he says without a second though and she can hear scrambling of keys. She breathes again and nods as if trying to tell herself that this, this is going to be okay.

She doesn't believe that for a second, but it distracts her enough to be able to listen to his voice again.

"Where are you?", he asks and Carmilla breaks down again. It's not pretty or small, it's loud and colossal, it hurts her every limb and turns her stomach inside out.

“Will, please hurry”, she begs between sobs and tries to listen as he answers, but she's floating away.

It just hurts too much. Everything just hurts.

She's not aware when Will pulls up next to her or when he carries her into his car. She doesn't sleep during that night, neither does Will. He stays by her side throughout her crying and sobbing. In the morning he returns to get the rest of Carmilla's things that she couldn't take with her. He doesn't say _her_ name or tells Carmilla how she's feeling. He only tells her that everything's going to be okay. That things are going to okay. She only needs time.

Everything will be okay Carmilla, he repeats.

She doesn't believe him for a second.

 


	8. Is this the end?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _When I see you again_   
>  _And I'm greeted as a friend_   
>  _It is understood_   
>  _That we did all we could_   
>  _\- Sunset (The xx)_

The whole day has been planned right through to the last minute. They get up at nine. Betty gets ready on the second floor with her friends and family, while Laura can get ready on the first floor a hallway away from the hall where the ceremony will take place. Laura starts off the day with eating breakfast with Danny, LaFontaine, Perry and Kirsch. It's quiet and nice. Afterwards they move down to get ready, Kirsch hides away in his and Danny's room to give them some privacy.

Perry takes her time doing Laura´s make-up with a concentrating frown glued to her face the whole time. Laura almost falls asleep in that comfortable chair under the soft and soothing strokes of Perry applying layer after layer of God knows what. When she finally is allowed to see herself in the mirror, gosh, she tears up within a second and Perry is fast to threaten to kill her if she messes up her masterpiece. They laugh and, after a little bit of crying and wiping, they help her to get into her dress. It´s a slim cut dress, with an appropriate cleavage and elegant embroidery that follows her curves like it was a second skin around her waist. It falls beautifully of her hips and widens down to the floor, the pattern at the very hem of the dress matches those around her neck. It´s a closed back, but her shoulders are exposed and so are her neck and collarbones. When she´s in it she swirls in front of the mirror and it´s like a dream.

“Laura”, LaFontaine breathe out.

“I know”.

She turns and meets their warm eyes, they look so handsome in their tux and at Perry´s side they are look amazing. Danny breathes out with eyes tearing up again and Perry gives her a warning finger.

“If you make her cry again I´ll-”.

“God, okay”, Danny says and swallows hard. Laura just smiles at her and breathes out. This is really happening. It´s finally happening.

“Could I have a minute?”, she asks.

“Of course honey, we'll see you in there”, Perry says and squeezes her hand before she leads a stiff Danny out of the room, she hides her eyes behind her hand all the way and Laura can't help but smile. LaFontaine shake their head and follows them out and close the door with a proud look on their face.

Laura breathes out and turns back to the mirror. A smile finds its way to her lips and they twitch. Her reflection grins back at her in a playful way. She can actually see it- she´s beautiful. It makes her anxious to see Betty, to see her reaction and see what she has come up with herself. They decided early on to not tell each other what they were wearing, they just agreed on the colours and that was it. That way it would be a big reveal at the altar.

It´s a knock on the door, but it doesn't erase her smiling.

“Come in!”.

She is still turned towards the mirror when the door slowly opens and the person steps in. She hears the door being shut close again, but it´s quiet. So she turns her head and her eyes falls on the raven haired girl dressed in leather pants and a black blazer. Laura is stunned. Carmilla looks stunning in that outfit. Carmilla glances up from the floor and locks into Laura´s eyes.

Laura thinks that she has forgot how to breathe.

“You're beautiful Laura”.

She blushes and has to force herself to breath in, then she smiles and meets Carmilla´s waiting eyes.

“I´m not the one in a blazer, which...wow”.

Carmilla laughs and it warms Laura´s heart to hear it. She has missed that laugh so much. But she still wonders what she's doing here, minutes before the wedding is supposed to begin.

“Why are you here?”.

Carmilla laughs again and then pinches the bridge of her nose with her thumb and index finger. When she pulls her hand away from her face she looks as confused as Laura feels. And there´s something else too, it´s showing in the way she looks everywhere but straight at Laura.

Carmilla sighs and her eyes flutter shut for a moment before they open again and she breathes out. “I wanted to see you, before everything goes down”.

“Goes down?”.

“Yeah”.

Laura´s confusion grows louder in her chest and she takes a small step closer to Carmilla. “I don't get it”, she says and watches Carmilla´s lips curl into a little smirk.

She finally looks up and meets Laura´s eyes. “You are too good Hollis”.

“And what's that supposed to mean”.

“It means”, Carmilla begins and takes a step closer to Laura. Her eyes are locked to Laura´s and there´s that intensity in them which pulls Laura in, deeper and deeper. “That I need to tell you this before you get out there”.

“Carmilla”.

Laura licks her lips and tries to find some words to make Carmilla stop, she really needs to stop right now. This day is hard as it is. It´s not like she´s on the verge of collapsing out of nervousness already. But Carmilla takes another step towards her and places a hand on Laura´s waist and every word in Laura´s vocabulary fade into dust and her mouth becomes dry all of a sudden.

“I need to tell you this. After last night I just need to say this. It´s the right thing”.

Laura´s lost in Carmilla´s touch and raspy voice, but then her mind catches up with what the black-haired girl just said and Laura frowns.

“Wait, what are you saying?”.

Carmilla frowns too and wets her lips. “I didn't think that we ended things that good last night”.

Laura doesn´t know what to say. Mainly because her mind is still clouded because of the hand on her waist, but also because she realizes what Carmilla's getting at. The hand on her waist though, is very distracting and that surprises her. Laura wasn't really expecting Carmilla to have this effect on her, still. However, last night proved that she probably always will have that ability when it comes to Laura.

“But maybe I'm wrong?”, Carmilla says and Laura shakes her head.

“No, I just, I just had… can you help me with something?”. Carmilla looks surprised but nods and Laura turns. The back of her dress is undone. “Would you mind?”.

At least this way she can get a moment to collect herself, or not. Laura focuses on her breathing as she feels gentle fingers work their way up her back and before she knows it they have reached the end, and she has to turn around to face Carmilla once again. When she does, Carmilla´s eyes have fallen to the floor and her shoulders are sagging.

“What is it?”.

Carmilla scoffs and jerks up her head up a bit but she doesn't look at Laura.

“I just didn't think I would be standing here, ever”.

Those words hit Laura right in her chest and she understands how hard this must me for her. She isn't the only one ending something and beginning something else. They are both closing something, together. This is the ultimate end to their past, at least all of this equalizes to that.

“Me neither”, Laura breathes out and Carmilla smiles softly. "What was it that you needed to tell me?".

Laura watches Carmilla's face as it turns, once, twice, three times and then she has to reach forward to cup her hand around the black haired girl's cheek. Her skin is soft against Laura's palm. Carmilla sighs with a smile and reaches up with her free hand to grab Laura's, she pulls it to the side, to her mouth and then she kisses the spot right below where Laura's wrist begins. Laura can feel everything. Every little thing that Carmilla does. How her fingers trail up Laura's hand, to her fingers and fold around them. How she brings them to her mouth and kisses the top of Laura's hand. Her lips are so soft.

Laura isn't sure she's breathing and when Carmilla looks up at her she knows she's not.

Carmilla's eyes are filled with tears and the remains of a consuming love. The love they used to share all of those years ago. Laura breathes in slowly and then she leans forward. The feeling of Carmilla's skin against her forehead, her hair brushing against Laura's hairline and the feeling of hot air caressing her face as Carmilla breathes out, makes her knees weak. She can hear Carmilla swallow hard and then see her shut her eyes.

"This is crazy", Carmilla whispers as if she's scared that it will break this moment.

Laura sighs. "I know".

"Am I ruining this day for you? By being here I mean".

Laura wishes that Carmilla would open her eyes so that she could see the look on Laura's face, the mixture of love, anger, surprise and humility. She wishes that Carmilla would let herself just be for a moment and remember who they used to be, maybe she does, but she needs to understand that Laura is incapable of being angry with her. She has never really been that, just hurt and confused. But all of that has passed. Carmilla needs to understand that.

She lets her hands cup around the back of Carmilla's neck and she speaks slowly but confidently when she answers. "I invited you, you know. I wouldn't have done that if I didn't want you here".

Carmilla smirks. "You got a point there".

"I know".

They stand like that for a while, just breathing together, feeling each other without actually feeling the other. Not in the way that Laura's body really wants to feel Carmilla anyway. Then Carmilla breathes out and leans back, she takes a few steps back and creates some space between them. She runs a hand through her hand and lets the same hand scratch at her chin before she looks up, but only for a moment, then she looks down again. To Laura's disappointment.

"Okay, I started thinking last night, after we talked and I want to apologize", Carmilla says and by that she reminds Laura of the fact that she's standing in front of her wearing her wedding dress, and that it is less than ten minutes until she's supposed to walk up the aisle. To Betty.

"For what?", she asks and pulls herself back into her own skin.

"For what I said about you being my soulmate and all of that".

"Carmilla, it's fine. I understand".

"No it's not", Carmilla replies.

Laura presses her lips together. "Yes it is", she says loudly and Carmilla looks up. Confused and Laura shakes her head barely noticeable. "I understand. Don't you get that?".

Carmilla doesn't say anything and for a moment Laura regrets saying it. Any of it. All of it.

Maybe everything shouldn't be confessed, especially when it has to do with the one and only person in the world that she can't let go off. That saying has meant so many different things to her- letting go- it´s not as simple as people like to make it out to be. And something has always told her that it´s not supposed to be easy or understandable.

A moment of silence falls over them and it´s the best and worst thing in the world. Laura´s sure than she can hear her heart beating and that Carmilla can too. So much has changed over the years. At least the raven haired girl used to wear tension on her face like a mask. She doesn't do that now and Laura hasn't seen any traces of it the whole weekend. It´s true- people change, pain changes people.

Laura takes in a slow breath and watches Carmilla change before her eyes.

This times it's she that looks confident. Carmilla licks her lips and then takes one step closer to Laura, wearing a straight and serious face.

"I don't believe that having a soulmate means that you are bound to be together, as a couple", she says and Laura frowns, but she continues. "I think that it means that you have bond, something that can't be explained".

"So you do consider me to be your soulmate?", Laura asks and tries to make a joke out of it. But Carmilla doesn't laugh, she's still serious.

"Of course".

This short and direct answer makes Laura straighten up and she looks at Carmilla with a wondering look in her eyes.

"Nobody makes me feel what you do", Carmilla says and Laura feels like she should stop her from continuing but then Carmilla smiles for a short second. It's a different smile, one that Laura isn't sure she ever seen Carmilla wear. "But I do love Elsie". With those words can Laura feel herself relax again and she's sure she's smiling too. “I'm building a future with her and will love her until the day I die. But you, you are something else Laura".

Laura wets her lips and takes the chance. "What exactly?".

Carmilla breathes out and there´s so much about her that is old and over all of that she´s a whole new person. She´s still smiling when she answers with a soft and caring voice.

"You're the girl that will always hold my heart. The one that I will always care for and love, through thick and thin”.

Laura laughs. And Carmilla looks taken by surprise by that reaction and maybe a bit hurt too.

“It sounds so different when you actually say it”, Laura says and her laugh dies. “I imagined you saying that after we broke up. Many times”.

“Laura I-”.

“Don't tell me you didn't do the same”, she interrupts and it takes a few seconds before Carmilla shuts her mouth and then just looks at Laura.

Then she nods. “I did”, she exhales. “Too many times”.

Laura can feel the pit in her stomach ache and she thinks that it's because of nerves. And the fact that this isn't helping with her stress levels. Or making it worse either. It just feels very heavy on her to confess those things and to listen to Carmilla as she offers her her own confessions. Laura sighs and pulls up her hand to run it through her hair, she stops herself just in time and lets her hand fall back to her side again. She has spent hours on perfecting her hair and makeup, she is not going to mess it up minutes before the wedding starts.

She feels exhausted. Drained. Carmilla must do too, at least she looks tired and worn out even though it´s hidden behind an imagine of her own perfection, and that makes Laura feel a bit better. At least she's not alone in feeling the way she does.

“Is this ever going to feel normal, just us talking? How much more time do we have to get through, isn't seven years enough?”, she asks and Carmilla grins.

“I don't know. Maybe we can never be normal. I mean, were we ever just normal? Were we friends to begin with?”.

Laura knows how right she is; they were never just friends. “I guess not”.

“Laura, I have to ask, or else I´m just gonna keep wondering and I can't do that after today”. When Laura looks up to meet Carmilla´s eyes she looks small. Almost at unease. “What am I to you?”.

That question hits Laura in the chest and knocks the air out of her. She shakes her head while laughing, then she backs up against the wall. Carmilla´s watching her every move. She still looks a bit like she did when they were seventeen- she still has that mysteriousness in her eyes.

Laura breathes out. "You are my first love. What more can I say".

“And Betty?”.

“She´s my future”, Laura says with a smile.

“Good, that´s really good”, Carmilla replies with a smile of her own. “I like her”.

“She likes you too”, Laura is quick to respond.

Carmilla frowns with a smirk. “I barely talked to her last night, and we both know people don't like me at first sight”.

“You didn't have to talk, I did the talking for you”.

The smirk on Carmilla´s lips is wiped away in a second and she looks at Laura with panic in her eyes and maybe even a bit ashamed.

“You know?”, she asks quietly and Laura nods. “How long?”.

Laura shakes her head as if saying that it doesn't matter, but she knows that Carmilla won't take that as an answer. She has never done that.

“Danny told me a couple of years ago, when Betty and I had been dating for three months or so. I guess she felt like it was safe to tell me then because I was clearly in love with Betty”.

Carmilla nods, but still looking a bit ashamed and maybe a bit angry too, but the anger isn't meant for Laura. She knows that. “And you don't hate me for it?”.

"No, I understand why you did what you did", Laura says with a gentle smile. “She only told me because she wanted me to be sure”.

“Sure of what?”.

“That I was over you”, Laura says and as she does Carmilla´s face shifts once again. Now she looks curious and mysterious again.

“Well, are you?”, she asks when Laura doesn't continue.

Laura licks her lips and prepares to answer, she owes Carmilla an answer after everything she did for them. After everything she just said too.

But then Carmilla puts up her hand in front of her and shakes her head.

“On second thoughts, I think I need seven more years until I'm ready for the answer to that question", she says and manages to get Laura to laugh. She can hear that it is a joke, but there´s way more seriousness in it than either of them will ever admit. Mostly out of respect for each other. And maybe that's for the best.

Maybe that can be okay.

“Yeah, me too”, she exhales and their laughing turns into half smiles. “I know I´m doing the right thing by marrying Betty, and it has never been a choice about right or wrong when it comes to her, but I also know that even if, just if, we, you and I, were ever getting back together we would be the end of each other”.

She´s rambling, which she only does when she's nervous

“I think we´ll be anyway”, Carmilla replies and Laura looks grateful that she said anything at all. Carmilla looks thoughtful and then she nods, as if to herself. “But you're right. This is right. You are making the right choice”.

"You think?"

"I didn't spend all those years missing you just to tell you to marry someone else if I didn't think that that was the right thing", Carmilla says and Laura feels a tug at her stomach.

It´s a gentle one. The kind that she thinks is okay to feel because of someone she used to love. Still does in some confused and complicated way.

There is some vulnerability to Carmilla's eyes and Laura wonders if she got that with the years or if she was too blinded by love to see it when they were younger. It is highly likely that that's the case, because she was blind when they were together. But in another way she feels like it's a maturity thing that has grown within Carmilla, as it has in Laura.

"For what it's worth, I'm glad you came", she says and Carmilla actually blushes.

"It's worth everything, cupcake", she whispers and Laura knows for sure now that they are doing this together. They are ending this with one another instead of to each other.

"See you out there", Carmilla says and walks towards the door.

Laura gets the feeling that she isn't running this time, this isn't her leaving Laura, this is her giving Laura the space she needs. This might even be the only way for them to find some common ground, a way for them to function although they dysfunction around each other. She's grateful that Carmilla does this, without complicating things with words.

But words, it is the one thing Laura has too much of.

"I'll be the one in white", Laura says with a smile.

Carmilla turns before she lays a hand on the doorknob. "And I the one in tears", she answers and Laura can't help but smile even bigger. “Happy tears, I promise”.

“You're a piece of work aren't you”.

Carmilla shrugs her shoulders and opens the door, she turns before she closes it. “Always been, always will”, she says and Laura feels happy.

For them both.

Laura takes a moment to collect herself. She takes one final look in the mirror and adjusts the dress before she opens the door. Her dad waits outside, pulling nervously at his sleeves. He looks up from where he's sitting and Laura can hear him breathe out. When he stands she rushes over to him because she knows that look and if he starts to cry then she will too. And that cannot happen. She has fought that feeling like a devil and she's not about to give in on the finish line.

“Don't cry dad”, she says and takes both of his hands.

“You´re so beautiful Laura”, he whispers and tries to hold back those tears.

“Thank you”. She smiles at him. He looks really handsome. She pulls at his tie and he smiles a little. Then he looks down at his daughter with a serious face.

“Are you ready for this?”, he asks and Laura meets his gaze.

It's the one question she is absolutely sure of. She leans up on her toes and places a soft kiss on his cheek, when she´s back on her heels he looks more proud than anything else. She breathes out and shakes off her nerves.

“Never been more ready for anything”.

He seems to approve of that answer and offers his arm, she takes it and he leads her towards the doors.

Laura doesn't look forward, even though that's really where she should be looking, but she can't bring herself to do it. So when they stand in the doorway, she clenches to her father's arm and lets him take the lead. She knows the procedure- they walk up the aisle, she's handed over by her crying father, they read their vows and then, then she's married.

She's about to get married.

A smile finds its way to her lips as she hears the music and they walk, or more like waltz up the aisle- she had commented on the rehearsal earlier this morning that she always thought of waltzing when they walked to that music. And even though she was crap at keeping a rhythm, waltzing she could do. Thanks to a drunk afternoon in her teenage years spent with Carmilla dancing in her room to too fast music.

She can see Carmilla and Will in the corner of her eye as they reach the halfway benches so she turns to face them. They lock eyes immediately. Carmilla smiles, truly happy and Laura can see the shimmer of tears in her eyes. Laura wishes that she could tell her not to cry, but even if she could say anything at all her mouth is too dry to form any kind of word. Carmilla does look happy, happy for her and even happy for herself. It's a weird feeling, but definitely something she can get used to.

Maybe there's a happy ending to their story after all, she thinks and sees Carmilla's lips twitch as if she can read her mind.

She feels her father squeeze her arm a bit and she turns forward, only to see her. Betty. Laura isn't sure of much in this moment. A part from one very clear thing- if angels walked the earth, Betty was one of them.

She is one of them, Laura thinks to herself as she forces her lungs to take in air. Apparently pretty women make her lose her breath. She has already felt those effects enough for today. She still has to focus on breathing in at a normal rate as her father leads her up to the altar and traditionally hands her over to Betty.

Gosh, Betty.

She looks so beautiful, like taken out of a wedding magazine or Vogue or something. Laura can feel her heart pounding as she looks at her. Her love. Her life. The representative of all the things she wants and will have. The one she wants more than life itself.

Laura isn't sure she hears anything the priest says, like really she is too far down Betty´s eyes to hear anything at all, until he turns towards her and she can hear his voice clearly.

“Laura. Do you take Betty to be your lawfully wedded wife, do you promise to stay faithful and care for her, to love and cherish her for as long as you both shall live?”.

Laura looks at Betty and she can feel it- this is the beginning of something wonderful. Something truly amazing. So she smiles and her lungs take in air by themselves.

 _This_ is the beginning.

“I do”.

//

"I read your story", Carmilla says with a smirk.

 _"Carm, I specifically told you not to read it!",_ Laura answers with a high pitched voice. It only makes Carmilla smile even bigger.

"Well I did", she says. "What do you expect? My name is the title for Christ sake, I just had to read it".

Laura blushes and then smiles in that cute way that Carmilla loves. _"Well then, what did you think?"._

Carmilla waits for Laura to look up before she answers. "It's beautiful, cupcake". Laura's cheeks turn red again and Carmilla can feel the warmth in her chest. "Not as much as you but-".

 _"Nothing will ever be that beautiful",_ Laura fills in and Carmilla knows for sure now that her heart beats faster.

"Exactly".

_"Are you happy now when I can say that myself?"._

Carmilla laughs and runs a hand through her hair. "Yes. It only took half a century or so".

_"Don't exaggerate"._

"Might as well have been, Laura", Carmilla says seriously and Laura wrinkles her nose before she shakes her head and gives up the argument.

Both to Carmilla's joy and disappointment. _"Fine"._

She watches Laura lean back in her seat. She's so beautiful. Especially wearing Carmilla's oversize sweatshirt. Carmilla can't help but smile as she thinks back on the time they've spent together. "A year", she exhales.

Laura nods. _"That is something"._ She sounds as impressed by it as Carmilla feels. A year is a long time and no time at all spent together with that girl.

"It really is".

 _"We should celebrate",_ Laura says with a smile and Carmilla grins.

"Would your freak of a bodyguard care if I steal you away for the weekend?", she says and watches Laura's face twist and she knows that she´s holding back a laugh.

_"Danny´s still mad about what you did to her at Christmas"._

"She loved it! That girl hasn't had as much fun as she had on the back of that thing, of course she would never admit it though.”

 _"That_ thing _went 100 miles per hour!"._

"Yeah yeah. Would she mind?".

Laura leans forward with a suspicious look on her face, then she bites her lip and Carmilla immediately feels a tug at her stomach. _"That depends. What are you thinking that we should do?"._

"Well, I know this place. It's on the countryside. I think there's a small cottage built in all wood there, but it's really really small. Anyway, it has an incredible view looking over a lake and it's all nice and quiet. Very private. I could bring some picnic stuff and even make some sandwiches".

 _"Carmilla",_ she says the name with so much love Carmilla can't restrain the smile that is filled with exactly the same love. Laura shakes her head at Carmilla and giggles.

"You in?".

Laura gives Carmilla that look, that look that says that she never really has to ask that question and then she shakes her head as if she thinks Carmilla is silly. She might even be, but she'll be anything for that cute little brunette. _"Pick me up at eleven"._

“You should probably bring a sleeping bag, or we could just share mine", Carmilla responds and Laura looks genuinely embarrassed and excited at the same time. Carmilla smirks and leans in. "See you then!”.

 _“Hey, I love you”,_ Laura says and Carmilla looks straight into those brown eyes that glow in the most precious way. She never wants that glow to go away.

“I love you too, cupcake”, she says and they both smile in that way, like they both know something that no one else does. Maybe they actually do.

Carmilla watches the screen go black.

She´s still smiling, she started doing that halfway in and couldn't stop even if she wanted to. It´s that kind of smile that´s filled with too much emotion, too many memories and too much emptiness. She can still remember that story. The story of two girls that fell in love and stayed in love. A little laugh leaves her lips and she shakes her head at the memory. Carmilla doesn't know where _she´s_ right now. She could still be in Guatemala or Bolivia. LaFontaine talked to _her_ at the end of last month and at that time they hadn´t moved yet. It has been five years already. Five years of passive communication through their common friends. It's silly really that they keep doing that, but it seems to be the thing that works for them. That way they can still keep track on each other without having to complicate each other´s lives.

Carmilla looks back at the black screen. The video is from when they dated in high school. From when Laura was way too into video documenting everything, every single Skype call is saved from that period and Laura was kind enough to send it to Carmilla when she went through her old hard drive.

Such a long time ago, Carmilla thinks to herself. It's one of those thoughts that keeps sweeping through her mind on a daily basis.

At first it hurt looking at them, seeing _them_ on the screen, so goofy and in love. You could literally follow their story as they fell in love. The story of how Carmilla fell head first and Laura who never even tried to put on a defence, so they caught each other on the way down.

Watching that hurt.

But then Carmilla started to smile, a lot, as she saw the small signs that she hadn't seen when she was too caught up by looking at Laura's face as a teenager. All the small signs that always were there, that they both overlooked or just didn't take notice of. She looked so mesmerized by the brunette.

She started to feel joy and happiness as she watched them, two young girls as they tiptoed around the fact that they liked each other more than friends, more than what they pretended to be because honestly by the look of them they were never just friends.

Carmilla started to laugh at their stupidity, cute jokes, attempts to embarrasses the other. She has caught herself crying too at times, mostly because the girls on the screen in front of her told one of those painful memories they had from their childhood, of the deaths of people the loved and missed, but really it wasn't the talking that made her cry. It was more the look on her own face as Laura told her about her mother, or Laura's when she had told her about her father. It was the look of complete and undying love. Those times she had often left the computer and gone out for a walk, just to shake of that feeling before she returned to the screen.

She always returned.

This however, isn't one of those clips. This is one of the ones she has on repeat, that she can watch over and over again. While clearly ignoring the voice in her head that tells her that this behaviour is a bit psychotic. She doesn't care about that. She likes watching that loving and sweet pair as they tease each other and clearly love one another. More so because of the fact that this is one of their talks that she actually remembers. She does that because of the picture they took of that day they went out to the lake. That picture that has found its own place in the bookshelf in her study. It just stuck to her mind.

She's happy it did.

She pushes play again and leans back in her chair.

_"Carmilla"._

"You in?".

_"Pick me up at eleven"._

“See you then!”.

_“Hey, I love you”._

“I love you too, cupcake”.

The screen goes black. Carmilla is smiling. If someone had told her eighteen-year-old self that she would be sitting like this, twelve years later, she would have called them crazy. It´s funny to her, how things work out. How the future can change overnight and turns into something you could never have anticipated.  

“Carmilla!”.

“Yes?”, she answers and listens to the sound of children laughing and pans being slammed together. Carmilla smiles at the sound and spins around in her chair, she gets up before an answer is yelled back at her from the kitchen. She walks in to find Elsie and Karin cramped at the stove and counter beside it with the children messing about behind their backs. She scoffs at the sight and attracts Karin´s shining eyes.

“Can you come help?”, she asks with a tired smile.

Carmilla nods and takes another step into the kitchen which makes the toddlers run her way and slam into her legs. She reaches down to ruffle their hair and they giggle and hide their faces against her thighs.

“Hey you, what about we go into the study and I tell you a story so the mommies can work in peace?”, she says and turn up their faces with a finger under each of their chins. They smile big and let go of her to disappear out of her view in a second. She can't help but laugh herself before she jerks her head up.

“Thank you”, Karin says and Elsie shots her a grateful look. She too looks tired, but happy. Oh, so happy.

Luna jumps up on her back without a word and Carmilla makes an over exaggerated sound about it followed by Luna giggling at her ear while wrapping her legs around Carmilla's waist. Carmilla looks at her with a wide smile on her lips and steers towards the study with the toddlers running around her legs.

She isn't a kid kind of person, but seeing those pitch dark eyes and blonde hair is her weakness.

She still remembers the feeling she got from holding Charlie for the first time, he looked exactly like Luna did as a baby and as he grew older by the days he differed from her but stayed just as adorable. Alexander is the youngest one, but only two months younger than Charlie. Holding him for the first time was a whole other experience, the out of body kind of experience. It was something incredible and impossible to put in words, literally- she didn't speak for three hours after his birth. She just watched him and Elsie, as she slowly realized that they were finally a family.

Looking back at that moment she knows that that was the best day of her life, without a doubt.  

“So which story do you want to hear?”, she asks and lets Luna slide of her back. Luna immediately takes her seat below the chair in the corner while Carmilla moves over to put the boys in it. It´s better to let them stick to each other, that way they'll at least sit still and listen to her on and off.

"I want to hear about your soulmate", Luna says with the same kind of smile she wears most days. It´s addictive and revealing- if she isn't wearing that smile, that´s when something is seriously wrong.

"Okay", Carmilla says and ruffle Alexander´s hair before she turns around to bring her office chair closer to the kids. She sits down with a sigh and fins three pair of eyes watching her. It makes her stomach flutter and she clears her throat. "Once upon a time, somewhere far away from here, 3000 miles or so, in a city much like this one, there lived a girl and her name was Laura".

Carmilla smiles as she remembers the email that Laura sent with all the videos. How she explained how she had felt during the first couple of years after their breakup, which is something they agreed on sharing in time and did some time after Carmilla´s own wedding. She thinks that _she_ was right- their story would be a good story to tell one day.

It has become one of her favourite stories to tell.

_In the beginning, all it takes is the sound of raindrops splattering over a window for the memories to throw them right back to that night when it all ended. In the beginning they both suffer in the same way. In the beginning they remember the hard times, the pain and the suffering from the day before. Days turn into months, months turn into years and they forget about the pain. In the end they remember the days they spent in bed, the steps to a slow waltz, soft kisses and the feeling of waking up in each other’s arms. In the end they both remember, the same things, just not in the same place._

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So that was that. Hope you have like it, it has been a hell of a ride and I´m mentally wrecked (but it was worth it). Thank you to everyone who commented and left kudos. Much love /E

**Author's Note:**

> Find me on inspiration-feeds-creatiivity.tumblr.com. track #heartbreak!au for updates


End file.
